Sometimes I feel like it�s the burden of those with innovative or particularly creative minds to constantly be misunderstood. I know this line of thinking makes me sound arrogant, but it�s honestly true. They say that bright people seem eccentric, but perhaps they�re just seriously misunderstood.

I�m constantly coming to conclusions about things, or finding a different way of looking at something and it seems to get infinitely harder to explain my thought patterns or reasoning to other people.

Logic isn�t just logic; each person�s logic is unique. My logic isn�t always comprehendible to others, but it always makes perfect sense to me.

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One of my cousins is a bit upset about the things I�ve said to my Grandmother. To her, being elderly means you can get away with any behaviour you wish and call the respect-your-elders card when someone stands up for themselves, and my cousin is inclined to agree. At first I was slightly worried; everything I�ve said and done lately has been to get things off my chest, but not to cause a huge family rift. I especially didn�t want to involve the children in adult arguments.

As far as I�m concerned, it�s all over and done with and we�re all living with the consequences. I may be the only one happy with them, but that�s just how it is sometimes. My Grandmother obviously doesn�t think the same, but I don�t know why I�m surprised really. Once a serial gossiper and manipulator, always one. She asked my younger cousin (17) to read over the emails and gave her a big sob story about how hurt she is, no doubt. Then, predictably, my cousin was shocked and upset � not knowing there was anything going on or any of the background story.

But I�ve spoken to her now, and let her know that I don�t want her upset and she agrees she doesn�t know the full story and wants to stay out of it, as per my wishes. I�ve also spoken to Nika (my cousin�s Ma and the auntie I like) and made sure she�s not getting involved and isn�t angry or anything like that. But she wasn�t, she was the same as always and she knows everything that�s happened. She�s staying out of it, which is exactly what I wanted. I don�t want the problems spread and they need to stay between the people they originated with.

I guess a part of me was aware other people might find it offensive, but I really wanted to prevent that, but at the same time say what I needed to say; and I�m so relieved that I have the support of not only Ma and Lewis (although, I know they�d always be on my side), but Nika and the kids too. Perhaps not their support per say, rather their understanding.

I feel like it�s all coming to a close and everything feels resolved. I always feel better when I can file something away in the memories pile and move on to fretting about something else. *chuckles*

I wonder if this makes me heartless? This ability to call people out on their bullshit no matter who they are. And this even harsher ability to move on with my life.

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I did actually go to visit Nika and the kids after I saw Lorna, but I only stayed for one night as I just really wanted to go home � I was tired and homesick. Their house is always a mess, a little uncomfortable and it felt rather odd without Lewis or Ma around. Nika�s depressed and I know she doesn�t like company much when she�s really low. Can�t say I blame her really.

We spent the day at Tate Britain, which was something I�d wanted to do for a while and I really enjoyed it. I probably would have enjoyed it more had I been with someone who enjoyed art a little more, but it was nice of Nika and Lisha to come with me all the same.

I didn�t see much of Jus, but he did dive-bomb onto the bed in the middle of the night to give me cuddles. I don�t know when I�ll see them all again, but at least I already have once this year.

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It�s been so nice being at home the past few weeks. The time�s moving so fast, but I still have another six weeks before I�ll be moving to Winchester. Six weeks and three days to be precise.

My sleeping pattern is officially scuppered. I don�t have any intentions of righting it until around four days before Uni starts. I�ll just skip sleeping for a couple of nights and refrain from coffee throughout the day, and then I�ll be able to sleep through the night again.

My days are completely lazy, but that�s the beauty of summer really isn�t it? I can sit and read all I want. Speak to whoever I want, whenever I feel like it. Paint, write, bake or organise cupboards. Yeah, the last one sounds a bit domestic and un-fun, but I actually get a lot of pleasure from organising. It�s the OCD in me. I�ve nearly finished going through all of the kitchen and living-room. Next I�ll start on the huge photograph trunk and heirloom box.

Despite the fact I�m pretty much doing nothing with my time, I�ve actually been rather productive. I had a sort of deep cleansing of everything � prompted by my mood shift of late to exclude horrible people from my life. I started going through all my possessions and assessing their importance to me. Anything I�m a little unsure of is now part of the huge pile next to me, ready to get listed on eBay.

I went through all my eBooks, movies and music and deleted anything that just didn�t feel like me. Things I felt I�d outgrown or would never grow into. I�m slowly getting things done that I�ve been putting off for what feels like a lifetime: re-writing my Filofax and scruffy notebooks, painting and writing poems inspired by them, reading new books, watching movies I�ve always wanted to see, planning my future travels and expenses. You get the idea.

I spend some time in the garage in my little haven, and the rest lounging around the living-room. I haven�t been out much, except to see Vikki and co. with Jane and to go shopping with Ma. But, this time around, I don�t really feel like a hermit.

Maybe it�s the fact I�m talking to everyone else nearly every day, and they�re mostly too far away for me to see frequently (like Tivi, Shay, Jamie, Jayne and Tasha). Or maybe it�s the constant stream of neighbourhood children coming in the back door that keeps me feeling alone. I don�t know, but I�m enjoying this productive peace.

I only owe Elisha �200 now, and the only two must-do-these-asap items on my to-do list are listing all my items for sale on eBay (which I plan to start tomorrow and finish by Monday) and joining JS again for six weeks to get her money and laptop money (which I shall do over the phone on Monday).

Then I�m planning on getting a few little bits out of the way � like re-writing the last of my notebooks, organising my writing portfolio, wrapping birthday presents, posting a few things I really should have already posted, baking a giant cupcake for Ma�s birthday (I have vanilla butter frosting and the cutest edible pink glitter and white chocolate stars for decoration � and I found sparkler candles!) and painting her paper lantern (we�ve bought one of those Chinese candle lanterns that you let fly away at night and I�m going to lightly decorate it with water paints for Ma so she can set it off and make a wish!).

After this I�m thinking I�ll start reading Atlas Shrugged again to refresh my memory, so I can write the essay for the competition with the Ayn Rand institute before the end of September. It probably won�t take me longer than two weeks to do all that. So I guess I�ll have another four spare weeks afterwards!

Leaving me plenty of time to get doctors, dentists and opticians check-ups (I definitely need some nice new glasses now my pretty ones have done a runner!) and gather all the bits and pieces I�m going to need while I�m away. I�ve already been looking for jobs and will apply for a few before I move, and my finances are all diligently worked out for the next three years (paying everything off and savings for travelling) � super organised, see!

I�ve got a student railcard and YHA membership (it was free), and now I just need to purchase my NUS extra and ISIC cards and I�m sorted. It really helps being an organisational freak and addicted researcher sometimes.

Hmmm. Well, anyway, my place at Winchester has officially been confirmed and I might still be in the running for an Academic Achievement Award (which would seriously help ease any lingering money worries) but who knows. I probably won�t qualify. Everything will be fine either way.

To help those of you who haven�t actually met me understand the extent of my obsessive organisation, know this: I have literally planned my outfit for my first day of classes. Nutty or what? (it�s mostly because I found the most beautiful pair of delicate brown leather boots with intricate copper buckles � they remind me of pea-coats and ruffled white shirts. I knew I had to wear them for luck on my first day�and then a whole outfit started blossoming in my head!).

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I�ve decided to do everything in my power to go away and do some volunteer work next summer. My initial idea is ten weeks in Africa. I found a super cheap flight and four volunteer jobs with the same company that I can hopefully do consecutively. The first in Kenya, then Tanzania, Malawi and South Africa. It may never happen, but I live in hope.

I drew up some plans, with costing and routes etc. and showed Ma and she thought it was brill. I know I�ll have a lot of free time in each of these countries to do plenty of sight-seeing, but I�m making sure I add some extra time in South Africa to visit a safari park, Apartheid Museum, Bloukrans bridge for the highest bungee jump in the world and go horseback riding on the beach, whale watching and view the original cave art paintings.

It�s such an exciting thought � and I�d get a taste of so many different volunteer jobs � working in a school, an orphanage, a monkey sanctuary and a community within an African tribe.

As soon as I have the money to make the initial booking I�m doing it.

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So what else is new? I can�t remember whether I mentioned I haven�t taken my pills for weeks. It�s probably why I feel so alive and like myself again. Why I�m making all these sudden changes and feel the need to cleanse my life. I had a few weeks of mood swings and dizziness but everything has finally settled down. I�m so glad I�m not medicated *chuckles* I just feel so�so �me�. Very clich�, but true none the less.

Is it egotistical of me to say I feel like I�ve grown up a bit in the past month of so? Not in the boring conventional sense of the word, but in the deep growth of a person sense.

Everything feels comfortable and exciting at the same time. I feel optimistic; despite the fact my super soft sensitive side has also made a comeback. Yep�can�t even watch any remotely sad movies without the tear factor. Eh, what can you do?

This is a real and true fresh start for me.

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Now I have a phone back it�s taking some getting used to. Jamie unfortunately likes to text me numerous times a day, and for no reason whatsoever. But, alas, I knew he was like this from the beginning. He�s been asking some rather odd questions lately, like my favourite number between 1 and 10 and who my favourite Dallas Cowboy is. Yeah I can guess where part of that is going. *rolls eyes*

I�ve promised to design a font for his new tattoo � it�s some biblical Latin script that makes my skin crawl with its pretentiousness. But, in some absurd twist of fate I�ve actually started to respect religious people for their faith.
I feel bad for all the times I�ve bashed on about how hypocritical and nonsensical religion is. Yes, I still feel that way � I am most assuredly an atheist. But, at the same time, who am I to judge people for what they choose to believe in? So long as they don�t foist it on me. If anything, I now hover between admiring their persistence and ability to gain comfort from something based purely on faith, and shaking my head at their illogical reasoning. It�s better than outright dismissing them as idiots or loons, right?

Each to their own and all that jazz.

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Speaking of religion, or anti-religion, reminds me of Howie.

We�ve spoken a few times lately, but not in the past week. He�s busy � like always busy. And I understand it, I really do. I actually greatly admire his determination to train and get into the Army. I�m effectively training myself for what I want to do with my life, so how can I fault him for doing the same?

Except I really miss my friend, and being the only one to keep up the correspondence is starting to make me feel like a stalker, or like I�m in a one sided friendship.

Deep down I know this isn�t true � Howie and I will probably always be friends � we�re just like that I think. I know what he�s like, and he�s mostly grumpy and forgetful and just plain can�t be bothered with people. And I love him for being who he is; I wouldn�t change that for anything. But is it totally selfish of me to want him to come to me? I don�t literally mean �come to me�, though it would be nice to have him come hang out with me here, I mean � seek me out for my company because he misses me as much as I miss him.

Last time we spoke I laughingly told him I wouldn�t be speaking to him again until he emailed or rang me. We joked about it, but I was actually deadly serious. For the sake of my sanity, and possibly my self-confidence, that boy needs to make a little effort.

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And, talking of good friends. Jayne has come to Bedford a couple of times in the past week and we�ve hung out. I thought it might be a little strange at first, but it was actually totally comfortable.

We went for coffee and walked around the country park first time around, and I think that�s when we really got to know each other a bit better. Then she popped by mine last week and got the grand tour (she adores my den and my mother�s decorating skills), then we sat and chatted for a while before she took me to visit Vikki and Pete.

Vikki�s house makes me want to break out in hives � the mess is way beyond what I�m able to cope with, but I felt like I had to go be friendly, especially as she seems to feel I�m slightly stealing her best-friend. Poppy (their eight month old) enjoyed using my hair as a way to stabilise her standing form on my lap � my hair does seem to fascinate little ones. And, bless him, Cole (their four year old) seemed to take a liking to me too. He went and found me a cute teddy to match his little sisters so I wasn�t left out and then proceeded to try to give me every little toy car from �Cars� and natter on all about it. It�s a good job I watch kids movies really, or else I wouldn�t have a feckin� clue.

I get why Vikki might feel like that, but Jayne is just a close friend. I don�t have an open BFF spot � I�m not really like that anymore. I like having friends, and I guess in actuality I have quite a lot of them, but it takes someone really special to get that close to me. Not saying Jayne isn�t special�she�s a lovely person and I enjoy her company, she just isn�t very much like me�in any respect really.

I�ve stepped up my communication with everyone now, more out of habit and expectation, than need or want. So I don�t think there�s a single friend that can moan about my behaviour � at least not to my face!

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Lewis�s friend Will has been around a lot lately and it�s like having another little brother. He even forces me to eat some of his dinner � yeah that sounds odd I know. He walked down the street with his pizza still in the oven tray the other day and came to eat at ours while we were watching a movie. He sliced it up, gave me some and wouldn�t take no for an answer. He did the same with his Chinese takeout the week before.

Now Lewis has another friend who�s always around � Dan. At first I wasn�t so sure about him, but he�s a pretty funny dude and it�s good for Lewis to have friends close to his age. Unlike the two four year old girls that knocked on the door yesterday morning asking if Lewis was �allowed� to come out. Bless.

With Ma not around I have to try and refrain myself from turning into a mother hen and forcing rolls down Lew and his friend�s throats at lunch time. Bleurgh. I must have some silly mothering nature I skilfully hide behind my bitchiness. Mark at college called me the den mother �cause I was always sharing my lunch out.

Lew started driving lessons today � I remember how god damn nervous I always was about them, but I get the feeling he�s going to pass so much quicker than me.

He�s been a sweetheart as well as a pain in the butt lately. The sweetheart factor comes from him giving me his iPod touch because I got it in my head that I just HAD to play �Words with Friends� and it turned out the only way I could do it was through an app. He�s letting me keep it because he has his iPhone now, and we�re selling my iPod classic and splitting the money. After I managed to skim my music down to 28GB I agreed it was the coolest solution. Now I�m obsessed with playing WWF, Tap Zoo and Tiny Tower. Ugh.

The pain in the butt part comes from his inability to tidy a damn thing around the house lately�oh and the constant litter of shoes that always appear at the bottom of the stairs�a convenient place for me to trip over them daily.

They found a little stray Jack Russell dog today and I popped over to one of the neighbours I knew had three dogs and asked if I could have some spare dog food. The woman was super nice and gave me two tins! In the end we didn�t need it because they found the owner and Lew took it back to her. He said she was telling him how lovely his sister is. Score one for Rachael in the village *rolls eyes*.

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A totally weird-and-unrelated-to-anything-else thing happened to me today. I rang my bank to check up on my balance earlier and after the initial security checks, the dude asked me my star-sign and how old I would be on my next birthday. I was all �seriously?!� and he said yes. So I just muttered �Capricorn, 25� and he chuckled and carried on like nothing absurd had just happened. I mean, really? Was he just having a giraffe? What if I hadn�t known my horoscope? Or, what if I was one of those people born on the cusp? Or even one of those people who embraced their new star-sign with the extra one that popped up recently? Heck if I know what that was about.

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We got to meet the step-sisters last week. We went bowling in MK and then had dinner in Pizza Express afterwards. They look nothing alike, and were also nothing like I expected � but they were both pleasant enough.

The eldest (Katie) seems just�normal I guess. She wasn�t particularly interesting or funny in any way, and didn�t have a great deal to talk about. She has read a few books I like though so that gave us a few conversation starters. She typically seems like the kind of person who just wants to be married and raising her kids right now, and that�s it, you know? Nothing more, nothing less. No adventure, no spirit � nothing much in common with me, but perfectly nice to us all the same. She just looked like any old grown up to me. She also looks just like her dad � not ugly, but not conventionally pretty.

The youngest (Sarah) reminded me of a less peppy, less pretty Avril Lavigne. Which sounds rather mean I know, but she was actually pretty cool. She looked exceedingly boyish � as in I could actually mistake her for a boy, if it wasn�t for her pretty eyes. Very grungy and quiet and distracted with her phone � but quite fun once she started talking and we had a few laughs. Maybe it�s because we share the same birthday that I feel I could actually maybe one day be friends with her? Or maybe it�s because she�s younger and she�s into some of the same stuff as me.

Anyway, they were both really nice to me and Lew and the bowling was really fun. I came in third on both games. Roy came first and Lew second. Me and Lew seemed to be about the same skill wise � Sarah didn�t seem to enjoy it much, despite being the one to recommend it, because she wasn�t very good at it. It ended well though with us all getting along.

Ma did a good job of wincing every time I threw the bowling ball, but my strikes prove my method works!

Dinner was comfortable, with us all sharing dough balls (I live for those things) and plenty of conversation. Except, I noticed Katie seemed to like getting digs in at her Dad at every possible moment and Sarah seemed to be anxious to get away towards the end. I get it though, their Ma died not even two years ago and this is all new for them � they probably didn�t realise I would notice. I�ve always been good at reading body language and behaviour � I guess it stems from not wanting to open up conversations about feelings.

All in all I feel it went quite well and Ma was happy with our behaviour, so that�s what counts. Wouldn�t want to be showing her up now would be *winks*

The wedding plans are coming along nicely, and Ma�s been asking my advice on everything from desserts to rings to wedding dresses. It�s so strange, but it�s nice to be involved. She�s even asked me to do a reading after the ceremony, and as nervous as the idea makes me, I�m definitely going to do it. She suggested I do a poem when I first started to fluster over what to say, and I�ve decided to write one myself. I figure my Uni lessons will somehow help me to decide what to say.

Me and Lew have also decided to decorate two of the Chinese paper lanterns for them to set off over the river in the evening after the meal. Her birthday one is a sort of tester, to see if the light paint doesn�t hold it down and test her feelings on them.

Speaking of Ma � she�s been reassigned new centres to manage and doesn�t have the one in Clapham anymore. So she�s definitely moving away from Bedford with Roy, probably nearer to where he lives now. But I�m not even bothered in the slightest � wherever she goes I�ll still see her just as much. Plus, Lewis will be able to drive to see her soon enough, and when he joins the police the chances are he�ll be somewhere completely different too.

I also have no intentions of going back to live in Bedford after Uni is over. I don�t know where I�ll want my home to be, but it won�t be there.

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You know, if I ever had any doubts about anything I�ve said or done in the last year, the immense relief and happiness I�m now feeling is proof enough that I�m on the right path. For me at least.

And, last but by no means least, I�ve set myself two writing tasks. The first is to try a one-shot fan fiction piece and see how it goes. And the other is to write a short modern faerie tale. I�m most excited about the latter though, it�s right up my alley. I need to have had a bit more practise before Uni starts up I feel.

Au revoir for now then!

<<ghosts []the mist>>