I haven�t written in my journal properly for a little while, and I really should have; it�s cathartic. So here I am, I guess, spilling my heart out for the umpteenth time in my life. This never gets old.

Right now I have a blazing headache, but my hands are cool from running them under the sink water, and they feel life heaven to my forehead. This is nothing new of course; I�ve always got a headache, or a stomach ache, or I�m just plain tired. Can�t win really can you� *laughs* But seriously, am I the only one that finds there�s always something wrong? Whether it be a bug bite, paper cut or a sprained ankle, it keeps my mind on the present at any rate.

I�m probably going to write this in parts, as I seriously don�t have the energy to write much of anything today. It�s Wednesday and I should be going to Ma�s tomorrow � provided Grams can lend me some money for my train fare. I�ve yet to hear from her, and asking Ma is out of the question (especially considering she had to fork out �65 for me to change my name on my flight ticket).

I�ve been chucking things into my suitcase for the past two days and it�s now overflowing. I guess I should go through it all and pack neatly, but I kind of want to wait until I get to Ma�s to do that. Especially as I�ve been ordering some new clothes off eBay and they�re getting delivered to hers (I really should have done this sooner, it�s so cheap and it gives me a buzz; I�ve let the idea that, because I�m bigger than I�d like to be I shouldn�t bother wasting money on clothes, become much too big of an issue). It doesn�t matter what size and shape I am, that�s changeable and a moot point in the scheme of things, but it does matter how I feel about myself.

I�ve always been a pretty expressive person. I express myself through Art � any form that takes my fancy at the time. Whether it be writing, drawing, debating, painting, crafts or just a distinct way of dressing, I�ll find a way to express myself. I�ve always done this without thinking, we all do it really�so when did I allow the thoughts others possess to cloud my judgement?

When all my friends were wearing pink and sporting the latest cute leather bags, what did I do? I bought the bright pink and black furry messenger bag from Camden market and adored wearing t-shirts that sported stupid slogans like �How bout dem apples?� with my scruffy jeans.

Everyone makes fun of me, saying that if there�s a way to do it differently that I�ll find it and make it my own. I�m sure I�ve mentioned this before, but it�s so true. Even the people that barely know me seem to sense this about me. I don�t do it for the sake of being different, I do it because we�re all different and I choose the path that suits me best.

My wardrobe has slowly been dwindling, and I�ve not bothered to rectify the situation. Instead I�ve just worn whatever clothes my fingers found first and said to hell with dressing to suit my mood. Well, enough is enough. I�ve started collecting things I love again and I�m so eager to match my outfits up perfectly for the week I�m away, that I know, deep down, as shallow as this behaviour is, it�s the right thing to do. I could use more things that make me feel alive.

Talking of feeling alive again�I really have lately. I�m not sure what changed to be honest. I still don�t want to get out of bed until midday�but that probably has more to do with my habit of going to sleep at 4am creeping back. I just find myself chatting ten to the dozen when I see people, and getting so overly excited about University talk and what not that you�d think I was doped.

It�s been nice to spend time around friends the past few days; I forget what I�m missing when I hole myself up and pretend the world is a figment of my imagination. Whoops.

College work is going a lot better. Today I took my last Sociology timed essay and did my last two tasks for Maths. Earlier this week I finished off my Maths coursework and my Revision Reflection assignment. I also managed to go through my portfolio and get it all up to speed.

All I need to do now is finish my Psychology assignment, which I�m going to do tomorrow morning (I did do some today but got a bit bored, only 650 words or so to go, so no biggy) and possibly do the Othello assignment�though I am trying to blag a way out of that.

When I get back from Greece I�ll have exactly one week to start and finish my Research paper�but I can handle that. 2500 words over 7 days should be like lemon squeezy, provided I focus properly and don�t piss around. And then it�s all over!

I got the results back for my exams and Research proposal. Distinction�for all of them!! I was pretty shocked actually. I got 60/60 for my English exam (I seriously don�t know how the hell I managed that) and 43/45 on my History exam (another miracle - especially considering my revision, and in fact initial learning for some of it, started three hours prior to the test) and she loved my proposal. Crazy.

I�ve got to take a Pass for my Psychology assignment because it�s being handed in so late, but fuck it. I can live with one Pass. Serves me right for being such a lazy mare really. Same will happen for English if it turns out I have to do that assignment too. *sighs*

As long as I have my full credits, I really couldn�t care less at this point. I�ve already exceeded all expectations I placed upon myself. Shit, I�m still joint first in the class � what more could I possible ask for?

Money situation is�interesting. My rent is due on Friday and my money for it doesn�t come through until the following Friday (which isn�t very good obviously). I�m doing the chicken thing and waiting until I�m at Ma�s to email Zowie and tell her, and then I�ll sort it out once I�m back. And then I�m moving back to Ma�s three weeks later so I don�t ever have to see any of the people I live with again. Yippee�okay, maybe that was a little strong, but whatever.

I can�t wait to get my deposit back so I can clear my phone bill and get up to date with my creditors. They�ve all accepted my arrangements but I haven�t paid them yet � typical neglectful me.

Then all I need is a summer job to give me a little wiggle room and an enjoyable summer. Thank fuck.

Ma has agreed to let me convert the back of her garage into a sort of writing den/ art studio. Lewis is all set to help me, and I�m irrationally excited. It�ll just be so good to have my own little bit of space this summer. The house can get crowded with the three of us lounging around all the time, and my bedroom isn�t exactly �mine� and it�s a box room besides. It�ll also be a great place to store the stuff I�m not taking to Uni, while allowing fairly easy access in the future.

I plan on buying a few bits of second hand furniture; book shelves for my junk, a sofa to lounge in and a stool to keep with my easel. Hopefully, I won�t be the only one hanging out in there this summer, if I can coax Howie out to Clapham I probably won�t let him leave.

Speaking of�.i haven�t spoken to him in a while. But I haven�t actually spoken to anyone as the house phone is broken; I�ve literally been relying on emails to convey everything, which kind of sucks. I�ll be so relieved when this is all over. I keep saying that don�t i? Sometimes life seems like a big waiting game to me. Taking a big breath once I reach a hurdle, taking the leap, rejoicing in the clear landing, even more so at the bumpy ones�and then taking another deep breath to prepare for the next hurdle.

At some point I�m hoping the hurdles stop coming, or maybe I�ll just stop anticipating them and live the life of a true free spirit. That�ll be the fucking day�the fucking day I�ve died and gone to heaven. Who knows�maybe in three years that�s exactly where I�ll be *shrugs*

To be continued...

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