Guess i didn't really have to panic. But i'm sure reminding myself of that in two weeks will do no good.

Maybe me being full of anxiety helps me get signed off. Who knows.

I always feel like crap when i leave the doctors now. I thought it was supposed to be the opposite of that?

My boss tried to ring me earlier. Fat chance of me picking up the phone.

I explained the whole ringing me and leaving messages and talk of following me to the doc and he suggested writing a letter to my workplace asking them to speak to the surgery if they want progress but to leave me alone as it's counter productive.

I like my doc. He's real sweet.

I handed in my notice to my landlord today and had a quick wizz through available rooms in Hatfield and a few seemed good. I won't start looking at them for another two weeks cause chances ae they'll be taken before my month is up.

Haven't got a lot accomplished today.

Started watching Life Unexpected and i really quite like it.

Took my key for the gym back to claim my �10 deposit and i really haven't the foggiest idea what i've done with the money.

I remember walking back to my car with it in my hand, but i was talking to my Aunt so i was easily distracted.

I'm hoping it's in my car but i have an awful feeling i've just dropped it on the floor.

Placed the Avon order for the first time. Remembered to order extra bruchures and samples and a ton of stuff i'm hoping to sell.

I'll have to force myself to sit down and list it on ebay as soon as i get it cause my stalling is becoming ridiculous and i really haven't got the time to be messing around.

Nor do i have the money.

I'm trying this mystery shopping lark out tomorrow with Grams.

Turns out there's a pub in Bedford Town that needs checking out so i'm going there with her in the evening and we'l get our meal reimbursed plus i get an extra �5.

Not much, but it's a free meal and a free �5 note for making a few observations and recording them.

I've just made myself a huge vat of pasta and i'm setting myself up for a comfy evening.

Tomorrow i've gotta get up at 0615...which absolutely sucks. But i'm meeting Sinead in Hatfield and getting the free bus with her from there.

Hope i all goes to plan.

Talking to Jamie on messenger at the mo.

So that reminds me...as i was saying about friends.

Making friends with people like Sinead, Jamie and Tivi has made me look at the friendships i've been forming over the past few years.

With them it's been easy. Relaxed. Just comfortable.

Tivi asked me if i wanted to take a months holiday in Asia when we finish college. Travel around Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand.

Hell yeah.

Then i'll carry on to New Zealand cause aslong as i end up there i'll be happy to slog it at Uni for the whole year.

Sinead and me went to the oxfam book shop in search of second hand books and then went to this really nice Greek resteraunt for lunch the other day.

I found out that her Dad's a criminal too. And she likes rock. And she wears converse. And she's actually really nice.

Jamie and me are as cool as ever. Sinead thought we'd known each other for years.

Guess it's just like that with some people sometimes.

Nicky's really lovely too. I mean...all of them are really.

No matter who i'm sitting with i know i'll have an enjoyable lesson.

I've got so used to being on my own that sometimes it's strange...when people call me 'Honey' and hug me and just little touches that mean so much but so little at the same time.

I wonder if maybe that's one of the reasons i feel happier now.

Not just that my life has direction and my brain's more active.

But because i'd isolated myself from so many people that i was too lonely to realise my loneliness.

And now i have friends. I'm always busy.

I've got a great future to look forward to and plenty of people to share it with.

All the people that i thought were my friends.

Like Lisa, John, Smithy and Nathan.

They were never real friends to me. They just tried because i was all there was for them.

And they for me.

But i don't have to have that anymore.

I can have as many friends as i want and with time i'll learn to balance everything.

I just need to make sure i don't get too intense.

I get possessive way too easily. Or at least i have in the past.

But maybe that's because my mind thought i would lose everything too easily.

I guess i have lost things that i shouldn't have had to.

But that's the past.

It doesn't mean i have to lose things in the future.

Talking of gaining things.

Everything with Lorna feels so much easier. I've been talking to her every few days like i have with Nika and my relationships with both of them have grown so strong.

And so precious.

As lame as that might make me sound.

I owe a lot to the both of them. They're always so willing to help and i don't know anyone nicer.

I seem to surround myself with all these super nice people.

Possibly why i doubt my niceness.

Howie still maintains that i'm the nicest person he knows.

He said it again when we went for a walk last week.

He came round last week too and stayed until the early hours of the morning.

We ate pringles, drank cider and watched harry potter...until he started pushing me off the bed or throwing stuff at me everytime i closed my eyes.

So tired. He's so mean.

But i love him anyway.

So...biggest news!

I met up with Becky. As in my older cousin Becky that i practically grew up with but our mothers fell out and i haven't see her since i was about 12.

It was so weird.

I found out that she lived right behind De Hav campus, which is where we go on sundays to study at the Uni of Herts.

So this sunday just gone i met up with her at the back of campus and we caught up with each other for like eight hours.

Then i had to drive home half asleep in proper darkness.

Remind me not to do that again...i was seeing things.

Like dead girls running across the motorway.

But anyway, she's as lovely as i remembered.

Crazy too.

With her bright blue hair and crazy art work.

But it sort of hit me just how much we have in common.

Like the sme sort of music. Love to express our individuality through tattoos, piercings, hair dye and clothing. Have stupid fathers and scary mothers. Wacked out extended family.

Both starting our Uni life late (she's in her 2nd year of her fashion degree and she's 8 months older than me).

She's shorter than i remembered. But still one of the nicest people i know.

(see what i mean about being surrounded by nice people)

She cooked us lasagne. I met her house mates. We talked and talked. She dyed a streak of teal blue in my hair which i absolutely LOVE.

But most of all. I have my cousin back.

I have my cousin and my auntie and Lorna. All such beautiful people that love me and i love them.

Me and Mum are getting on better without me in the house. I'll always have Lew. Grams and me will probably always be cool even if she drives me bonkers.

And i have all the rest of my family. My litle brother and cousins and other auntie.

Plus Lynn, Howie and all the new friends i'm making.

Life is good when you have people to count on.

I don't mind if i have to spend the next four years scraping by. Eating cheap food but getting myself a stellar education. Not able to spend like crazy but travelling the world cheaply. No car but amazing company.

This is the beginning to the beginning.

This is where i get to turn everything around. It's a slow process but it's happening.

I have so much. Literally. I'm so lucky in some ways.

Fuck whatever the past has done to me.

I know i have issues. Hell...Maybe i'll always have issues.

But i love and i am loved.

What more could i ask for?

This is me.

Making my life work for me.

Through blood, sweat and tears.

I'm smiling.