I knew this year would be different from the off, i just didn't realise quite how challenging it would be.
Every aspect of my life seems to be shifting.
My mind is so unsure of everything, i can only be sure of myself.
As a person, i've grown tremendously.
I've rediscovered who i was before i forgot myself entirely and merged it with the stronger person i am today.
And yes i have high standards for myself and many dreams yet to accomplish, but if i didn't, who knows what my wild side would do.
I'm happy being who i am, remarkably happy infact. Despite all my annoying habits and crappy personality traits.
I just wish everything else would stop shooting lightening bolts in my path and making me thunder inside.
I just wish my future was as stable as i am right now.
I don't want to be waiting to hear if my stress filled week was all worth it or a waste of time, to know if i have a career laid out for me, something to finally work hard at and be proud of or if i have to start again and figure out what i'm going to do yet again.
I don't want to be falling for one of my bestfriends who is clearly too happy to behave like a dickhead when the mood suits, who i would really like to believe is better than that but is doing everything to the contrary, who i know is not the perfect person for me...someone i don't even think i'd be that happy with but someone i love none the less.
I don't want to have to write a letter to my father telling him i want nothing more to do with him, telling him i've changed my name because i'm too ashamed to bear his, with him remaining oblivious to the hurt he's caused no matter my wording. I don't want to be harsh, because i'll pay for it later, but what other way is there?
I wish i hadn't had unprotected sex with one of my bestfriends because it was a really foolish thing to do and i know better, and even though i took the pill my paranoia that i'm pregnant is still there. It's one of my biggest fears. It's opening up too many memories that are better left alone.
I wish i hadn't spent the mortgage money in mine and my ex's account in an act of rebellion, i hated being left to do it all alone but the way i reacted was just as childish and irresponsible as him. I'm glad he's finally taking the house on his own so it's no longer my responsibility, i'm just scared of his reaction when he see's how much he's got to pay out first.
I wish i could start my diet properly and stop stressing myself out to the point where i comfort eat every day and feel too lethargic to exercise.
I wish my mother wasn't trying to uproot us yet again and putting pressure on me to sort things out around the house. Mostly i wish i had cleared all my debt already so i could rent my own place.
I don't want to have to email my tutor explaining that i've got way too far behind on my course and will have to give it up this year and hopefully pick it up again next year. It's a failure on my part and i'm furious with myself. I know i can do the work, i know i'm smart....so why the hell do i always do this?!
What i really want and really wish for....is some peace and quiet. A day filled with mindful silence and peaceful surroundings.
But the likelihood of that happening is pretty much zero right now. I just have to work towards that point. And hope.

<<ghosts []the mist>>