I woke up to the sound of my mum swearing like a trooper. Only thing is - the swearing was directed at my brother.

Not such a nice wake up call - even less of a nice one for him though i suspect.

Some days, well really it's most days, i can't understand the woman.

She doesn't even try to behave like a proper mum.

When we need advice - she's so closed off you may aswell talk to a brick wall.

When we want to learn something - she doesn't have the patience, you've got to learn it on your own.

When you feel sick - she'll throw you some pills and leave you to it.

When you want a favour from her, even just a lift - she makes you pay her back in kind and it's so hard to get her to agree you may aswell be pulling her teeth out.

Her idea of mother daughter/son time is to go into town and hurry through a few shops or pop to the cinema and half the time leave us to watch something different.

And god forbid should you want to borrow something or hers - only your stuff is completely up for grabs, whether you like it or not.

It's so frustrating, and a little bit unfair.

It might not be half so bad if we had decent fathers, but they're both complete asshats.

She's all we've got and she's not nearly enough.

Though me and my brother have a little running joke, at least all the different parents we know, including our own, have taught us one thing - what NOT to do.

I hope i'm a much better parent than any of them. I really hope i am.

I read once somewhere that you need to have three people you can totally rely on in life to be self actualised.

I have one, possibly two.

There are alot of people i can sort of rely on, but none of them to the extent that i suppose i need.

I can't help feeling like if i'd had better parents, maybe i'd be alot happier.

Maybe i'd feel alot more whole.

It probably doesn't help that i'm unwilling to put that reliance on a partner. I don't want to bring something like that to a relationship.

And i find it really hard to get that from friends, they always turn out to be someone i didn't think they were.

Maybe i'll never be self actualised.

Or maybe i'll find some people i can trust with my life in the near future.

I sincerely hope so.

I guess, as much as Uni life is going to be hard, considering i feel as thick as a plank and go over totally shy when i meet new people, it'll be such a relief to be away from home again.

I've only been back for a couple of years, but it was a couple of years too many, and the years i did spend with my own place gave me a taste for freedom, even if they weren't always the happiest ones.

I'm not really going to have a home. I'll be visiting family some weekends and holidays, but that's all it will be, visiting. My home for those nine months will be the university.

And the summer i intend to find some work abroad and travel abit.

I'll store my stuff at Lornas or Anikas i suppose. Easiest thing considering they both live in London.

All the rest of my stuff can get boxed up and go in Mums garage. Until i'm settled i guess.

Kind of hard for me because i am a teensy bit materialistic.

Not in an awful way - i just love collecting things, from all different corners of the world.

They bring back memories and it's always been a way for me to express myself.

Plus i love to shop. Accessorize should give me shares.

But i'll be taking as much as possible with me to Uni so i don't think i'll miss too much.

God, i'm talking like i already have a place. I haven't even done my Access course yet.

That's forward planning for you.

I booked my flights yesterday before they could go up even more. In to Marrakech and out of Agadir.

I also booked some hostels - you only have to pay a little deposit for them so i'd rather have the security of knowing where i'm going to stay, considering i shall be travelling alone for the first time.

Three nights in Marrakech, then i'm going to take the train to Casablanca and stay there for two nights. They're both booked.

I'm thinking of going on to Meknes for one night, Fez for two nights and then Rabat for another night but i haven't booked any of those yet, just left them blank. They're all connected by train though so that's the travelling sorted.

After that i've booked myself two nights in Essaouira which i get to by bus from Marrakech and the last night in Agadir before flying home.

Once i've found those last hostels and planned my journey times i'll be pretty much ready to go. Got to buy my back pack, locks and camera first though.

I plan on getting as many beautiful pictures as possible.

I booked my Linkin Park concert tickets yesterday too.

Lynn was faffing around saying she didn't know if she'd got the day off yet but i'm not waiting for her to sort herself out while the tickets keep selling out.

I bought them and she'd better sort herself out to give me the money. Especially as that now makes me sort of poor.

Eek. But at least i know i'm going.

Got to sort out where to store my rucksack though, and i better pack something awesome to wear too.

Sorted.

Back to work today which totally sucks.

At least i'm working with Lynn though. Sometimes i don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I've order my own sat nav too, should help me get around until i no longer need it and then i'll sell it along with my radio and other car stuff.

I even ordered myself an 'I'm with the Band' tshirt. I couldn't resist. Perfect concert dress. Ha.

Well my glittery nail varnish is just about done. Might aswell go take it all off before i start looking like a hobo.

I think i live inside my own head too much.

Too bad i like it there.

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