Okay so, good news? I love college.

I seriously do.

The quiet one at the back of the class avoiding catching the teacher's eye and especially not answering any questions, even when she knows the right answer?

No longer me!!

First lesson was Maths, and i'm not too bad with maths really, but i wasn't expecting to be the best in the class...at percentages at any rate.

I answered questions, without any prompting. I finished every question before anyone else and i always got them right.

It was freaky.

One other guy, Jose, always finished a minute or so after me, and we kept catching each others eye and grinning.

Sort of like a mutual geek respect thing.

Mwaahaha.

And the people at my table (Jamie, Elizabeth, Tivvy & Nicola - just for the record) were all asking me to check they're work and help them out.

They trusted me to help them. They trusted in my intelligence more than i ever have.

But seriously. This is just so far from who i was at school that it's still a sort of shock to the system.

But i'm kind of proud of myself, you know.

To have grown up and gained some confidence and to have managed to talk in front of strangers, even when i'm unsure of my answers.

I was always the chatty one, aslong as it wasn't about the class.

The one who managed to distract other people with her silly ramblings.

Who hardly ever paid attention and definately didn't want to be in class, never mind do homework.

The one who just about managed to pass at the end of each year through some crazy twist of fate.

And now i'm excited about going to classes. I'm listening...avidly.

I'm starting my homework the day i get it and i'm worrying about how i'm going to manage to get distinctions in all my classes.

It's just so far from who i used to be i could pinch myself.

But i'm not going to. I like college. I like learning.

And that's okay by me.

And to top that all off...i'm making friends.

All the people in my class are turning out to be great.

Today we had Psychology, which was really interesting, to say the least.

I found myself surrounded by the lads...which was a sort of trip down memory lane.

I've always been better friends with guys. They're just so much easier to get along with.

No drama. Plenty of laughs. No expecting me to be all girly and hug all the time.

I had Chris, Mark & the ex army lad on one side, and Jamie, wheel chair guy and south african rugby dude on the other side of me.

I suppose i should make more of an effort to remember peoples names, but with my memory it will just have to come with time.

I think the great thing about us constantly moving rooms due to having a wheelchair user in the class, is that you don't quite know who you're going to be sitting with, so you have a chance to get to know everyone in their turn.

Jamie walks with me to the station now, so it's nice to not be on my own right after classes are out.

I'm going to stay later on Thursday to get my first assignment done and dusted before we get loaded down with some more.

But no matter how much work i get and even if i begin to flounder in a subject, i'll still love that i'm doing this.

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In other news that isn't so happy, but is entirely related to the above happy news...

I'm going to have to get myself signed off work by a doctor for a few months.

I won't lie to them. But i'm going to have to be more honest than i've ever been before with any stranger.

And i guess that it might be nice to have some space from work and everyone i know in the long run. And maybe even see a counsellor to get over some of my stupid ass issues.

I don't really have much of a choice.

It's either i do that, or i quit college and stay in my sucky job for the rest of eternity.

I'd rather suck in my pride and get some time off work to focus on my studying...and i guess to heal any parts of me that can be mended after all this time.

I want to be a better version of me and this is just one more step along that road.

One part of me wonders if i'm wrong for doing this.

For taking time away from work when i'm more than able to do my job.

But it's about time i started this healing process the proper way.

It's time to grow up and face the inner demons. God that sounds so cliche.

But so true.

I'm ready to completely change. Everything. Bit by bit.

Afew months of dieting, studying and therapy ought to make me more like me (whoever that is) than anything i've attempted in the past few years.

So, for those reasons, i refuse to feel bad for the company i work for.

I've tried everything i can think of and this was my last resort.

Maybe they should treat their staff better.

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Ummm....more news!

Lewis has a job :-)

He works in Primark in town at the weekends. On the tills.

He seems to like it well enough. It's good that he's getting his first experience of work though, no matter what.

And he'l make friends too, which is great for him.

He's enjoying sixth form at the minute, despite all the hard work and making plenty of friends there too.

So i'm proud of him, and so happy for him.

We're all moving in the right direction. No matter how long it's taken some of us to get there.

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I haven't stopped reading. Even though i thought i might, from all the woe that book contained. I haven't.

It's too important to let my emotions get in the way.

At some point i've got to learn to feel them. Properly feel them.

So i've picked another book that's sort of sad...but could possibly have a happy ending in the third book of the trilogy. Only i'll have to wait for that to be released.

So it could be sort of stupid...reading something else that's bound to make me weep.

But i've got to get stronger somehow.

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Ummm...what else is new.

Did i talk about how amazing the Muse concert was? With the streamers and huge balloons and acrobatics from the spaceship?

I don't know if i did. But i was essentially amazing. I got to hear all my favourites and more.

The atmosphere at a place like Wembley is astounding. It's just so...electric.

I'm going to cancel Linkin Park. I could use the money and i'll get another chance to see them in the future. I'm sure of it. Hopefully with someone that likes them just as much as me.

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Storm's sold. Not that it matters now they aren't moving house.

I think Lewis is pretty fucked off about that.

But what can you do?

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I ordered my new laptop on sunday, with help from my Ma of course.

Now i've just got to wait for Dell to build it to my specifications and i'll be all set to go!!

I even got facial recognition software and a lojack on it. Talk about security!

I'm just so excited to get it.

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Thinking of Universities. I think i was pretty narrow minded by thinking that King's was the only place i should apply to.

Either that or i hit the extreme when it comes to being temperamental.

But St Andrew's is now my first choice...and i'm adding Kent to that list too.

So that's four universities i'd like to go to, for four seperate reasons.

I just need to pick two more and i'm all set.

King's is awesome. Thai on Fleet Street with Rosie was awesome.

But so are so many other places and courses and memories yet to be made.

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So i love the colder weather we've been having lately. So much.

I'm going to be dragging my scarves and gloves out of their summer hiding place soon.

Only thing i'm not looking forward to is de-icing my car...but what the hell, i'll get used to it.

I find this weather more inspiring too. It's easier to think so it's easier to write.

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Oh i just remembered something totally random that i did.

I gave away my tube ticket last time i was in London.

I actually waited around Finchley Road station for someone who looked like they needed it and gave it away.

I felt abit stupid at the time.

But it was nice to do something good for someone else.

Even if it was something tiny. It all counts in the grand scheme of things right?

Like when you give away your pennies at the counter...they all add up at some point.

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I redid my personality test again and got INTP.

So i'm resolved to think i'm a cross between INTP and INTJ seen as i keep drifting between the two.

Maybe, this time next year, i'll redo the test and see if i've made any significant changes to who i am.

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Me, Ma & Lew were driving back from the cinema last week and started having a discussion about the calories in our milkshakes.

The label said 79kcal per 100ml and the bottle was 500ml.

So i worked it out as 79x10=7902=395

My Ma did 79 rounded to 80x5=400-5=395

Lew did 100x5=500-20x5=400-5x1=395

And i just thought...how odd is it that we all work our sums out completely differently?

It just shows how strangely our minds work. How much can vary, even in people that lived together for years and years.

I still think mine made the most sense. But then i would wouldn't i.

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Aside from this, i had one other strange thought this week.

And i haven't quite worked out how i feel about it yet.

I've always sort of had magpie tendancies...

I pick things up and take them without knowing i'm doing it.

It's like my mind spots the most interesting little thing in the room and i make a beeline for it...and sometimes i end up with pockets full of bits and peices that don't belong to me.

It doesn't always happen. Generally when i'm at my most relaxed.

And i've come to realise that i don't always veiw thievery as wrong.

I mean, essentally i know it's wrong, and there's a lot i wouldn't do.

But i have stolen before.

I used to take money from my Ma's purse a lot when i was a teenager. Especially when i was mad at her.

I used to steal my Grams nicest food. The stuff she hid to try and save.

And i distinctly remember filling a gift bag full with makeup from Boots and walking out of the store with it when i was about 15.

Not to mention the time i filled a bag with pick a mix sweets in Woolworths and then proceeded to hide it underneath my brother in his buggy and then claimed it was him when the stash was found...i was 8.

And i steal stamps from the draw if they get left by people at the station...

I mean, some of it sounds harmless, but it's still stealing.

And something they said in my Psychology class sort of stuck with me.

The idea that personality traits are hereditary.

So now i'm wondering...am i more like my father than i realised?

Do i steal because he steals?

And...why am i not more disgusted with the idea?

Does my Mum see this and dislike me because of it?

Will i do something awful and end up in prison like him because his personality traits might be catching?