I feel incredibly frustrated. Frustrated with a variety of people, it�s true, but mostly I�m frustrated with myself.

In some ways I feel like I don�t even know where to begin; why is it always a myriad of things and never a sole problem I�ve got to work my way through?

I�ll start with the most obvious then, and the one that I�m at least starting to find a way to change, if not cope with entirely. Essentially, my weight.

I don�t want to be one of those girls who moans and moans about wanting to be slim and goes out and eats a huge chocolate bar. That�s not who I am. I�ve always verged on the plump side, ever since the age of 13 and I can honestly attribute a lot of my over-eating to stress.

The minute I feel upset or angry, my gut reaction is to over indulge in some way, to try and work around my feelings, and unfortunately for my body, eating unhealthily has been my predominant over-indulgence for over ten years.

I�m trying to stop it. I�m trying to find another way to work through my stress, but it�s so very hard when I am this stressed and upset to focus enough to stop myself. But I�m honestly trying.

I�ve joined the gym with Sarah, and we�re going three times a week to begin with. I�ve bought healthy food and I�m stopping myself from eating nonsense. There�s not a lot more I can do right now, except keep it up and increase it until it starts to work. I just have to have patience in the meantime.

But I�m just so tired of not feeling human. And I realise that sounds absurd to most people, but it�s the only way I know how to describe my feelings for the past few months.

I see pictures of myself and in those pictures there�s nothing of me there. It�s some stranger to me. And it scares me. I know that�s not who I am, but is that who everyone else thinks I am?

I just want to look like I know I�m supposed to look. I want to look like me.

I feel distinctly ugly and gauche every time I look in the mirror. I�m noticing things I�ve never noticed before � how hard it is for me to walk up hills, how much slower I walk and how heavy my breathing can be. How my face isn�t even my face anymore. Any time the words �fat� or �massive� or �obese� are said I feel like I�ve taken a personal hit � why should those words mean anything to me?

I hate it when people comment on what I�m eating or whether I�m exercising, whether it�s good or bad, and I want that feeling to go away. I hate it when people talk about cute boys and me in the same sentence; don�t they realise how much it hurts? Those boys are never going to look at me seriously, they don�t even see me.

Most of all, I hate that even the people I care about don�t sense this about me. Don�t know that I feel close to tears anytime I have to think about what clothes to wear or how I�m going to fit in � fit in while I�m in this shell, this sham of a body.

And I hate that even if they did know, they�d probably do something to scare me right back into it.

But I�m trying; I�m trying to change this hatred I have for my body, by changing my body to how it really should be. It�s not going to be easy, but then nothing that�s truly worth it ever is.

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Now for problem number two. Money. That�s what it always boils down to really. How hopeless I am with it and how I�m worried that I�ll never learn my lesson. I need to sit myself down and work out how I�m going to make more of it, and how I�m going to use it wisely � and I need to find a way to stop thinking about it so much.

Enough is enough really. I need to find full time work for Easter and get rid of everything I�m not using on eBay, and that should be enough to sort everything out.

I�ve severely lacked any form of motivation lately, but it needs to stop. I need to grow up a little and learn to take care of my financial situation.

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Problem number three is slightly more unsolvable at present, or at least it seems that way to me. The problem is my friendship with Rob.

Ever since the end of last semester things have gone down-hill for us. He said he�s now taking meds and wants to distance himself from people because of stress, only �people� turned out to be just me. He even admitted he was taking his anger out on me because we were close. Has he any idea how much that hurt? He pushes me away, and then tries to come back in ludicrous ways that I just don�t have the patience for. I mean, I�m usually pretty easy going, but right now I�m too stressed for the absolute rubbish that�s been coming at me from his direction. He embarrasses me and betrays the sanctity of our friendship, then makes it look like I�m the one who�s all screwy.

The upshot of which is that I now feel like he�s disrespecting my authority by never listening when I say I�ve had enough (the stupidity lately had seriously not been helping my stress and insecurity levels, and it makes me feel inferior to be ignored � I mean, what do I need to do to be taken seriously?), insulting my intelligence by second guessing me all the time (he really does make me feel like I�m an idiot sometimes, and I know I�m not) and betraying my confidence by turning to the one person who turned away from us all in the beginning, and all because he fancies her (he�s all buddy buddy with Claire now, and thinks it�s okay to discuss our problems with her � it�s seriously not okay, and it just makes me sincerely wish he�d fuck off.)

I also don�t know that I want to be friends with someone who does these things, but who also seems to have only a shallow appreciation for women, and who only wants a friendship where the other person doesn�t share their concerns. He makes me feel like the way I�m feeling doesn�t matter, and it�s shattered my trust.

Anyone who�s been reading this for a long time probably knows my trust issues are about as bad as my anxiety issues, never mind my inability to forgive properly, and even though I�m better at trusting and forgiving, and I try not to worry as much, some things are just ingrained; perhaps because of the countless situations just like this one that find ways of tearing me up, piece by piece.

Now I�m just worried that it�s going to impact on my friendship with Luke. I know he doesn�t know how I feel, but any time I try and explain it he makes me feel like I�m being silly � he�s not like me, I know this, and he doesn�t see that there�s a problem. And it hurts.

I don�t want to wake up one day and find Luke is drifting away from me because he thinks I�m some psycho who doesn�t know how to stop being touchy or worrying. I care about our friendship too much to not put up a fight; at least this is what I always tell myself.

But Luke knows me better than anyone else in Winchester, better than many people the world over really. I rely on him to be there � and I rarely rely on anyone properly. He feels like a cross between a brother, a cousin and a best friend, and I�m not saying that to make people think I don�t fancy his handsome ass, because as weird as it is, I actually don�t. I mean�I recognise that Luke is attractive, and I love lots of things about him, but I�ve never felt like I wanted more. Lord knows I�ve read enough rom com style books to recognise that sometimes there isn�t such a thing as a platonic friendship between a guy and a girl, but I have a history of finding amazing friendships with guys, and I think I may have found another one. This one I intend to try and keep for life.

Occasionally I step back and analyse the way I feel (you know I have to analyse pretty much everything anyhow) and the idea of him being with other girls doesn�t bother me (unless it�s Sarah, and the reason for that is rooted in my fear or change � how would things not change dramatically if the two people I felt closest to started dating?!) so, as a rather jealous creature when it comes to someone I�m in love with, I know my feelings don�t sway that way. Plus, the idea of kissing him, never mind anything else, just seems�.weird.

I just desperately don�t want to lose our friendship. But this whole Rob thing is making me look crazy. One part of me accepts we may never be as close friends again, I just wish he�d stop doing things that wind me up at the moment so I could get a little head space.

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Anyhow, problem number four comes in the form of my stupid sense of responsibility for Lewis. And there�s no point people telling me I�m not his mother and it�s okay to live my own life � I get that, and I am, but it doesn�t stop me from getting upset about being away from him.

Ever since we made up at Christmas it�s been just like it used to be, and me and Lewis have always been so close that it feels like we never fell out. I can�t even explain to you how it feels to know that no matter what, there is this unbreakable love between me and my brother and as long as we�re both alive, we�ll always be there for each other.

There really is such a thing as unconditional love.

But now I miss him. Like crazy. And it makes me cry just thinking about it � I feel so overly emotional and ridiculous, but he�s my baby brother and I feel like I�ve left him all alone in the nest.

I just wish I could pick him up and place him in Winchester so I could keep an eye on him. And I know that this is good for him in one sense � he�s going to learn to be responsible, and he is nearly 18 � but I can�t help wanting to make everything easier for him. I want to spend my money making sure he has everything he wants and needs. And I can�t because I�m a poor student.

I know I�ve just got to accept that things are the way they are, and help from a distance, but it just feels so hard right now when I already feel shitty about everything else.

I guess I should just be grateful with the fact we�re back to normal, but my emotional state is a little too fucked up at the moment to fully process that.

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Classes are going fine. I skipped a few too many the past few weeks, but I�ve got it under control and after I�ve done a bit of catching up (hopefully this weekend) I should be right on track again.

I got my last essay from first semester back and I got another first � super proud of that. Now I have a first in Creative Writing and another in American Studies, sort of evens it out nicely.

I�m pretty sure if I find the time to work properly I can stay in the 2:1 to 1:1 range for this semester too. I�ve just got to set my emotions aside when it comes to working.

The same goes for my library work � I�ve skipped a few shifts but I need to make myself be a tad more reliable. Plus, I love hanging out with everyone there so it really shouldn�t be a problem.

We�re planning on having a librarian�s night out some time soon � fancy dress and all. This, at least, I am excited about.

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In other news� me and Luke had a bit of a falling out, which lasted all of half an hour I suppose, when I realised he�d used my laptop to access my diary even though I�d expressly told him to leave it alone and not go looking for it.

He lied to me outright about it at first, but I think when he realised it may have been a big faux pas and I had him cornered, he admitted to it and apologised profusely. I forgave him, which is kind of strange for me, but one part of me can�t find it in myself to be sufficiently angry at him.

It did shake my trust for a little while there, but I know he won�t say anything to anyone about what he�s read, and I highly doubt he�ll decide to come and read it again. Apparently I�m boring and I don�t say anything he didn�t already know�so there�s that.

I�m also realising what an information whore he is. He�s like a curiosity demon � if you give him a whiff he�ll hunt everything down just to satisfy his innate desire to know everything.

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I went to see Howie while I was in Bedford for the wedding (which I will get to in a minute) and it was really good to see him. I worry though, that he�s not entirely happy and he�s put too much stock in getting into the army. And that�s not to say I don�t think he can do it, because I�m pretty sure he will, but I don�t know that it�s ever a good idea to have just one dream.

Maybe I�m just too open to the idea of having options, I don�t know, but I hope he finds something else that makes him equally as happy, whether he gets into the army or not. It�s good to have a lot of things in your life anyhow, and he�s missing a little too much right now. He could do with smiling more.

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And now the wedding�

It was alright as weddings go. The zip on my dress decided to break the morning of the wedding, but I successfully safety pinned it back together and had to forgo wearing a bra when I realised you could see a little too much of it. Apparently you couldn�t tell any different, but Grandma was intent on examining my chest and making me more paranoid than usual.

The guests were pretty much all strangers and I�m never the best at observing proper etiquette (which means, I actually dislike shaking people�s hands, it feels weird to me) but I eventually got round and chatted to a bunch of people. One couple were super nice to me and the woman gave me a hug because I knew where Oregon was (she�s American and apparently loads of people pretend to know where it is and don�t, but I did tell her that in all fairness I�m an American Studies student and I don�t know where all 50 states are, maybe 30 or so.) I had fun chatting with her and her husband anyhow. Plus there were a couple of other women that were super nice to me and I had a right laugh with.

Lewis� girlfriend Casey surprised me by tagging along with me to talk to people and having tequila shots with me later on in the evening � I�ve decided I like her, and it�s not so weird that my brother�s dating anymore.

The ceremony was brief � I stood up and read my poem and everyone congratulated me on reading nicely afterwards (though I think this was mostly because I looked so god damn nervous). The photographer was an ex pap from the Daily Mail and he seemed to take a liking to me, all his photos were done in a casual style, mostly un-posed for, and I�m pretty sure there�s going to be some god awful photos of me floating around when Ma and Roy get back from their honeymoon.

The meal was lovely, and I stole tons of cake, cookies and chocolates off the table for Noodle and Rob. They even had one of those number paper game things where you open the corners to reveal funny things � I got one for me and another for Noodle �cause you know I can�t resist spoiling him. I even took an unopened bottle of wine for him, which got polished off the day I got back.

It was nice to see Anika and the kids, though she was as scatty brained as usual � even more so really � and seemed distinctly odd sometimes. She was very quiet and didn�t seem to want to interact with the other guests, and even went so far as to forget Justin�s suit trousers, buy Elisha five inch heels to wear with her dress and then wore this flimsy cheap dress of her own that was better suited to the local pub. I know it�s not nice to judge your own relatives, but sometimes I seriously wonder what�s going on in her mind.

The step sisters did some sort of bizarre role reversal � Katie, the eldest, was really nice to me and Lewis, whereas Sarah, the youngest, paid us no mind. She actively looked miserable, was seen crying several times, and ignored Mum as much as possible.

One part of me feels for them, but another part just wishes they�d get their act together. Do they think me and Lewis are super thrilled to have Roy as a step dad? He�s not going to be taking a big role in our lives, he�s just Mum�s husband, we accept that and they�ll eventually have to do the same. It�s all done now anyway.

I asked Mum to bring me a boomerang back from Australia, how original am I? I seriously couldn�t think of anything, and Grams was irritating her by asking for stuffed bears and key rings. Ha.

Right, well I have a bunch of other stuff I wanna talk about, especially Sarah and that budding friendship and last night (Luke�s epic birthday bash) but I only managed to catch two hours sleep before my silly 6 ft. 4 friend invaded my bed space, and I have to pick next year�s modules in the morning, so sleep it is!! Ciao diary.

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