I figured i don't specificly need to relay every part of my day in order to work out how i'm feeling.

I just need to think about how it all makes me feel and write from there.

So it's half term and i'm sitting up in my room with a pile of stuff that needs doing and it's just making me feel lost.

The uncertainty of everything is making me anxious.

No matter what i say to myself, it all boils down to the fact that i haven't got a clue what the future has in store for me.

I'm a planner.

Not the kind that writes down a timeline and sticks to it like the glue.

The kind that writes todo lists and fits things in where she can.

The person who starts the race, might get a little lost along the way, but manages to finish up first anyway.

I like to have choices. I don't like feeling suffocated.

But the practical side to me reigns in the free ranging spirit side and we all get along nicely in the end.

I'm a bit of a control freak.

I like to have order in my life, but i like it on my terms.

I like that my future is so open to new experiences.

It makes me feel light headed and my heart flutters in my chest with hope.

But i don't like not knowing what those new experiences will be.

It makes me nervous and i feel like i'm in a permanent state of anxiety.

I'm always worrying. But at the same time, i'm so relaxed i make myself want to scream.

I don't understand how i can be both of these things at once.

All the time.

It's like i'm fighting a war within myself and it's never going to end.

Purely because i don't think i'll ever be certain about the future, and i don't think i'll ever stop hoping for more.

I'm even more indecisive than ever.

With every day comes some new revelation and then my plans start to shift so minutely that before the week is out i have a totally new perspective.

If i had worries before that i was bipolar, they're not going away anytime soon.

I just lack any security in my life.

Everything depends on the circumstances surrounding my life.

I'm only going to pass college if i continue to work hard.

I'm only going to work hard if i feel happy.

I'm only going to get into the university of my choice if i make great grades.

I'm only going to get great grades if i have a ton of spare time and i really believe in myself.

I'm only going to have spare time if i continue to get signed off by my doctor.

I'm only going to get signed off by my doctor if i pretend i'm taking anti depressants.

I don't know how to believe in myself when i'm lying about taking anti depressants.

And i'm worried that the thought of taking them to stop my anxiety and ocd habits has passed my mind more than once.

I'm only going to be able to afford to keep living the way i am if i continue to sign off sick.

I'm going to need to get some extra work to suppliment my sick pay because even that's not enough.

I'm worried that will effect my learning and i'm worried i'll end up with no money at all.

My rent runs out in two weeks and i don't know where i'm going to live.

I'm scared that i'll resort to selling my car for the �3000 it offers and the peace of mind from having paid most things off at once.

But if i sell my car then i don't get to go travelling.

And more than anything in the world, that's what i really want to do.

I keep changing those plans. Shortening the time i'll spend abroad and limiting the countries i'll visit.

But i don't think i'm being fair to myself.

I haven't been on holiday, actually abroad, for 18 months, and i miss it so much i ache.

I've already decided to delay going away until the 1st July..and then i only have about 12 weeks to fit everything in.

I've already decided i'm only doing some of asia and australasia.

I don't want to find i can't do any of it at all.

So i keep telling myself to forget about selling the car. To not think about it until my situation becomes so dire that i have no choice.

But that means i'm living in the present.

I'm not able to make solid plans.

I'm not able to look forward to things because i don't know what it is exactly i have to look forward to.

How do i go from living solely in the future, to living in the now?

It all plays on my mind every second of every minute of every hour of every day and i just want it to stop.

I want to be able to relax. Like really relax.

But until this year us out i'm not going to be able to do that.

Until i've passed this course and paid everything off and i know which university i'm going to so i can plan my life, i'm not going to be able to be truely happy.

And you know what, that well and truely sucks.

Don't even get me started on losing weight cause i might feel like strangling myself.

<<ghosts []the mist>>