It's still working for now.

Had to watch the programme. Simon even cleared out the house so i could...not that it really required him clearing out the house.

I've spent the weekend at home. I literally haven't left the property.

Friday night i went to see Harry Potter (of course).

Which was absolutely amazing (of course).

Even if they did shoot some of the scenes in the wrong order, causing me to get a little miffed.

I should know by now to not take it personally, it's 'based' on the book...which means not everything is going to be how i read it.

Like the colour of Harry's eyes. That miffs me a little bit too much.

But besides that, it was great. I'm thinking of going to see it again on wednesday because we have an inset day, and by then i should be caught up on all my college work.

Becky slept over on friday night - i made us stirfry and we watched Angels and Demons.

Saturday i built my book shelves, which i am super proud of - it's the first time i've actually bothered to make something instead of passing it over to the nearest available male.

Granted i did hurt my wrist with all the screw drivering that occurred - i have repetitive strain syndrome in my right wrist - the butt of many jokes - but i have a lot of little joint problems that like to pop up every now and then.

If i slam it in a wrist support for a few days it'l be as good as new.

I finally went through every cupboard and organised it all - put my books away - got all my little knick knacks out and plastered the walls with pictures i'd remembered to print off on friday at college.

I'm not allowed to put nails in the walls so my canvases will have to go into storage at my Ma's.

It feels so good to be sitting in my room now - all complete.

It's like my little haven.

I guess that in some respects i'll always have that.

I can always turn where ever i'm staying into a small living and breathing portion of myself.

A little bit of home away from home.

But my home is where ever i make it after all.

Being uprooted year after year does that to you.

I'd like, one day, to feel settled though.

To love a place as much as i love my room and all the things in it.

I caught up on some of my downloaded stuff last night and i've nearly managed to download every tv season and movie i once owned on dvd and more besides.

I did my washing today and organised all my college folders.

Gave Grams, Ma and Lynn a ring.

Ma, Lew and Grams should be coming to see me in Ma's new car this friday and i've decided i'll go back with them for the weekend.

I sort of miss them. All of them. But especially Lewis.

Lynn apologised for not ringing me as often as she used to.

To be perfectly honest, i was a little worried that she didn't want to talk to me anymore.

I've had plenty of experience with people excluding you from their lives as soon as you move away.

Out of sight, out of mind and all that jazz.

But it's because she feels bad lying to everyone about how i am.

She said that i wouldn't believe the amount of people that ask her on a daily basis and she hates having to lie, so if she doesn't speak to me and says just that, then she feels better about it.

At first i had a sudden panic that she was going to cave and tell our boss that i'm at college.

But i know she wouldn't do that.

And then i started to feel bad about the position i've put her in.

I didn't ever mean to make it hard for her and i suppose that's all i've done for the past few months.

As soon as i have a part time job (hopefully soon after christmas) then i can quit and everything between us can go back to normal.

I can add all the people i was dubious about trusting back onto my facebook and i can catch up with all the people i've neglected.

Sometimes chasing your future is a lonely business.

I'm up in my room now with lots of smelly candles on the go and a big mug of coffee to keep me going while i try and get some of my college work done.

I've been progressively industrious over the past few days.

Getting little bits and peices that needing doing sorted out and fully integrating myself into the house here, aswell as catching up on all my college work.

By next weekend i don't want to be worrying about anything.

I should be okay for money - having planned it out this weekend.

I'm listing everything on ebay today and tomorrow and my bills will get paid this week so that's one relief.

I'm going to chase up my ALG payments and use that money, along with whatever's spare from ebay, to pay for my new camera before my course starts.

And as soon as this ebay stuff has shifted i should be able to sort out everyone's christmas presents.

I can't believe it's approaching so fast.

I feel like in a blink of an eye it will be over and i will have missed it.

Like i could fall asleep and dream the whole thing happened and wake up to find myself another year older.

To think, that i used to mark my year by these big occassions.

That the individual days between them didn't count.

Now every day matters.

Now every day something monumentous in the scheme of becoming myself seems to occur.

Time moves even faster now that i have so much to do.

Now that i have so much to look forward to.

Every year i would have a count down.

Until Easter.

Until Summer.

Until Halloween.

Until Fireworks night.

Until Christmas.

Now the days all blend together and before i know it i've reached those destinations.

They aren't as spectacular as i originally felt or thought.

But they are special all the same.

But the course i'm on...the days that lead up to that moment when i've finally realised my dream....they all matter.

They'll always matter.

Life is busy.

Being busy makes me forget and remember everything all at the same time.

In 33 days i'll be 24.

Twenty fucking Four.

It's my lucky number. I always looked to this year as the greatest i'll ever have.

As the epitomy of my youth. My life.

But what if that's not true anymore?

Eight years ago i decided to null the life that was growing inside me.

And i told myself that when i was 24 i would be a mother and i would be the best god damn mother i could possibly be.

I'd raise my children to be honest, beautiful, strong and kind.

I'd teach them to appreciate everything, to yearn for new experiences and to judge fairly.

I'd show them how great life could be if they just believed in themselves.

I'd give them a proper house to call home. With two parents. An abundance of siblings. Love swirling in the very air they breathed.

But look at me now.

I'm starting on a venture that will last me the next three to four years.

With no room for a family of my own in the making.

And after that, there'll be another two years where i enjoy my life and build my home.

Where i live strongly and wisely and happily.

And after that? Who knows.

And as much as i wished eight years ago, that today i would be in a position to raise little me's and litle him's (whoever he might be). I'm not.

But as much as i wanted it then, and still want it now, i don't regret my wish not coming true. I'm excited about what life has to offer me, and what i have to offer it.

I'm in no way ready to give such a huge portion of myself to another being.

Call it selfishness. Or a desire to be whole before i break myself apart.

So instead of making a wish this time. I'm going to make myself a promise.

In eight years i want to have started or be going to start a family.

I want to have a job that i love, savings that make me financially secure and a home that's just that - a home.

I'll always be me and i'll always have fabulous friends and family to support that.

So even if i don't find the perfect man to make my mini people...then i'll get a sperm donor and i'll adopt.

But that's my promise to myself. In eight years, when i'm approaching my 32nd birthday, just like i'm approaching my 24th now, and like i approached my 16th then....i'll be ready and i'll make my 16 year old dream come true...a whole life time later.

I was curious the other day about my reactions to guilt.

I hate feeling it, but i seem to be susceptible to it more than most.

For example: a dude was standing out in the dark and cold waving at cars that went by. I noticed and smiled, but i didn't wave....immediately afterwards i was hit with a pang of guilt.

I felt awful that i hadn't waved back at this man. This stranger who's life wouldn't have been affected either way.

And i realise how absurd this is.

But it still happens. All the time.

And i can't for the life of me fathom why i should be so sensitive to this sort of thing.

I can never understand my feelings. Especially ones like this.

But they are, altogether, very sincere and true.

And i guess that in this day and age that's got to have some sort of value to it.

I had an amazing dream the other night.

I was desperate to leave where i was and i felt so isolated and helpless because i was without a car. And then i remembered my motorbike and i felt so hopeful, it was just beautiful.

I rode off, full of glorious triumphant feelings that i was not yet thwarted in this life.

I really liked this dream...only thing is, i don't own a motorcycle.

I half expected, when i woke up, to remember that i did indeed own one. But alas, i don't.

It didn't half make me wish i did though. Despite my initial reservations about the safety risks of riding one...i think, one day, i'd like one.

Amazing how influential dreams can be sometimes.

I've taken some pictures of my room today.

Half because i'm so proud of myself for getting it organised.

And half to remind myself for future ocd tendancy mishaps.

I'll add them to my Images album so if you're really really interested in me....lmao only joshing....they're there to view.

I'm so curious i'd look at pictures of mud if you told me that's what you had for me to view.

*sighs* No such thing as being nosey.

Phoenix - 1901

Ayn Rand - Atlas Shrugged

I like having flowers in my room...especially in jugs. Flowers in jugs rock.