How i'm feeling...what i'm thinking, that's making me feel what i'm feeling.

Because one doesn't come without the other for me.

Whether that makes me callous or not.

I can honestly say i had a nice birthday and christmas.

Not 100% of the time. But if you weigh the good against the bad, then the good won.

There were some sweet moments.

When Ma pulled Lewis and me in for a long group hug in the kitchen.

When Ma, Lew and me sat around watching Harry Brown and Frozen, shouting the same things at the screen, munching cookies i'd baked.

When Ma made my favourite breakfast on my birthday and brought it to me in bed, and i didn't even know she knew it; Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon on toast.

When me and Lew kept saying the exact same thing to our cousin Adam without meaning to, then cracking up laughing.

When i read the messages in some of my birthday cards:

Like Becky's saying 'i hope you have a fantabulous birthday, one as fantabulous as you!' and Lorna's saying 'I hope you have an amazing birthday, you deserve it darlin', with our love ALWAYS and FOREVER'.

Is it so ridiculous, that for the first time this year, even though i got some amazing presents and i loved recieving each and every one of them; it was the emotional connections i valued above everything else?

I know i'm a fairly materialistic person sometimes. I love luxury, comfort and choice.

But the sweet messages and the hugs and just feeling like people cared.

That's what made it nice.

And all of a sudden, it just felt easier to say i love you. To say honey and sweets and sugar.

I don't understand why i was struggling to show any sort of affection before.

And that's not to say i'm cured of it, because i still feel a little funny about it all, but it rolls of the tongue instead of getting stuck in my throat now.

That's gotta be some sort of progress.

That i'm not as afraid to show that i care about people.

And at the same time, though so many people wished me a happy birthday and managed to make me feel loved, there were some who didn't.

Some who showed me just how little they did care.

Like Lynn and Amber.

Lynn hasn't replied to any of my calls or texts, and after leaving her present in the station and posting her card, i haven't heard a single thing from her.

I was upset at first. Once upon a time we were best friends.

But then i realised that i didn't need to have people like her in my life.

That they just weren't worth it. Why should i let them dictate my happiness?

I sent her a text, so much more pleasant than the vitriol that usually would have accompanied that level of hurt.

I just said i was disappointed that she was no different to the rest of them and i fully admitted i was wrong about her. That i wished she had everything she wanted in life, and not in the material sense, and wished her luck for the future.

My sister realised about half 11 at night that it was my birthday and sent me a small message on facebook.

Then when i text her on christmas day, for the third year in a row she text me back saying 'Who's this?'..when i said Rachael...i got back, 'Rachel who?'.

I didn't respond. I refuse to play her stupid ass games.

If she can't be bothered to be a decent human being, then i can't be bothered to pretend i know her.

She's lumped herself in with the rest of that side of the family. None of them really know anything about me, other than the facts they glean from my facebook.

They don't even have the common decency to try and spell my name right...not once have they done it.

Let them think what they want. They're the family i didn't choose. They're the family that's bound only by blood.

And i don't think blood is always thicker than water.

Why should i let anyone dictate my happiness at all?

I can choose to live just for myself. That doesn't take away my capacity to love other people.

But i choose to be happy and i choose to be sad.

I'm not offering out chances like i'm at a candy store anymore. If people want to be in my life then they put in the effort that i do.

And the funniest thing about all this, is that even though i was hurt and angry at first.

I calmed down pretty quickly. And i realised they weren't worth it. They actually weren't.

I'm not saying the friends i've made recently are always going to be there.

Because lord knows, with my track history, they could be gone from next week.

But there are some people i know will always be there, and that's enough for me.

I'll always have someone i can rely on.

And those people are the family i choose.

They're bound by more than blood. By my blood and my heart. And sometimes, just my heart.

But yeah. I definately feel a bit peculiar.

Or maybe i'm just noticing my slowly shifting attitudes a lot more because of the lack of activity.

I'm happy though.

Like the mist is rising, slowly but surely, and suddenly the way forward is so much clearer.

Past obstructions turning into vapours when i confront them.

The future ones appearing in such clarity, that i find myself able to take them apart piece by piece.

Until it's just me and the path.

Me and the future.

.......................................

So...none of my benefits have come through yet.

But i'm not too worried.

I've tried emailing the letting agents several times, explaining to them that it can't go through until they send the letting agreement through to the council.

So far they've ignored me.

I emailed Zowie explaining that she'd have to put the rent through without mine, and that i was sorting it out with the letting agents.

I sort of felt bad doing it to her.

I don't really know why.

I just don't want her to think i'm some flake or that i'm going to bail on paying rent in the future.

Too proud a person for that.

I do need to put some money in her account to cover the bills though, so if i haven't recieved any of the benefits in time then i'll borrow the money for those from Ma on the 31st.

Just for the bills though. Maybe the rent if it looks like Ma can afford it.

Less hassle that way.

Then i can pay her back when i recieve the benefits and i won't be late in paying anything.

I guess my eternal optimism comes into play here.

I always know there's a way around things, or a path to take to sort things out. To improve them.

Using logic and reason always leads to an answer.

It will be nice to get home tomorrow.

I'm going to let my OCD take control for the day; every cupboard and shelf of mine is being emptied and re-organised.

I'll polish and hoover and put all my presents away neatly.

All my washing and drying will get sorted and i'll do a small food shop.

Then, when i've finished making everything perfect, i'll finally take pictures of things i don't want and get them put on ebay.

No doubt i'll need the money some time soon, especially as i need to buy a new camera before my class starts.

Then, on Thursday, it's time to start doing some college work.

I've worked out previously that i don't work particularly well unless my deadline is looming.

So five full days before i'm back at college ought to do it.

I'll tackle my presentation first, then the History assignment.

Once those two are out of the way, i'll make a start on Sociology and then Psychology.

I'm hoping to have it all done before the first week of college is out.

By the 7th.

Then i'm going to read The Great Gatsby from scratch, watch the movie right through and listen to the audio book; before i tackle the assignment for English.

Then i won't have any assignments to worry about for a while, because they'll need to teach us the next steps.

I've nearly finished Atlas Shrugged, and when i have i'll read the rest of The Help, The Philosopher and the Wolf, and of course, Animal Farm.

After that, although there are so many books i want to start reading, Great Expectations has to be first.

I'm not lying about anything ever again, because even though this was a small lie, saying i'd read it on my university application, it was still a lie.

And the moment you start to lie to someone, all the power is in their hands.

You hand yourself over to them. You're at their mercy.

I'm not doing it again.

.......................................

I was on amazon searching for new music, when i came across a load of books i'd love to read.

So not only have i got approximately 40 books waiting to be read at home, outside of my college books that is.

And not only did i recieve a further five books at christmas.

The Raven and other poems by Edgar Allen Poe; from Becky - it's a beautiful hard back edition - girl knows me too well.

and..

Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead, George Orwell - 1984, Anthony Burgess - A Clockwork Orange & Joseph Heller - Catch 22; from Nika.

Now i've found another 10 i'm itching to get at.

Aldous Huxley - Island
Aldous Huxley - Brave New World
Yevgeny Zamyatin - We
Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse 5
Kurt Vonnegut - Cat's Cradle
Kurt Vonnegut - Breakfast of Champions
Kurt Vonnegut - Timequake
Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451
Ernest Hemingway - The Sun Also Rises
Virginia Woolf - To The Lighthouse

And there's another 15 or so on my amazon wish list, including Ayn Rand's Anthem.

This is also ignoring the 15 or so i have on amazon pre order.

At this rate, i'm going to die with a book in my hand.

There are worse things to think of i'm sure.

.......................................

I didn't end up getting a tattoo on my birthday.

I was all set to, even ringing the tattoo place up to reserve a slot which they told us i wouldn't need, but when i got there they said they were all booked up.

They didn't even apologise. Crap customer service or what.

The other place, where i got my first tattoo, was closed until the 3rd Jan.

So looks like it'l have to wait until i'm back home.

I think i'm just going to get my wrist one sorted out, seen as it seems to bother me so much.

I also want to get the inner part of my right ear pierced, but at a different angle to the left ear.

.......................................

I went to see the new Narnia movie with Adam on monday.

I hadn't realised it before, probably because when i read C.S.Lewis' books i was a child...and i've been too enraptured with Ben Barnes to take note of anything else more recently.

But...these movies...these books...are all about faith and religion.

How is it i didn't see this before?

Half way through the movie i just clicked.

I was like...oh shit...Aslan is God and Aslan's country is Heaven.

It was nice to finally understand it all.

But, unlike how i may have reacted previously to religion, it didn't take away any of the love i have for them.

If anything, it made me appreciate them all the more.

The fact that he'd subtlely incorperated his beliefs into his works of literature just made me admire him even more.

.......................................

On my birthday i ended up crying.

Even though i'd sworn to myself i wouldn't.

I know it sounds a bit pitiful.

I even half laughed at myself for allowing myself to get so riled up by petty people.

But, it was nice to cry and release the pent up emotions i was obviously harbouring.

My aunt and Grandma (two nonsensical peas in a pod) just wouldn't leave me alone.

They wanted to watch frickin' stupid ass soaps all arvo and then proceeded to put some shitty movie on, one they knew i wasn't interested in.

And god forbid i had the audacity to ask to watch something i'd like, considering it was my birthday and all.

They wouldn't shut up about it.

It was grating on my last nerve.

I guess i needed some space of my own, but because it wasn't home anymore, i didn't have anywhere to escape to.

And i was overwhelmed with how selfishly they were behaving.

I wouldn't cry in front of anyone, as is my way, so i pulled on my boots and grabbed my scarf, hat and gloves and stomped off to the park.

The absolutely freezing snow covered park...in the dark.

It was so quiet.

I just sat on the swing, scuffing my boots on the snow.

After a while i decided to ring Anika.

She was really sweet and told me that they we're idiots and not to let myself get upset by it.

It helped, talking to her.

Then Howie rang me back, obviously seeing my missed call.

And even though the ninny forgot it was my birthday, i wasn't upset about it.

It was nice to know he missed me.

I definately miss talking to him.

My level headed friend.

I calmed down considerably and decided to go back home and watch a movie with Lew.

I don't know what it is about my birthday.

But everyone starts to make me hate it. Purely because of when it is.

And i wish it didn't happen because i love it, and i love christmas.

I just know that something's got to be done differently next year, and every year after that.

Until a time when i have my own children and can make it special for them.

I honestly feel like going away every christmas now.

I love all of my family, i really really do.

But it just doesn't seem to work when we're all together.

I get suffocated. And not in the emotionally claustrophobic way.

In an 'i love my family but i don't like a lot of them, so this is just too much for too long a period of time' kind of way.

My perfect birthday and christmas would be spent somewhere like Svalbard.

Going to see polar bears and the Northern lights....that would be uber amazing.

I don't think it's just me that feels this way either.

I guess the problem is, that we're all so very different and we all have different conceptions of what's good and bad. What's fun and boring.

Someone is always bound to be disappointed.

Usually it's me.

Ma told Mandy and Grams that she wasn't hosting Christmas again.

I thought it was fair enough. I'm 24 and she's been hosting it for everyone ever since i was born.

It's not like she even has the biggest house anymore.

Mandy's is the same size and Nika's is bigger.

Neither of them has ever volunteered to have us over.

Mandy didn't take it too well though. Started rambling on about how her and Nika would have Christmas at Grams next year.

Totally excluding Ma.

I thought it was entirely selfish and idiotic of them.

And i said so. I told them that if that was their attitude then i wouldn't be a part of any christmas that they were.

I've just had enough of pettiness and selfishness.

I'm sure that if Ma is with Roy next christmas then they'll be together.

I just don't know what it is that i want to do.

I really don't.

But i'm determined to figure it out.

.......................................

Ma's fella Roy is really nice though.

Good step-father material.

He'd put itunes vouchers in the two of our christmas cards.

I spent mine on audio books.

I suddenly thought that it might be a fab way to read more, if i was to listen to the books when i'm at the gym.

I've always found that when i listen to music my mind runs away with itself and although my body's in the gym, my mind is god knows where.

It's not like i don't spend enough time in my own head either.

This way i'm educating and enjoying myself, whilst getting fit.

Go me.

I bought:

Leo Tolstoy - Anna Karenina & War and Peace
Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby
Dickens - The Old Curiosity Shop
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman - Good Omens

Anna Karenina will help me with the long book club read of it i'm going to have soon, and Gatsby helps with my english assignment.

War and Peace would be a bitch to read ordinarily - this is sort of a cheat.

The Old Curiousity Shop is just for fun - same for Good Omens, a lady in Waterstones recommended it to me so i thought, why not?

It's nice to have a plan!

.......................................

I'm dreading the amount of post i may have when i get home.

Most likely bills, or something equally irritating.

But i'm getting myself super organised again so i won't worry about it too much.

I think my grey beanie hat will be there from Next though, it will match the grey accessorize scarf my Grams got me.

Hmmm...presents.

I love all my presents. Deeply.

I got my paperback perfume, it smells yummy.

Maybe i'll just post a picture of them all together so i don't have to run through some crazy list.

That's another plan.

Woo hoo.

So i've sat here for ages writing this, trying to find the right words.

I think i'm all written out.

Maybe i'll be back later when i remember something else.

Ciao for now.

Oh and i looooove my cowboy boots. They kick ass.

I've been living in my two pairs of skinny jeans and my two pairs of boots these past few days.

Maybe i should consider buying some more.

Oh and i think i have more in common with Ma than i originally thought. We're both 6's in numerology. 6 day and 6 life. That's got to mean something...right?