Every time I even think about writing in here I find something else to occupy my time and say to myself �I�ll do it later� and then, inevitably, later never comes. But I forget how important it�s always been for me to find a way to work through all the stuff that�s cluttering up my mind, so here it goes.

After I spent all that time over the Christmas holidays on my own, and especially after I realised it was just a smaller echo of the previous summer spent doing nothing, I made the decision to do something about it. As much as I enjoy having nothing to do, I feel like a little bit of me shrivels up when I realise how much time has passed and I�m still in exactly the same position.

Maybe it was turning 25 that did it, or maybe it was all the new things I�m exposed to at University, but I can�t just stand by and do nothing with my time anymore. I mean�sure I still sleep in tul 11 and the phrase �I don�t do mornings� should be permanently tattooed on my brow, and sure I still leave everything until the last minute and spend a huge amount of time just talking with people. But I still get things done, just at my own pace.

But 15 weeks of nothing? With no work and studying to keep me on track? With no home to call my own and no friends around me? That would just plain suck.

So I considered my options, and the one thing that stuck out to me was going abroad. I mean, I�m always rattling on about how I want to go travelling, so why not? I may still be short of money most of the time, but I have a job and I�m working through it, so I seriously just thought, why the hell not?

And then I remembered KAMP Bunac. And I trawled through the website to get a better picture of what was involved. 9 weeks working on a summer camp somewhere in the United States�probably office work or driving, kitchen work worst case� a minimum of $1300 afterwards�up to six weeks to travel independently afterwards �cause you pick your return flight date�only �495 plus visa and police check costs�flights, transfers, insurance, accommodation and food all included�what the frick am I waiting for?

So I filled out the long-winded online application form, picked out my best picture, paid the first �50 and a few days later I received a phone call for my telephone interview. I was nervous as hell, but the woman was super friendly and we just chatted away like old friends. Next thing I know I�m receiving an email from them saying I�ve been accepted onto the programme. So I send off for references and receive �glowing� ones back, post Bunac proof of my student status and I.D, and now I�m just waiting for my endorsed photo to be sent back from Ma so I can send off my police check application (which only costs �35), and pay the other �150 to Bunac. Then there�s nothing for me to do until they find me a job, then I can apply for my visa (which suckily costs �111�I mean, really?!) and pay the other �295 to Bunac. All golden!

I mean, I know there�s a small chance they won�t find me a job, in which cause I get my money back, but I�m seriously optimistic right now. I don�t think it�s properly sunk in that I could be spending my entire summer (15 whole weeks!) in America. Every time I think about it I get stupidly excited. I have all these ideas of places I want to go to in those 6 weeks�.so many places, but I think I�m going to narrow it down to 5 or 6 MUST SEE places and drift around them.

I don�t even care that I might have to work super hard for 9 weeks�I mean, shit, I did that for seven years in this sodding country � it�ll all be so different and I�ll make a bunch of new friends, maybe even some to travel with. I�m just�.beyond excited about it.

So that�s my biggest news. I�m thinking of trying to find some full time work for the Easter holidays too, which will give me some extra savings for the summer travelling. I�ve also decided to make sure I have enough money next Christmas to book a 2 week all-inclusive late deal holiday, somewhere like Egypt or Morocco, probably for the first two weeks of Jan. Then after I�ve done the rounds of visiting family I won�t find myself bored crazy.

Two weeks out of the twelve in this semester are nearly over and everything�s going great. I�ve made some more new friends and I�ve been getting closer to Sarah O. We made cookie pizza and played Uno round hers yesterday and she�s coming over mine to make mini cupcakes and coffee before out poetry class. Hera and I have been hanging out a lot at work and it makes it so much more fun � though she did make some weird alien noise the other night that scared the shit out of me.

There�s also a totally hot new guy called Stephen who works from 9 tul 12 as security and he just makes me wanna stay and work all night. Plus there�s this totally cute guy Toby in my creative non-fiction class who makes me go all tongue tied�no seriously. This is a little of one of my many silly conversations with him:
I�m working and I suddenly see Toby sitting alone at one of the library desks, �Hi Toby�
�Oh Hi�you�re a librarian?� He looks confused.
�No, I just shelve books in the evening.�
�Oh, so you don�t work here?�
Laughing. �You think I do this for fun?�
Laughing back, �I�ve learnt so much about you today.�
Stuttering. �That�s cool�no it�s weird�okay bye!�

Needless to say I don�t have any control over what I say to him so I�m just gunna be myself and not care if he thinks I�m crazy. Noodle thought it was hilarious because I usually have so much to say and don�t say silly things out of the blue, but Toby just makes me act stupidly.

I�m so glad Noodle�s back though. It�s weird, because there�s been this funny tension between me and Bobby for a while now, and it sort of exploded last week in a few silly but harsh arguments, and we decided to give each other some space. I was feeling like he treated me differently to other people, like he didn�t respect my opinions or trust me to be grown up, and he said I was making him feel like he was a miserable sod all the time. His pessimism playing against my optimism. Him the father figure and me the naughty daughter � that kind of weird scenario. Noodle said he could see it happening �cause I don�t react well to male authority figures and Bobby has a fatherly instinct with me or some such.

But the past few days things have looked a bit brighter, and I always have Noodle around me. We were up late last night talking and then around 3am I get these strange silent phone calls from him � we think he was sleep calling me. So weird. He told me his Dad had said I could stay with them in the summer, which was really sweet, and I think I�m going to miss him more than anyone.

It�s not surprising really. He�s usually the first person I see or speak to in the morning and the last person I see or speak to at night. I trust him enough to let him look through my laptop and phone, and he knows more about me and how I feel about things than anyone else in Winchester. I think I�d pretty much tell him anything. Same as he trusts me enough to talk about his Mom and be the silly boy he is when no one else is around. Like yesterday he was fiddling about with my trinkets again and he said, �I like all your little bits and pieces� and I laughed and said, �I know you do, you zone in on them all the time,� and he sort of smiled and told me, �It�s because I used to play with my mums things, it reminds me of them.� And I just thought it was so darn adorable.

That boy is quickly carving a little spot in my heart, and it�s funny �cause I don�t think about him romantically, even if he is terribly handsome, and I can�t ever see us falling out. I mean�usually I can see me having arguments with just about anyone if you give me long enough�but not Noodle. No I think I�ll always have him as a friend and the three years we live together here will cement that.

Me and Lew have been talking a lot more � I think he took my reprimands on silence over Christmas seriously. And I�m stupidly happy about it � I know he�s growing up, but I don�t like the idea of us growing apart.

We did have some fun times over Christmas though � like when we pushed Roy�s sofas together to make a big den and sat watching James Bond movies and munching choccy biccies - and I felt so bad that he�s basically being left alone in Bedford, what with me in Winchester and Ma in Cheddington. But I guess it�s a part of growing up. Once he has his flat I�m going to try and come to visit him more, but I�ll be seeing everyone for the wedding in two weeks - I have my outfit all sorted out and I look rather cute if I do say so myself.

Oh, I haven�t even spoken about Christmas have I! Christmas at Roy�s didn�t feel quite like Christmas and I think Lewis felt it more than me. I got some wonderful presents and the things in my stocking were so thoughtful � I was so grateful. Cute things like my mini cupcake maker (it looks like a sandwich toaster but it cooks cupcakes!) , cupcake strawberry hand wipes, cupcake plasters tin, Mensa personality questionnaire set, my favourite expensive conditioner and conditioning nail varnish remover, socks, pjs, jelly beans, Lindt chocolates and it just goes on. Nothing particularly expensive, but everything that I would absolutely love. There was lots of lovely food and his house was big and spacious�but it wasn�t our home and everything felt a touch too formal. We hardly ever eat to the table and we had to for every single meal � even snacks!

Lewis was the most disgruntled about it all � probably because of his age and the fact his presents were all house related � but I tried to take it all in my stride. This is what Mum wants her life to be like, and the only times I�m going to see her are probably going to be in that house with her new husband to be � we�re visiting family to her now�so, like I or not, we just have to accept it. The funniest thing of all was when we�d opened everything and Roy and Ma had gone to the kitchen to make breakfast, and Lew sat there staring at his new kettle and toaster with a funny look, then said, �Nah man. We�re having Christmas at mine next year. You can come stay at my flat for the holidays. I�m not having Christmas here again, it�s shit.�

I felt a bit bad for Mum then, despite the fact I think she occasionally forgets she has children, but I understood where he was coming from. We agreed between us that we wouldn�t stay over at Roy�s, but we�d drive over for the day �cause then we wouldn�t have to cook and it would keep Mum happy! It will be so strange my little brother having his own place, but convenient for me to come stay. I don�t really have any desire to stay at Mum and Roy�s � it just doesn�t feel homely to me.

The only other new things about Christmas were Lewis� discovery of Amaretto liquor (which I must get for his birthday), mine of Spiced rum (which I am fast becoming addicted to � also I quite like Gin and orange juice) and we went carol singing on my birthday � which as much as I�d always wanted to try it �cause it just looks so Christmassy, wasn�t as fun as I thought it would be � even with it being on a village green with lanterns. I was just cold, and annoyed that all the songs were religious � Lew flat out refused to sing and just huddled next to me.

We went to see Sherlock Holmes on my birthday, which was super fun �cause I love stuff like that, and then enjoyed yummy coffees (mine was an after eight frappe!!) and cake in the cute caf� downstairs with twinkling candles and mirrors, and a dim interior that made me want to reach for a pen and paper. My Mum also sweetly cooked me my favourite breakfast of Scrambled eggs and salmon that morning � mmm I want some now! Oh, and Howie rung me on my birthday � which probably doesn�t seem like a big deal, but it made me really happy.

So, overall I feel pretty lucky. I got to see some of the rest of the family, I did some nice things and I got some lovely presents. I guess stuff just gets put into perspective sometimes and the annoying things cease to matter as much.

Sarah O is coming to Luke�s birthday bash on Feb 18th which should be super fun � I was starting to worry that I�d be one of the only girls, or that I wouldn�t like the other girls going. We�ll all be so drunk by the end of the night that I�m sure I won�t care, but I haven�t got drunk in a while so I think I can be forgiven. I�ll probably get sloshed at Ma�s wedding on the 9th, and then again the next day �cause I�ve got the Valentine�s Masquerade Ball (and you know I�ll get sloshed at that) and then Lucas�s birthday the Saturday after! I may have to give it up for a while after that though � too much alcohol and my brain cells might start rebelling.

I�ve been reading a lot of books again, which always makes me feel like I�ve done something with my time � right now I�m reading Oscar Wilde�s The Picture of Dorian Gray and when I�m done with it Noodle want�s to watch the movie. I just want to see a sexy Ben Barnes in action. I�ve also adopted a ton of new TV programmes which will probably be hard to keep up with in the coming weeks � but so far my work load is nice and manageable.

As for what I do in my classes: Non-fiction has actually been extremely interesting and we�re interviewing friends to write up profiles on them this week � I did Noodle and I shall write his up with great care this weekend. I�m thinking I can get a really good grade on the creative piece at the end of this module � I just have to give it my all. Poetry is different to how I expected it to be but I may learn to like it � I have all the same tutors for everything so I think that greatly helps and a lot of the same friends from last semester too. American Studies is just as quiet, but also just as interesting. I�ve got to know a few other people in the class and when I missed a lecture this week I suddenly realised that I don�t need to ever stress out about it and allow myself to be guilt tripped. (Usually I painstaking make notes on each of the 60 power point slides and worry I�ll get worse grades) I just did the required reading and went through the power points at home � if I end up needing some of the info then I can just go back and look at what I�ve forgotten to refresh my memory. I�m trying to take an even more relaxed attitude with everything now.

Jonny and I haven�t been majorly peeing each other off; we�ve both simultaneously, yet not planned that way, decided to try harder to be nice to each other and it�s good for now. Sarah is being as odd as ever and I think Bobby�s getting the brunt of it. I just treat her like there�s nothing wrong because I feel like if we pander to her nonsense it�s going to get out of hand. Living together next year should be interesting � I wonder if Bobby will regret letting her and Gary live with us when he�s fast becoming their crutch.

My healthy eating has gone a bit downhill the past few days but I�m blaming that on my time of the month. I did a nice shop at the start of term and that�s always a sure fire way of cheering up my gathering gloom � I�m currently enamoured with my new flowery skirt and my FCUK perfume.

I do, however, have tons of fitness DVDs downloaded, and as soon as I�m over this bought of bloating and cramps I�m going to get started. I�ll alternate between heavy fitness routines, Tai Chi and Yoga. I�m actually rather excited about it, which is always a good sign. I�ve decided to embrace losing weight at a slow pace � I know it will happen and I�m not setting myself deadlines�when have those ever worked for me anyhow?

Oh and how could I forget � I got my first 1st on an assignment � my creative piece rationale to be precise! I was so happy � and I know I may not ever do it again, but I�ve done it once and that�s enough for me! So I passed the first semester with a high 2:1 and I�m pretty confident now that I�ll pass the year with one too. No more worrying about grades - anything above a 60 is great � at the end of the day, when I go for a job and they want to know my degree classification, It�s going to be a 2:1 whether I get all 60�s or all 69�s!

My CRB came back and I�m going to start volunteering at the hospital next week. They�ve given me and Rob their Winter programme leaflet and quizzes to sort out, and I�m kind of looking forward to sitting down and getting it done. Bobby just wants to visit people so he�s giving me the lead on the writing stuff so I get free reign� it�s more my thing than his anyway.

I think that�s all for now. I�m going to get a coke and have a nap before Noodle gets back from his Politics class and wants to make dinner � I�m going to experiment with making my own pizza � should be fun!

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