But i am curious about something.

Why is it, that you rarely see somebody gorgeous with somebody average?

And if we ever do have occasion to see this miracle we remark upon it with awe.

Because beautiful people don't date ugly people.

Beautiful people can't look beyond the surface.

Ugly people can't either.

We size everybody up and decide whether their in our league or not.

It's only then that we proceed. Fight or flight.

I know i do it. And it makes me feel sick.

I look at men as varying degrees of either too good for me or not good enough.

There's never anyone quite the same, and it sets the relationship off on a bad footing no matter what.

I'm either scared they're going to wake up one day and wonder what the fuck they're doing.

Or else i'm going to be the one waking up with a horrified expression.

I can't understand why nobody sees beyond the surface. Why can't i see beyond the surface??

Surely somebody beautiful on the outside but ugly inside is equal to somebody ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside...but that's not right either.

What makes us equal anyway?

Because it's rubbish to say that beautiful people, inside and out, will find each other and be happy.

Looks matter.

We can pretend they don't as much as we want. But they do.

And it's because sex matters.

Sex is a huge facit of a relationship.

I know i can't have sex with someone i don't find extremely attractive.

Them being a beautiful person inside and only mildly attractive on the outside just doesn't do it for me.

Does that make me a horrible person?

That i want someone beautiful inside and out...because who's to say i'm beautiful inside and out...and if i'm not beautiful then i don't deserve somebody beautiful either.

Cause that just seems to be the way of things.

But what is beautiful?

We all consider different things to be beautiful.

So what if your standard of beautiful isn't the same as theirs? But everyone can see your equal because their standard of beautiful is different to both of yours?

How does anyone know anything?

I find lip piercings, sexy sarcastic smirks, soulful eyes and tall men beautiful.

But what if a tall, soulful eyed, peirced lip, sexy sarcastic smirking man doesn't find my curls and pale skin and doe eyed look beautiful?

What then?

Do you roam the earth searching for something that technically doesn't exist?

Are you just meant to be on your own? Or are you meant to settle?

Cause i can't settle. It doesn't work. It just breeds unhappiness and sorrow.

I just...i fail to understand how it all works and why it all works.

But does it really work?

I can look at a man, recognise he's gorgeous, and move on from it.

I won't approach him because i don't consider myself to be equal.

I don't know whether he's beautiful inside or not because he's too beautiful outside to take the risk that he doesn't see me the same way.

Does anyone do that to me? Do people think i'm too beautiful for them and walk the other way too?

And some people, i know theyre beautiful inside, but it's not enough.

Am i not enough?

What if i'm not enough in both regards?

What if i'm dark and ugly inside and noones ever going to be able to love all of me?

What if i'm ugly outside and noone will give me the chance to see if i'm beautiful inside?

What if i made someone else feel that way?

What if? What if? What if?

What if i pretend i don't have conversations like this inside my head all the time and carry on giving you the drivel of my daily life cause it's so much easier than explaining how i feel about things?

What does that make me?

I don't like myself today. I think i think i'm something special and maybe, just maybe, i'm nothing at all.