Whoop Whoop.

I have this irresistible spring cleaning urge today.

I feel like going through every single box in my room and debating its contents usefulness. I also feel like spotlessly cleaning everything, and reorganising things into different categories.

You know, like paint brushes next to sketching pencils, tarot cards next to rune stones, sealing wax next to seals...you get the idea.

I keep trying to diminish the sheer volume of things in my room; knowing full well i'm going to have a hard time squishing it all in to university accommodation. It just never seems to work quite how i expected.

I rang Grams this morning, knowing she loves her mornin' chats and everything. She told me one of her best friends is dying. I feel bad for her; what do you say to that kind of thing?

Glen is a sweet old lady. When i had my car i used to take her and Grams shopping or to lunch. I even bought her a Christmas present one year. I have a weakness for buying people gifts.

It's sad that she's not going to make it, but i guess that's life, right? At least she lived for a really long time and she had a good life. That's what people always say, isn't it, in this sort of situation.

She's just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but its spread really quickly; in essence, it is better that she goes now before the real pain starts. That's what i think anyhow.

Grams will be okay. And I�ll be okay so long as she's still around. But i accept the fact that the older people get, the closer their death day is approaching.

Death is a sad thing, but it can't be ignored.

It's sort of a reoccurring theme right now, which sounds entirely morbid, but really isn't.

Grams and I were talking about Great Grandmother's death recently.

I remember that i was angry at first, so so angry; that she'd decided to starve herself so that she'd pass away. I couldn't understand how someone could give up on life so quickly. I was also fuming that she refused to let us visit - only she wanted all my memories to be happy ones, and she succeeded.

Thinking about it properly now, that's why she gave me my 16th birthday present early. She knew she wasn't going to hold on to her life in the same way i would.

She loved my Great Grandfather with all of her heart; after he died she didn't ever look at another man. She just wanted to be with him. I should have listened to her when she said that.

I think death for her, was like coming home after a really long vacation.

But all i could think about was how happy she made me. All i could think about was the little girl i used to be and how alone she made me feel by being gone.

The little girl who used to dress up in her furs, pearls and heels and parade around her apartment. The little girl who sat crossed legged on the floor with the draw full of ancestor�s photos and listened to the stories behind them all.

The little girl who drank lime juice and ate little fancy cakes up at the table. The little girl who spent her pocket money in charity shops because that made her Great Grandmother happy.

The little girl who skipped along the local beach collecting shells and leaving them in her lap. The little girl who ran around in the park outside and waved up at the window, knowing she was watching.

The little girl she called �her darling�. The little girl she loved and cherished and completely understood.

She was the Grandmother out of story books, the comforting presence whose existence you doubt unless they've somehow touched your life.

I was angry that she left me with everyone else. That's what always happens after a death isn't it...someone is always angry.

But maybe sometimes you can't think beyond your own grief. Sometimes you're so selfish you fail to see the bigger picture. I was selfish.

She was my first taste of death. My first funeral. There were two more after her, but none affected me like hers did.

I went off the rails; i was already slipping, this just pushed me that little bit further. But it really wasn't her fault.

How can i deny her what she really wanted? How can i blame her for seeking her own happiness?

I'm still that little girl and she's still my doting Great Grandmother. Only i'm grown up now and i can only see her in my memories. And she's with the man she loves in heaven.

I believe that's where she is, even if i don't believe it exists. Because she knew it did, she didn't just think it did, she told me she knew.

And she was such a beautiful person, if such a place existed, how could she possibly not be there?

And i have my star. I'll always have my star.

Wouldn't it be amazing if i went to the Observatory in Hampshire, the same place she lived, and saw that star for the first time?

I think I�d cry.

When i pass my course and i get my degree in that cathedral, you know what'll be running through my mind?

Not 'I did it!'...no. I'll be thinking 'I did it in her name in her County. She was a Richardson and so am i. She loved Hampshire and so do i.'

That's what I�ll be thinking.

And i hope that one day i find someone to love like she did. Someone I�d leave this life behind for. Someone who makes me blind to everyone and everything else when the end is near.

She's my inspiration, and she's my hope.

If i'm half the woman she was, then I�ll die happily too.