I got my history assignment result back - thankfully it was a Merit.

I asked her about my personal references that are going off to UCAS from every class and she told me she's putting me down for Distinction in every subject, because that's what she believes i'll get.

Is it totally ridiculous that i was mildly disappointed with myself for my grade? Despite knowing my UCAS application will look fab.

I mean...i hammered that thing out in less than 24 hours, between sleep and college and whatever else i did to try and distract from my task.

So i should just be bloody grateful that i got such a good grade with so little effort.

And i'm not seriously irritated. I was still happy for other people that got good grades.

I'm just a little disappointed with myself.

But i have been making a bigger effort lately to get my work done and i do feel relatively caught up and happy with all my subjects.

So hopefully it's just a one time thing.

And i fully realise that i only have to get two thirds of my assignments at Distinction level to pass the course at that grade.

But i know i'm better than this, you know?

Anyway, that said, college was okay today.

Comms we didn't even do the debate because some woman was in giving a talk on UCAS applications.

Looks like it will be happening next week instead.

Chris sort of apologised to me, in a round about way, and i don't think we even know what topic we're debating now.

But i feel a bit better about it. Especially as Mark approached me and said he'l argue my side with me :-D

ICT was a tad more productive than my previous lessons.

I finished my referencing and table and made a start on my poster.

I'm going to run through it all at home this week - just to finish it off and check it's perfect.

Next lesson i should be able to do all the bits and pieces she needs to see me do, in order to pass ICT.

History wasn't too bad either. Ton of notes on Stalin's rise to power in the 20's....industrialisation and collectivisation and all that kind of shiz too.

I don't mind this subject. I quite like some of it actually. But sometimes it's just a fuck load of information making my head spin.

Monday and Tuesday are going to be my dedicated college study days next week.

I'm opening up every subject folder - reading all my recent notes - checking for homework and doing it - and then making sure it's all completely organised.

God. No wonder they're all seriously calling me a nerd.

Talking of nerds...

Sinead got a Merit on History too and she was none too pleased.

She was ranting about how she couldn't understand how some of them got Distinctions and she didn't.

And she turned to me and said:

'I don't understand how you can have such a lax attitude and just say fuck it, and then get such good grades.'

And i just (intelligently) said:

'Dude, you need to chill sometimes. You're too serious. Relax and it'll all work out.'

I think she might hate me a little bit right now.

But i do like Sinead. Despite her inability to be secretive when playing pranks and her lofty ideas of her capabilities.

I guess i have the same ideas too. And i know i'm right. So maybe she think's she is too.

She's a little bit more of a kindred spirit than Tivi is. Though i do love Tiv.

My snickerdoodles have been going down a treat. I have none left now.

I bought stuff with me to make my brother chocolate cornflake cakes.

Whilst my Ma is out on a date tomorrow i'm going to add everything to ebay and make them for him before he gets back from work.

So anyway, i ended up having to get the bus to Bedford.

Which absolutely sucked. I really hate long ass bus journeys sometimes. Like right now.

But i did read quite a bit of Atlas Shrugged. Doing that whole laugh out loud at parts that probably only i find funny thing. It was nice.

Mums car is uber cute. My brother thinks it suits me more than her, but i'll be damned if she'l let me drive it.

Oh and Becky rang me earlier, just for general chit chat, which was sort of really nice.

I love my big cuz. That's what i've been calling her - i'm probably driving her mental.

I think she was hoping i'd be around at the weekend.

I miss the rest of my family though.

I know it's only been two weeks but i stupidly do.

Lewis was waiting at the bus stop for me and engulfed me in a big hug.

It made me feel right at home.

I should probably get used to not seeing them so often, but sometimes it's hard.

So...on to why i'm not so happy.

We picked up my mail from my old place in Bedford and amongst the plethora of letters was one from ALG saying i'm not entitled to it - but that won't be the case for long once i appeal.

And also one from work. Declaring a disciplinary hearing on the 30th which is basically a formal way of trying to sack me.

It turns out, other than their mostly circumstantial evidence, Smithy (yeah my supposed friend Smithy) has been tattle tailing.

I understand that he was always a bit jealous of my cat like ability to escape situations.

He always asked how i managed to get away with so much, and not in a friendly enquiring manner.

But seriously? To tattle tail. To 'dob me in' so to speak. That's low.

And i'm going to have a few choice words for his stupid ass when this thing is over.

I know why he's doing it though.

He's stuck with an absolute bitch of a fiance because she's had his child.

He's bought a house with a woman he's told me he doesn't find attractive. And if he leaves her he'l lose the house that his mum coincidently paid �50000 towards.

He's stuck engaged to a woman who refuses to work above 10 hours a week and has never worked full time in her life, despite being much older than me and completely able.

He's going to be in this shitty job for the rest of his life. He'l be one of the oldies one day and he'l be miserable.

I know he wanted to see a bit of the world and he wanted to go to Uni...but his chances are shot now.

I also realise that he can't become a train driver because he kept failing the tests - the tests that i passed first time around.

I'm the enemy. I'm going off to live my dreams and he's stuck in this god awful existance that we both know, from experience, saps the life out of you.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. It seriously is. But what other explanation is there?

I trusted him. I've had many personal conversations with him.

He was my friend.

And look what he's done?

I just can't understand how i've managed to surround myself with all these unloyal people.

Do i have some label on my forehead that says 'trusting fool ready for the taking' or something?

*sighs*

It feels like a little knife has been stuck in me. It feels like it's sitting in a shallow wound that never really healed.

I'm obviously not a very good judge of character. I need to work on that.

If i hadn't still got some amazing friends, and if i hadn't just made a whole bunch more....maybe i'd be more upset.

But i'm already moving on from it. I had my little rant on facebook, and i'll send my vicious text the minute i'm no longer an employee. That's something i never seem to be able to stop myself from doing.

But i'm mostly just extremely glad that i know who my real friends from there are now.

They'll be happy for me.

I've decided the only real way to battle this is to trump them.

So tomorrow i'll be writing out and sending off my one months notice. They won't bother doing anything once i've done that because it'l be pointless - at least i hope they won't.

And the job search begins.

I've applied tonight for one with Boots in St Albans town and i found another one in a posh European resteraunt right by college - only my CV is at home on my laptop so i've bookmarked it and i'll apply on monday.

I'm just going to have to keep an ear out.

But with any luck, i should still get paid from FCC in December and January, because of the notice period and leave, so it's from February that i desperately need it.

I knew it would happen one day, and i suppose i've had a pretty good few months with regards to no work.

But it's been stressful getting doctors notes, and it's nice to know that it'll all be over in a month.

Then i can start claiming my ALG aswell and either find suitable overtime or tips, depending on the job, or i can register for something additional, like babysitting.

Anyway. It'll all the fine.

Thank god really. That i've realised in time.

In one month i won't have to worry anymore. AND i'll be able to get the train to see Ma, Lew and Grams :-)

Two good things did happen today though.

I got my pretty plants back from Bedford.

And, although not exactly good, it has enthralled me.

I got my donar card from the NHS through the post and it tells me my blood type.

I was totally and utterly convinced i was O+...and i'm not at all.

How strange.

I'm A+.

Kind of like my whole attitude these days really.

Tired Pony - Dead American Writers

Atlas Shrugged

I love revenge. But maybe i'll be a little less vindictive when enacting it now.