Especially after i have a particularly hyperbole sort of day. One filled with smiles, laughs and incessant chatter.

Opening my eyes, i feel this god awful hollow feeling.

A sort of unbareable sadness.

And i just don't really know what to do to change that.

Because i am already doing things to change my happiness.

I'm going to college. I'm paying off my debts. I'm organising my gym membership. I'm meeting new people and making new friends and i've been making more of an effort with the people already in my life. I've even started reading properly again.

So how do i stop that feeling from making me doubt myself and my future?

I've already turned into an emotional hormonal wreck and i'm pretty sure there's no going back from it.

I used to only cry when watching the programs full of characters i love.

Now, no matter what i'm watching, or reading, or even thinking about...if it's tragic, tears spring right to my eyes.

I don't know whether that's because i'm getting older or something, but i'm inclined to think it might be a by-product from the years of repressing my tears.

I never used to cry you see. Especially when things were really bad for me. I'd hold it all in, trying not to let it consume me.

I feel like such a sap.

I'd just really like to wake up looking forward to the day.

Not with a giant shadow hanging over me.

........................................

Besides my strange mood climate, things seem to be going okay.

I say okay, not great, because i'm still a little unsure that i'm going to get these shift swaps at work, and they've made it pretty clear at the college that we can't be late or absent.

The induction day was alright really. The class isn't too big, and they all seem like nice enough people, definately a variety of people anyway.

I made a couple of friends...though a few of them aren't on my course. One dude is, Jamie, and he's pretty cool, so at least i know i've got one nice person to work with in class.

The day finished up early which meant i didn't have to miss anything before running off to work, and we all seem to have a running sock joke now, because me and two of the dudes don't ever wear normal socks. They think we should form a club :-)

I know my way around a little at least. And i have a better understanding of what's to be expected from us. But it will take hearing from the individual class teachers to find out what were going to be working on.

Our personal tutor, who we have tutorial with each week, is Martin Butcher. And he seems nice enough, pretty strict but approachable.

He's the person who will be writing out university references.

He's also the Sociology teacher, and he told us that we don't have class after our third term and will instead being doing an independant research project in our chosen subject, which for me will be English.

But at least that means i won't have to worry about so many swaps by then.

The crux of it all is, we're trying to squish our Alevels (the equivilent of) into eight months. They expect us to be finished by May.

Which sounds like a hell of a lot of hard work to me. Especially when i have my brother and cousin moaning about how much harder it is for them, and they have two years!

But, hell, I'm going to try my hardest and just see where it leads.

This is probably one of those times i should at least be slightly grateful that my job has made having a social life so hard. I won't miss it so much when it becomes all but non existant.

........................................

Work's the same as always. At least they've been trying to help me out...some of the time.

I've been told that purchasing extra annual leave is for managers only. Unpaid leave is a no go - special circumstances only...and apparently i don't fall under those.

Monday's and Tuesday's shifts i'm swapping with Jacky, who does part time in the mornings. Aslong as i can get her early shifts she's okay with that.

Thursday's i'll need to swap with the late turn.

But Wednesday's and Friday's still hang in the balance. I've met the roster clerk and she seems nice enough. I've written her a letter and sent her an email.

I just won't feel reassured about all this until she's got me some shifts that mean i can attend my course.

Which so far, she hasn't done.

I'm probably just panicking over nothing. But i really need to be certain i can do this.

........................................

My landlord is moving to Kenya to work so has had to put the rent up a little bit. But it's manageable so i won't complain.

I think it's an amazing opportunity so i can't begrudge someone for wanting to do that.

........................................

I've just finished reading Cassandra Clare's Clockwork Angel, which was awesome.

I'm definately liking the dark Victorian London setting...and i'm just as torn as Jess is between the devilishly beautiful obnoxious Will and the sweet handsome sickly Jem.

I can't wait for her to release the next two books in that series. But mostly, i'm so excited to read the next three in the Mortal Instruments series.

I'm just scared that Jace and Clary won't end up together in the end. I hate sad endings.

Those two not being together would be a tradgedy. And we all know how i get with tradgedies.

I'm going to start reading the Hunger Games last book today, Mockingjay. All i can say is, Katniss had better end up with one or the other of those fine male specimens or i'm taking another reading hiatus.

........................................

I've been talking to Smithy alot again lately.

But then again, he is really easy to talk to, and aside from pinging elastic bands at each other and stealing each others food, we get along pretty fricking well.

He enjoys taking the mick out of me though.

Like when he has to remind me that i need to go to the toilet. Or that i have coffee sitting next to me that's about to freeze over. Or that i'm supposed to be on my break. Or there's a customer at my window, while i sit there staring into space.

We share a somewhat common taste in music, though granted he does enjoy dance a lot more than me.

And we share a lot of the same attitudes to life. Which puts us in fits of giggles most shifts.

But, overall, it's nice to have someone to share your food and music with. It's even nicer to have someone to share your thoughts with.

Thank god i'm working with him all this week and not the she monster Sam.

Though if he drinks anymore of my mint aero hot chocolate i'm going to demand more sausage sandwiches at weekends.

........................................

Saw Farish yesterday too. Just long enough for him to steal my yellow wine gums.

I don't feel connected to him anymore though.

He still makes me smile. But he's just not the kind of man i thought he was.

And honestly, i don't miss having sex with him, even if he is rogueishly handsome.

He's just not that good. Of a person that is.

........................................

In other news...

My brother fell off his bike.

Which normally wouldn't have me too worried, but considering it was because whilst he was cycling down a hill, quite fast i might add, and some eejit opened his car door without looking, so Lew rode straight into it and flipped over the door.

I worried a leeetle bit.

Thankfully he just had a little scraped arm and nothing else.

But it could have been so much worse.

At least the dude had the decency to take him home after that.

And my Ma's broken up with her boyfriend...the one she's supposed to be moving it with.

But has neglected to tell me and my Grams yet.

Thank the lord for loyal little brothers eh.

I feel quite sorry for him really.

And guilty too. Guilty of not being nicer while i had the chance. Not that i was ever anything less than polite.

I just feel like i should have made more of an effort.

I don't like how my Ma treated him and my stupid guilt complex is coming into play.

I mean, she broke up with him through a text message. A fricking TEXT MESSAGE.

That's just inexcusable. Not once has she had the decency to break up with someone to their face.

Get some balls! You know what i mean...

But seriously...it's cowardly.

And now my brother tells me she's talking about getting back with her ex.

And suddenly it all makes sense.

My Ma can't be on her own. She always has someone else lined up. She's always looking for ways out and onto something better.

She didn't leave my step dad until she was sure Phil had affections for her.

And she ended a seventeen year marriage by leaving him a note and disappearing.

And she didn't leave Phil until she had Steve lined up.

Then she sent him an email.

It's pathetic.

And one of the many reasons i'm not at all like my Mum.

Breaking up with someone is heart breaking. I hate having to do it, but at least i sit down and talk to them. At least i try to do the right thing.

She's just not the person i always thought she was.

Independant. Yes. Cold and efficient. Yes. Strong? No. Not in the slightest.

I think it's time to accept that. And move on from it.

Me and her are chalk and cheese. I love her because she's my Mum.

But we're never going to do those mother daughter things i've always wanted to do.

The relationship we have will just have to suffice.

Maybe. One day. If i ever get married...i might have that kind of relationship with my mother in law.

Maybe.

........................................

I have a ton more to say but my laptop keeps freezing and i'd really like to get a little reading done before work.

So adios for now. Maybe i'll write later if i'm not too tired.

And, as a reminder to myself, i must get my personal statement drafted out this Sunday. I really must.

Even if my stupid temperamental mind has fixed it sights on St Andrew's.

Whatever i'm going to do. Wherever i'm going to go. I need that personal statement ready.

I can squeeze in watching Resident Evil 3D with Lew, talking to Howie and spending some time with Grams.

But really, this is very very important!