Sometimes i feel so starved of affection.

I feel positively pathetic writing it down.

I shy away from the thought as soon as it enters my mind.

I keep telling myself that i don't need anybody.

I'm perfectly okay on my own. Arent i?

But, what if i'm not?

I'm not so sure anymore. Of anything.

It's all muddled up in my head.

I don't know how i got like this...i really don't.

I mean...i know stuff's been pretty feckin' shit in the past.

I know this. And i wish some of the things that have happened...hadn't.

But i accepted my life for what it was a long time ago.

Bad stuff happens. But you gotta get up and keep going. No matter what.

'Cause a lot of good stuff happens too.

I know my heart has hurt more times than i can count.

I know some things have gotten seriously messed up in my head.

But i don't know how i let it change me into this.

I'm bitter. I'm twisted. I'm selfish. And sometimes i'm a little bit heartless.

But I have a big heart. I know this.

I know how to love people, and i know how to be kind and generous...despite behaving like a twat a lot of the time.

I do care. Even when i'm telling you i don't. I do.

Even when my ranting is so convincing you'd think my chest was frozen inside, and my words are dripping with barely concealed acid. I do care. I promise.

I just don't know how i got to where i am.

I don't know who's to blame, if anyone is to blame.

Sometimes i think that it might be me.

That i'm stopping myself from being happy.

But everything that's gone wrong...i couldn't control 90% of it.

It was all taken out of my hands.

And what little control was left with me was not enough to make a change.

It wasn't enough to erase the past and make me over again.

It was never enough.

I don't know why i push and pull at people.

Letting them come close and then running away.

I don't know why i pick at people's faults....why i try, and succeed, in finding all the bad things before i look at the good.

I don't know why i can't trust someone enough to love them properly.

I don't know why nobody makes me feel safe anymore.

I drive myself crazy. Wanting something i won't let myself have.

It's so tiring.

I have a huge gaping hole inside of me.

Only, most of the people i loved aren't dead.

They're still alive. I could have them in my life, couldn't i?

But when i put them there, they don't fill up the gap properly.

Like tryna fill a square with a circle. It just doesn't sit right.

You're dead though.

Dead as a doornail. I never did like that expression.

What would you say if you could see me now?

Would you smile at me like you always did? Would you know exactly what to say to make my heart feel full?

I wish i was like you. Overflowing with love and happiness.

And forgiveness. You always forgave.

I miss you sometimes.

*sighs*

I wish i didn't hurt like i do.

And it all feels so pathetic.

Things could be so much worse.

So so much.

What right do i have to feel sorry for myself? What right?!

None. That's what. None.