And confused.

And just plain furious with myself.

We got our English test result back and i only got a pass.

A frickin' pass.

And i was already stressed out because i'd failed to read the book for reading group.

So what did i do?

I cried. Out of pure frustration.

And i just couldn't help it.

It's made me question whether i should really be studying English at university level at all.

It's made me question what the fuck i actually want to achieve by going to university.

A career? Or do i want to do something that interests me? Or something i'm good at?

I don't question that i should be doing this course.

I enjoy it. I like learning new things. And so far i've been pretty good at it.

But a pass??!!

IN ENGLISH!?!

I really just don't know what to do.

I've been sitting at the computer googling all sorts of courses trying to decide what i should do.

What makes me happy?

What am i good at?

I just...i feel so lost.

And i'm just so angry at myself for not doing better.

But it's like Tivi said...maybe this is a sign.

I've been pressuring myself so much to do well in English.

That so far, i've failed to really enjoy the lessons.

There are so many Universities out there and so many more degrees.

I just need to figure out what the right one is for me.

But i feel like i have a time bomb hanging over my head.

How can i have let my indecisiveness reach into the one thing i thought i was sure of and shake it all up?

How can i be so doubtful all the time?

And when the hell did i get so god damn competitive?

My personal statement is due next week and if i'm planning on changing courses i'm going to have to rewrite the whole thing.

I need to pick an interest. The strongest one. And stick with it.

I might love the idea of literature and creative writing and philosophy and art and journalism and classical studies and photography...but i can't do them all.

At best i can do two. I can double major.

I just need to sort out a system in my head of what's right.

What's right for me.