No...No i don't need Viagra, and i haven't had an accident recently; though, if you're offering �3000 for absolutely nothing, then I�m game.

Junk mail is such a tease.

This entry is probably going to be rather long, so you'll have to excuse me...gotta remember this shiz somehow, haven't i.

I'm doing pretty much nothing again this weekend...well, nothing by most people's standards, but i kind of like holing myself up with books, so that's something.

I finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on Thursday evening.

Addictive or what.

And St Albans popped up in the book. How freaky is that.

I heart Mikael Blomkvist.

Then i was all bummed out, 'cause i really don't have the money for any new books and once i start, it's really hard to stop.

So damn curious.

But then i remembered that i have a Kindle, and isohunt became my new best friend.

Oh yeah. EBooks rock.

So i started reading The Girl Who Played with Fire last night.

I'm about a third through - chances are I�ll finish it today and move onto the next one tonight.

Domestically, i don't have a shed load to do for once.

I'll run the hoover round later, quickly polish and do some washing.

And I�ve finally taken pictures of everything to go on eBay, so tomorrow morning that'll be my first task. Shouldn't take more than a few hours.

I�m meeting Becky in Hatfield when she finishes work tomorrow arvo; gunna grab some dinner and go see The Green Hornet at the pics.

I don't have any college work that's urgent...so nice to be able to relax, knowing I�m not neglecting anything.

I handed in my English on Thursday, but i asked Amy to have a read of it first.

She teaches the other English group, but i know she'll be honest about my work.

She told me that if she was marking it, she'd definitely give me a Distinction.

I'm still a little unsure of Sara, but i can't help hoping she�ll mark it the same way.

*squeals* Anyway, it was such a relief.

I mean...i gathered mine was pretty good.

As arrogantly as i behave, I�m actually pretty unsure about the level of my work at times.

And I�m self-conscious about it too.

But when Graca and Shay got me to read out what I�d written so far on Weds, to sort of give them inspiration...and then made me stop half way through 'cause they said i was making them feel worse.

Shay with her head in her hands and Jamie open mouthed across the room.

I just felt so god damn good.

Is that egotistical of me? I don't care. I got up and hugged them.

They didn't realise how badly i needed to see/hear my work was good.

After the Pass debacle in the beginning of the year, I�d started to seriously doubt i had any skill in English Lit.

I lost all confidence and interest in my English lessons.

God...getting one C grade triggered off a whole series of events, which led me to deliberate over what I actually wanted to do at Uni.

And i don't regret changing my course from English Lit. Not for one second.

But it's nice to know; if I�d wanted to do it, i could have.

And talking about grades, I got my Stalin essay back yesterday. Distinction! Whoop!

I�m 4/5ths Distinction now. As long as I keep it 2/3rds and above for the next three months then I�m golden. I�m starting to despise my one Merit. Serves me right though.

I don�t really understand why I behave like I�m the best thing since sliced bread; when I�m actually only as confident in myself as the people around me are. More like I need their praise to keep on believing I can do it really.

It�s bizarre. Maybe that�s just my personality; the cock sure person who�s actually incredibly self-conscious. God, no wonder I perplex people so much. And irritate the shit out of them no doubt.

I hate feeling like I care what people think about me though. Some days I couldn�t give a shit, and you can tell by the way I behave. But other days�I�m like a frightened kitten in a mine field.

It�s funny, though, to look at how much I�ve grown in such a short space of time.

It�s probably harder for other people to notice, because I don�t let on when I don�t understand something.

But, two years ago, when I was working on the railway, and struggling to come out of the dark place I�d been in for far too long�I was actually pretty repressed. In every way. I hadn�t learnt anything new for such a long time. It was like my sixteen year old mind was trapped in a twenty two year old body.

I�d spent so long just existing. Not living.

I need new knowledge and new experiences to flourish. I need intellectual conversation and an adventurous spirit to function like myself.

I�d stopped growing as a person; I�d stopped seeking the knowledge I needed to understand everything that spiked my curiosity.

Aside from the huge collective of things I�ve learnt recently, regarding Psychology, Sociology, Comms, History, English, ICT and Maths. I�ve learned so much more, about Politics, Law, Philosophy, Religion, the Education system and about people in general.

It�s like I�ve finally caught up. I don�t feel like a sixteen year old trying to play adult games. I feel like an adult who knows the full power of what she�s saying.

I feel liberated.

And I fully accept that there is so much I really haven�t got a clue about. But every little thing that holds my interest, I will endeavour to understand it by any means.

What kind of life would this be if I wasn�t continually growing?

And on that note, I�m going to make a conscious effort to not dwell on the past.

I want to stop holding it against people and sort of wipe the slate clean.

Like a mass forgiving. *giggles* That sounded way too religious to me.

But, seriously, I feel like by holding on to all these bad feelings I�m stopping myself from really living. It hurts to burn with anger.

Yes, some of the things that have happened aren�t easily forgivable. But I�m not a weak person, and they couldn�t do it to me now. So I guess I should thank everyone for making me who I am.

Sure I have issues and I react crazily to things with no obvious explanation. And I�m pretty sure I�ll still be dubious about people for the rest of my life, but at some point I�ve got to accept everything for what it is.

I�m here, I�m alive and I can build a fantastic life for myself. If I just make an effort to move on. To really move on.

And yeah, there�ll be moments when I can�t forget. Dark days when I can�t think positively and I want to shove people�s optimistic feelings where the sun doesn�t shine.

But every day doesn�t have to be like that. I can turn it all around and make every day what I want it to be.

I�m not fool enough to believe I can always be happy. I also fully recognise that I�m in a splendid mood today. But I can stop feeling sorry for myself. I can actively choose to be happy.

And I�m all about having choices.

So, on this note *grins* I love my Ma.

And maybe I should think about telling her more often. And Lewis.

I speak to her every couple of days now, and she�s always really nice. Checks I�m okay for money and asks how college is going.

When I told her about my latest results she told me she was really proud.

It made my heart swell. I don�t remember the last time a parent said that to me. I got a stupid smile on my face and everything.

We were talking about visiting the Unis once I get accepted. If I get accepted. God I really want to start hearing back from them.

I�ve decided my first choice is Winchester. I want to do the Creative Writing and Modern Liberal Arts joint honours.

I half wish I hadn�t got my heart set on it, because they may not let me in. But I�m in love with the place now and I can handle a disappointment. I think.

It just seems so perfect. The degree itself is the only one of its kind in the country and its perfect for me. But Winchester is just so beautiful.

A town with cobbled streets, RAF base for ogling hot guys, a rambling river and its within driving distance to New Forest National Park, and the seaside town of Gosport, where I spent summers with my Great Grandmother.

I�d have so many wonderful photographing opportunities and loads of beautiful parks to write in. I mean jeez, it�s steeped in history. There�s an Arthurian Round Table in their castle, and it has a fuck awesome cathedral�not to mention Jane Austen is buried there.

I hate that I love it so much. But I can�t seem to help myself.

Ma says I�m picking very well to do neighbourhoods. What with Winchester being my first choice, and Bath my second. Mwahaha. �Least if I get a waitressing job the tips would be good.

I�m so cheerful today. I don�t even really know why. Been listening to my favourite playlist on my iPod and I went super healthy for breakfast, with Greek yogurt and sliced banana. I feel refreshed, despite the fact I haven�t showered yet.

I took my curtains down last weekend. Tivi turned up while I was in the middle of doing it and was laughing at me. I was going to put my voiles on eBay, but then I decided, feck it. Down came the horrible heavy cream ones that belong to the house, up went my pretty ones.

The window is the whole length of the wall so four voile panels that reach the floor look fab. I put my shimmery royal blue ones in the corners and the white ones with the rainbow butterflies in the middle.

My room looks so bright and airy and they make me feel all protected, sort of closed in, �cause I keep them drawn all the time. It�s like a boudoir. Despite the fact it lets in so much light and the minute the sun comes up my room is flooded, I adore them. I can sleep through the light.

The beaded fairy lights I had hanging across my wardrobe took a nose dive again. I�ve given up and let them hang down the side of the wardrobe.

I�ve decided my personal aim in college is to be in the top 3 of the class. I�m there already, but I gotta make sure I stay there.

Tiv says I�m a big geek. Especially when she asks why I�m so tired and everyone else say�s they�re hung over, but I say I fell asleep reading.

I took in chocolate cornflake cakes yesterday. I�m gunna make some with raisins and some with smarties next week.

I feel like baking this weekend, maybe I�ll make a cake. Gotta put my fab apron to good use.

Chris, who I�m now calling CK, say�s I can be the Green Arrow to his Clark Kent. It�s better than being Lex Luthor. Cheeky sod. We put colour coded paper clips on our jumpers too.

Neets taught me how to do the little heart and shark on Facebook. I love them. She rocks.

Mike has taken to calling me Rash now. A shortened version of Ration, which is short for Rational. Dude needs to make up his mind. Whenever I see him now I say �Yo Mikey!�. It makes me think of the Goonies.

I was 40 minutes late for Tutorial on Weds. I really need to get myself up earlier. I just faff about in the mornings. I don�t know the meaning of �rush�.

Amy was all �What time do you call this young lady?!� so I just grinned and said �Very, very late!�. She smiled and let me in.

Oh I�ve got this sweet shit covered. Jamie say�s it�s not fair. You gotta work with what you�re given.

I hate all this group work we�re being made to do. In History only me and Mark have done anything so far. I finished off the first set of slides � added some statements and pictures etc., while he worked on the first women slides, rewording all the info I�d found online.

Tasha was missing this time so we couldn�t use the stuff she did last week, and Louise was absent yet again�so all the info she supposedly gathered in the beginning isn�t being used.

At least for Sociology, where we�ve now been placed in groups, we�ve got to talk about one topic each. I grabbed at Marxism, �cause at least I understand it. I can make my own poster and write up what I�ve got to talk about for five minutes and they can sort themselves out.

I�ve decided I need to find a way of reserving judgment for people, until I�ve known them a few months.

Take Amanda for instance, I disliked her straight away because of some stupid comment she made; and Natalie, I just saw her as a plastic bimbo.

But Amanda�s pretty sweet really. And so Is Natalie, even if she does use blusher on her boobs and wears eyelashes that could reach her forehead.

It doesn�t matter. They�re nice people.

Besides, my dislike for anything and anyone never seems to be permanent. I used to hate the colour red and wearing sunglasses or hats. It never sticks.

I�m always open to persuasion.

Lewis� dad is moving in with some woman he met on New Year�s Eve. She must be crazy. At least he�s not around Lew so much anymore considering it�s in Luton. And I doubt I�ll run into him for many years in that case too. I dislike Luton.

Mum is officially divorced from him though, that came through the post the other day. I�m happy for her. I wonder if she�ll marry her new fella. He would be a nice step-father.

My heart aches to go visit them. I�m thinking I�ll have to find a way to do it in half term next month. I desperately need some extra money *sighs*

Maybe I should sit down and think of a way to get a hold of �800 in the next two months. That would solve a shed load of problems. I�ll ponder it.

It will be great if I find a full time job in April. Then I�ll be all set for Uni in September.

I think I might try and buy a car next year, I miss driving so much sometimes. It depends really. I�m still going to apply for the semester abroad for my second year, so if I don�t get accepted for that, then I�ll focus on buying a car.

It looks like I�ll have four months free next summer, according to Uni term times. I figure I can work for two and travel for two. So excited.

One of the first things I�m going to do, when I get to whatever Uni I�m going to attend, is look for a job.

I know I don�t especially need one, but I want the extra money and I want to start saving for the first time in my life.

I was thinking of grabbing my bike from Ma�s next time I�m there and using it to cycle to college. I�d need to attach a basket to the front for all the heavy books, but it could work. Especially as the weather will be getting warmer in a few months and it�ll save me bus fares.

I spoke to Grams the other day. Borrowed money for my rent from her, which I need to pay back through a crisis loan, and then supplement the loss in JSA with eBay sales. Always so complicated.

But at least I didn�t pay my rent late again. Restored Zowie�s faith in me at least.

My money situation won�t work itself out over night, but it�s like Ma said, maybe It�ll teach me something about budgeting and what not.

Talking to Grams again, it feels like nothing has changed and nothing happened.

But, like I said earlier, I�m just moving past the shit. I also realise that Grams won�t always be there. Life�s too short, you know?

Mandy�s using emotional blackmail on Ma over their holiday in August though. I so desperately want to say something to her, in defence of Ma, but it�s not my fight so I gotta stay out of it.

Even if I�m itching to have a go. Behave Rachael.

I was on Facebook chat the other day, talking to Vikki, and I realised I actually dumb down the way I speak for some people, she�s one of them. That sort of sounds cruel, but it�s true.

And then she called her daughter a cow and some other stuff �cause she couldn�t sleep. And I just thought, I know motherhood is hard and all, but do you really need to be so derogatory towards your baby?? I hope I never get like that.

And then she was rambling on about how Pete, her husband who is also a friend of mine, can�t get any overtime anymore and only works six days a week. And I thought, please just shut the fuck up. You don�t even try to find work and you spend every day doing shit all, don�t be mad at him. And don�t think he doesn�t like time off because he�s grumpy at home on his precious days off. It�s �cause he�s gotta deal with you. It�s no big mystery luv.

I sound mean. But really?? Are people really like this??

*sighs* Ah well.

J was talking to me on there and all of a sudden he started calling me �really cute� and �so sweet and funny� and I just thought�.oh boy. I�ve been all relaxed around him lately, not so much on my mind and everything, so I�m my usual pleasant uncensored self. And then this happens and I start getting antagonistic towards him, in some personal vendetta to change his mind.

I�d just really like it if people wouldn�t. Especially guys I consider friends. Call me awesome or something. That�ll make me blush but It won�t bother me like �cute� does.

He keeps saying he wants to come over for dinner again, �cause my food is yummy and what not. Now I�m paranoid.

I started talking to Paul on there too. We haven�t spoken in so long. And I kept looking at the little icon, thinking�should I just say hello?

So I did. And we talked for a while, and promised to keep talking. It was him I said I missed. And I really do. He said he missed me too � but he could have just been saying it �cause I did.

He was an amazing friend and I just cut him off. With no explanation. He�s a saint to still want to talk to me really.

He said we needed to have words to go with our pokes or people would talk. (we throw Facebook pokes back and forth usually). So I sent him a message, sort of like a little getting to know someone again game, with a question each time. You know, like bog standard stuff, what�s your favourite colour? Band? Season? That sort of thing.

I wasn�t sure he�d play along, but he has so far. So I�m optimistic. I want him back in my life, in whatever way he wants to be.

I know it can�t be the same as before. All the evenings spent lounging on his bed watching Roswell, and all the hugs and funny huddled conversations in his common room at school, and us girl�s corridor.

But it could be something else just as special, right?

I never really understood why he was such good friends with me. Why he trusted me so much and counted me as his best girl-friend. He was always so much smarter than me, and so deep and beautiful. But I�m glad he did, even if I may have ruined his trust a little.

Like I said, you can�t go back, but you can go forward.

Well, I�m gunna go get some toast and watch the swimming pool scene in The Covenant. Lord knows that�s the only reason I have this movie.

Then I�ll read some more, and maybe watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo now I�ve finished the book.

I don�t have to cook tonight cause I created some crazy concoction last night. Ribbon pasta, cheese sauce, herbs, chopped onion and tuna.

It was actually pretty feckin� delicious. My culinary skills are absurd�.like when I started throwing paprika and cashew nuts in my stir-fry the other day. That was yummy too.

Mad girl.

And, seen as I�m now 24, this is 24 random things you may or may not know about me; but I sure as hell need to remember them, just for the laughter factor when I�m old and grey.

When I eat McDonald�s hamburgers, I eat the bottom bun first, then the top with the sauce, and lastly the actual burger on its own.

I still call jelly tots, belly tots.

I fancy Kevin Ethan Levin (11) from Ben 10.

I cry when Bumblebee gets hurt in Transformers.

I�m really quite bohemian.

I went to Italy mostly for the gelato. Pistachio and coffee eat your heart out.

I secretly want a pair of purple doc martins�and I stare at them every time I�m in Camden.

The best sex I�ve ever had, I was bent over on a balcony, gripping the rail for dear life, in broad daylight, somewhere in Menorca.

I don�t think first impressions are ever a good thing. I always change my mind about people once I�ve gotten to know them, and I know for a fact that I make a completely wrong first impression.

You know those floating banana ride things you get on all touristy beach spots? I used to be terrified of them. You can blame that one on Jaws.

I nearly had sex with a twenty three year old Turkish man when I was 13.

I�m an incurable snoop. But I like to think I�m just inquisitive.

I have a card my brother�s brother from another mother (effectively my step brother) gave me for my 17th birthday. I kept it because he was dyslexic and he spelt everything wrong and it makes my heart hurt if I think about binning it.

I lost my first Pippi Longstocking book down the side of a bunk bed, in a one bedroom apartment in Alcudia, when I was 9. I can still remember what the room looked like � that�s emotional connections for you.

I think I�m actually pretty perverted sometimes. Only no one would ever believe me, I�m portrayed entirely too innocently.

I have a little wooden circular box from Rhodes, which has three of my baby teeth inside it.

My ankles have always clicked when I walk up and down stairs.

I want my nipple pierced. When I have to take my lip one out, to look more mature, I�ll get it done.

At one point, I was seriously considering finding a way to work in a zoo, �cause I figured it had got to be better than working with humans.

I threw a slate table mat at my ex-boyfriend.

I�m a great friend�when I�m around. But I have an awful propensity to temporarily disconnect from people, without meaning to, and then lament about why we no longer know each other.

I drank some white spirit when I was about one. Then I became terrified of water and would scream �water burns� anytime my Ma tried to bath me. No shit.

I love the 2p slot machines you get on any generic seaside pier. And I keep the things I win. I also use those silly penny printing machines whenever I find them.

This song will always be my favourite:

<<ghosts []the mist>>