A sophisticated, scholarly and insightful essay. Very well written Rachael - excellent work!!

*squeals and does a little happy dance*

I'm so chuffed with myself right now.

Both my Mommy's told me they're dead proud.

It's put me in an exceptionally good mood.

Book group was good, got to read Tolstoy's Anna Karenina next - i skipped English this morning cause i didn't feel much like watching Othello.

And i felt uber tired.

Not because i'd been reading excessively, but because i'm going through another restless stage.

I don't know why it's so hard to sleep sometimes.

I tried really hard to fall asleep and about 1am i'd nearly managed it, and then my brain woke up with an idea that i just had to write down.

So i grabbed the notebook that lives on my bedside cabinet and scrawled away, completely unable to see what i was writing.

This went on for about half an hour, then i decided i was better off typing it out.

I stopped about 3am. At this point my mind was buzzing and sleep was the last thing it wanted to do.

I got my Sociology paper back yesterday, with a god damn Merit.

I was so peeved. Hence the angry entry. I had a bit of a go at him - not one to accept things at face value and all that jazz.

The reasons he gave me for not recieving a Distinction were dispicable.

Apparently nobody gets one with him - fuck wit.

And my paragraphs were poorly structured because i'd left gaps between quotes...like we were taught.

I sent a long email ranting and raving to my personal tutor.

I felt better instantly; letting the feelings out always works reasonably well.

My tally now stands at 2 Merits and 5 Distinctions.

21 points down, 39 to go.

I should get my Comms grade tomorrow, and my Psychology as soon as i bother to finish writing it and hand it in.

*sighs*

The biggest downfall of sleepless nights is all the reflecting that occurs.

Old friendships i can't stop thinking about.

Stupid mistakes i made when i should have known better.

I'm starting to think i've switched from being someone who lived solely in the future, to someone who lives solely in the past.

Well, not quite.

But with regards to friendships i do.

I read things like this:

http://tj-fujiyama.diaryland.com/040418_73.html

...and i'm sick to my stomache remembering the things i've lost.

I read entries that say what a good friend i was, how much i'm cared for and how much i'm missed when i'm not around for a few days.

And all i can think about is how easy it was back then, to turn up on some people's doorsteps and just be myself.

How i never used to worry about whether they thought i was crazy or wondered why i said or didn't say some of the things i did.

How accepting they all were.

Whether i was starting an argument, offering advice, snorting bath salts, buying everyone maltesers, running through allotments at night or sitting on their window sill with my head stuck in a book.

No matter what had happened to me in the past, at 15 i was happy; i lived in the moment and i'd found my family outside of the home.

Sure, i had issues and i was pretty self destructive - but i've come to think that's just an unconditional facet of my personality.

I hate that i changed.

But there's nothing to say i can't be that for someone again.

In my own way, i'm not really all that different.

If i did it once....

So i really need to stop having these regrets, and stop closing off all these peices of my heart.

If i gave people a reason to believe in me so much before, then i can give them one now.

And letting the fear of rejection make my decisions for me is a huge mistake.

Sometimes you just gotta take a leap, and trust that the people that care will be there to break your fall.