Fuck Psychology. I can afford to be worse in that subject.

I woke up with god awful cramps and the beginnings of a cold.

And right now i've just about had enough of sneezing.

I sound all scratchy and if it's irritating for me then i don't want to know what it's like for other people.

I've only ventured downstairs twice.

Once for some coffee and chocolate biscuits.

And the next for reheated lasagne and sweet tea.

The second time i went down, Chris was dancing to the TV and i almost wet myself with laughter.

I like my house mates.

I've been writing my christmas cards out - had to be done.

I'm sort of making myself laugh with how joyously christian my messages sound this year.

I'm blaming my attitude on my sickness.

Everyone's going to be opening them and wondering what the hell's happened to me.

I even thought about sending one to my Dad. That's how doolally i feel right now.

I don't even know what prison he's in anymore. I suppose i could ring around and ask...i still remember his prisoner number after all.

Besides, criminals deserve christmas cheer too right?!...right?

I don't know.

I finally finished editing my comms assignment and i went over my ICT one too. I got to the poster and decided i wasn't in the mood.

If i'm really good, i might read the Great Gatsby tonight and write up the notes tomorrow.

I'm getting concerned about money again.

More about the fact that i haven't worked out how i'm going to pay for my new camera yet.

Jeez. I just need to find myself a job and that'll solve that problem.

I say i like it's that easy.

We'l see.

I'm going Becky's on Thursday evening. Think i'll have to borrow some money from my Ma to make sure i have all her ebay money, i think i spent like �30 of it.

Plus i really need to get my UCAS application looked over tomorrow and sent off and i need �20 for that too.

Oh and bowling on friday night. Can't miss bowling!

And i need to post some of the stuff i sold on ebay! God, sometimes it never ends.

When i feel better and i've stopped surfing the crimson wave i'm going straight to the gym.

I'm sick of being so happy about who i am and then not wanting to look at myself in the mirror.

What a lemming.

Having contradicting opinions of yourself is so unbecoming.

Ugh. Sneezing again!

December tomorrow. Jeesh. Three weeks tul my birthday on friday.

Lynn text me earlier and told me she wasn't buying me a birthday present, only a christmas present.

And i know this moaning-about-my-birthday-being forgotten-over-the-calamity-that-becomes-christmas is gunna get old pretty fast.

But seriously.

Is it that hard to get me two presents??

I always manage it. Everyone manages it for everyone else.

Just because my birthday is the day before christmas, does not mean it's okay to disregard it.

It just...it just pisses me off.

I love my birthday. I seriously do.

But sometimes my birthday is a pain in the ass.

And it's because of other people's attitudes that it happens.

My family always try to make it special for me.

24th December has never been Christmas Eve in our house. It's always been Rachael's birthday.

But sometimes i hate my friends for the way they make me feel over it.

And right now i'm hating Lynn.

If she cared, surely that would be my day to her too?

It sounds like i'm moaning about not being spoilt or something...because it's not about the value of the gift...seriously.

Shit...you could give me a bag of marshmallows and i'd just be fucking happy you thought of me.

I hate being forgotten about.

I hate being second on my own god damn birthday.

If they care then they make the effort.

I just...i remember Lynn's birthdays and the effort i've made for her.

I took her to an amateur theatre production of Terry Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters (she loves Terry Pratchett), i bought her a Thorntons birthday cake (she loves chocolate) and i meticulously picked out the perfect present.

Last year i didn't even get a card.

This year looks set to be the same.

I don't think i'm being unreasonable to suggest that she doesn't make half as much effort as i do in this friendship sometimes.

I always try to think of the people i love, especially on birthdays and christmas.

I love making them happy. I always have done.

Is it too much to ask that i get a little bit of the same in return?

Just a little bit?

I'm a bit worried really. I remember how shit i felt on my birthday last year.

I remember excusing myself from the room and crying in the bathroom cause i just felt so un-god-damn-special.

My best friend had forgotten my birthday and bought me a book of christian quotes for christmas. Yeah me, the fucking athiest.

My auntie had bought me a PINK fluffy poddle thing and a gold sequined ring thing. The kind of things i laugh at in the store and pity the person who owns them.

And my cousins completely forgot my birthday. I didn't even get hugs.

And we did nothing. All day.

I don't want to ever feel like that again. It was one of my all time lows and it ruined the whole holiday for me.

And god do i LOVE christmas.

So this year i've made sure my auntie knows what i want and i'll crucify my cousins if they forget.

I'm going to make a plan to do something on my birthday.

And i'm going to tell Lynn how i feel. Like it or not, i'm going to be honest.

Fuck anyone who trys to ruin my 24th birthday.

...

...

I hate colds.