I should be able to speak to people really, but it's never been easy for me, in fact sometimes it's downright impossible.

My main mode of communication is to bottle it all up and act sweet, and that didn't ever really do anybody any good.

I've got this whole week off and i've decided to get everything on my todo list done and do some major relaxing in the process - i don't have the money to do anything away from home really cause i'm a right pauper this month but i guess that in a way that's ideal.

I've been more sensible with money and my diet the past couple of weeks than i have been in years, and it doesn't feel all bad, in fact it's sort of becoming routine.

I guess in some ways i'm proud of myself, annoyed that i have to be both frugile and healthy because i've been the exact opposite for so long, but proud that i've finally managed to start sorting myself out.

Me and my brother think we've come up with a little scheme to make us some regular money, i'm going to work on it with him later and hopefully that will pan out well, it could be just what i need to clear the last of my debt and get myself on the right track at last.

A fresh start.

My ex didn't take the whole me spending the mortgage money thing as bad as i thought he would, but i guess in the scheme of things we come out fairly even.

He's taking over the house with his new girlfriend this month, which means it's all gone at long last. Sometimes i think about whether i should be jealous of the fact she's getting my house, but all i feel is an immense relief. I'm almost grateful to her.

The chapter is closed and i'm free at last. No longer entangled with him in any way, shape or form.

For that i am so glad.

I booked some train tickets for my littlest brothers mum the other day because her laptop wasn't working, and although this probably sounds absurd, i was just so happy she trusted me enough to give me her card details and book her journey for her. And that she felt she could come to me for something as normal as a favour. It was nice to be thought of.

She's such a lovely person and i'm so happy she's my brothers mother.

And i'm so so glad that i'm in their life, and that they trust me. I won't ever do anything to break that trust.

My family means the world to me, even if i don't show it.

I'm still fairly annoyed with my three bestfriends right now, i feel like i'm the only one who makes an effort to do things, even something as simple as talking on the phone is usually initiated by me, and maybe i'm taking it all out of proportion right now, but it hurts that they don't seem to value me as highly as i value them.

Maybe i'm just having crazy reactions right now for some unknown insecurity reasons, cause i know deep down they care, but i wish they would make abit more effort sometimes.

I don't think of myself as being the best friend in the world, but i'm nothing if not thoughtful, and i'm ALWAYS available.

This year is definately panning out to be different than i expected.

Last year i was single and paranoid about kissing someone again, linked to my ex for the unforeseeable future, worried about having had no period for what felt like forever, had no hope of ever dieting or getting rid of my debt, in a job i hated with no hope of getting away, unsure about my friends and family and wondering if i'd ever be able to drive properly and gain my independance back.

Now i'm single but happy about it and definately not worried about doing anything with anyone, seperated from my ex in every way possible and able to finally move on from it all, back to surfing the crimson wave again so finally getting my body and hormones under control, have finally started to eat healthily and be careful with my money making myself proud, still in a job i dislike but with every hope of becoming something much better, sure of who my friends are even if they drive me mental and closer with all my family than i have been in a long time, and now i'm very close to passing my driving test, even if it isn't the first time around it will be sometime soon and then i'll be getting my first car and renting my own apartment before the year is out. Of all this i am sure.

It's my brothers birthday on sunday. 16. Totally crazy.

I've bought him some adrenaline choice vouchers to do whatever crazy shit he'd like, this cool woven leather and silver bracelet and i'm also hoping to get him a picture painted this week in my spare time....i've just been struggling to decide what to paint, the only thing i've had in my head is a shadow of a man standing on an escalator that's going up...and i don't really know what it's supposed to mean but i guess that it will have to do for now.

It's the thought that counts right?