The past seven weeks have felt every bit like a rollercoaster. Suddenly I�m not travelling around, sleeping on buses, wandering through strange cities and eating unfamiliar food. I�m not talking to strangers, visiting museums and living day by day.

I�m back in the real world. The world that requires things from me � whether it�s a phone call, an assignment or a bill to be paid. When people talk about a culture shock, I think they don�t realise that it�s most often the return of your own culture that makes you stumble, that disorientates you the most.

England you have me by the throat. I�m only just loosening the grip.

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I�m so happy about my novel idea. I feel like every single day a new part of it creeps up on me, a new line of conversation or a new insight on a setting. It�s beautiful.

I�ve never felt quite so passionate about an idea before. I�ve never loved it like it was a child of mine�but I do. I seriously love this thing�this nameless overflow of ideas and words spilling from my brain.

And I actually think I can do it. I can write this�even if it takes me a year. Or longer. I can write this. I won�t stop until it�s perfect.

I used to worry that I�d never be able to write an actual book. I�d never get past short stories and poems and little bits of memoir here and there. I don�t feel so scared anymore�.I have this little nugget blooming inside me and it�s made of pure gold.

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Things between me and Lucas definitely blew up at the weekend. And even though I know I reacted badly, and I was mean about it all, i�m glad it happened.

For weeks now I�ve felt irrelevant to him. I�ve felt like he was belittling me and ignoring me, and just generally hurting my feelings in a myriad of tiny ways. And that�s not friendship.

When I�m hurt I get angry. When I�m angry I get self-righteous. When I�m self-righteous I�m cutting and explosive. His girlfriend got caught in the cross fire, which made me even angrier, both at him and at me. And I just think we need to give each other space.

It hurt like hell at first. I thought I was losing him as a friend, that I was toxic and I ruined everything. Which is what he basically told me. And a part of me thinks this might be true. I do have an unusual amount of ex-relationships behind me, and all of them have resulted from me keeping things pent up until I explode in disastrous ways. But I�m learning.

I�m not an awful person. I�m not poisonous. I have high expectations and I�m unfortunately sensitive. But the people that count are still there for me. And I�m learning.

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On the home front things are looking good.

Sarah isn�t around as much so her arrogant comments are less frequent, and when they do show up I can ignore them�mostly. I just have to remind myself that she�s young and insecure�and she just doesn�t know the effect she has on people.

Plus, Lauren and I are getting along fine. The wandering around and following thing has gradually stopped and we�ve reached a nice harmony.

Everything�s sort of settled and comfortable, despite mine and Luke�s major argument.

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Mum came to visit me for the day yesterday and it was really nice. I rarely get time alone with my Mum, and as selfish as it is, I enjoyed telling her all about my life � my writing and my course and just everything. I enjoyed having her undivided attention.

We had lunch at a quaint pub in town, wandered around the shops and picked up cakes from the bakery before coming back home to have them with tea. She even read some of my writing � saying I was becoming too academic for her, and we talked about the election!

It was nice. Really nice.

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Work is really great at the moment. I think when I first came back I felt bored and lacking in challenges, which made me want a new job, but I don�t care about that anymore. The uni work and novel writing is more than enough of a challenge. Anything more and I�ll be overly intellectually stimulated!

The repetitiveness of shelving books is perfect. The girls I work with are amazing and I get first dibs at research books. If I have a wait between class and work I just research and the time slinks by without me even realising it. I couldn�t be happier, honestly.

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In other news:
Lewis is moving in with the step sisters to save money � a little weird but will hopefully work out. Roy is having his operation on the 26th of this month � fingers crossed for them. Rob still has me proof reading his essays � actually really nice, makes me still feel needed, if that makes sense. Mum has a tattoo � quite a shock to the system, but all about Roy and his impending death. And I have a painful little red bump on my breast that is freaking the fuck out of me and I know I should really really really go to the doctors as a precaution but I don�t want to � if it�s nothing I�ll feel stupid, if it�s something I don�t want to know about it. And there was me worried about my first smear test that I have also yet to book � I�m a model of sensible behaviour, as you can see.

I have 60 pages on Taxidermy to read, of all things, so more on this shiz later.

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