I have forty five minutes before my job seekers interview and I�m bricking it. I really don�t want to go. I feel like a fraud, which technically I am; but I also realise I have to do this in order to survive financially over the next month.

My rent is late, as are my utility bill payments, and I�ve been avoiding Zowie like the plague at home. Not because she�s being funny with me, but because I feel indebted to her for being so okay over all of this � I hate feeling indebted. Seriously.

I�m in the LRC and Warren won�t stop speaking to me. It�s rather frustrating trying to concentrate when someone won�t stop yapping, but this is nothing new.

I�m skipping college tomorrow, and not out of laziness or anything like that, but because we have a mock exam which frankly I find rather pointless and I haven�t had the time to revise so I know I�ll do badly.

I still haven�t done my Psychology exam and this weekend looks set to be a super busy one when it comes to college work. At least this will all be over soon and I can relax.

I did, however, get my History assignment back and it was another Distinction. That�s 30 Distinction points and 6 Merit points. I�ve passed the course at Distinction level now, thank god. I guess I should still make an effort to keep it up though � it�s too easy to slack even more when you know you�ve done well.

Work has been pretty pants this week. I�ve been on my own until at least 9am, which means nothing else gets done, the places is a total tip and my feet and back seriously ache from all the standing.

I�m also coming down with something, which doesn�t help in the slightest. It�s that time of year though, isn�t it?

On Monday I went to go see Lew and Ma �cause it was Lew�s 17th. It was a really nice day actually. Grams met me at Bedford station and we chatted for a while and then I saw her onto her train. Then I bumped into Rich on the platforms and he decided to take his break, so he bought me a latte and we sat chatting for a while. It was good to catch up.

It was nice overall really. I thought I�d go over and say hello to everyone in the booking office while I was there. Bygones and all that jazz. June opened up her turnstile and gripped my fingers like I was some long lost friend and she couldn�t wait to touch me (it was a bit odd, but sweet at the same time) and the first thing Nath said was �You�re red.�...he meant my hair, but he did have me a little lost for a while. He�s as strange as ever, but we laughed and joked about me coming round there to slap his ears and how he was only safe from me �cause of the glass.

I keep bumping into people I know at St Albans station actually, but they�ve all been surprisingly nice. Not that I really know what I was expecting, just not this I guess.

The oddest thing was the evil hag sister Lesley, as I used to fondly refer to her, walking past Smiths and doing a double take, then coming in to chat to me like we were proper good friends. And not like she�d submitted a report and tried to get me fired. I was sort of tempted to tell her where to shove her friendly interest, not that I really believe it was friendly, but I just didn�t have it in me.

I can�t find it in me to be angry at people anymore. I�ve always been predisposed to forgive for the strangest of things, but now I�ve taken it to a whole new league. I just want peace and quiet, and if that means smiling and being friendly to the people I know are back stabbers and cunning thieves, then so be it. Anything for sanity.

I just don�t feel so bothered by them anymore, you know? There are bigger things to think about in this life, than what other people have done or would do to me.

Anyway, where was I....ah yeah, Lew�s birthday. So I left the station eventually and got the bus to Clapham. Lew was at home already, and I swear that boy gets taller and more grown up every time I see him. I was up on tippy toes hugging him and I chuckled at the fuzz on his chin. My little brother is turning into a man. How strange.

Ma had bought some trainers for me to give him (yet another curiously nice thing she�s done for me lately, along with donating �30 to my account today) and I�d managed to forage some sweets up for him. So we sat in the garden (god how I miss having a garden) and munched and chatted.

Then Ma got back from work and we went to the priory marina to have lunch in the pub garden. It was really beautiful outside and we had a nice time talking � plus I had steak. I heart steak. Then we went to Tesco to find Lew some shorts, which we did as I have great fashion advice and Ma never has the patience for it. I do like shopping for other people.

After that we drove to about four different bike shops so Lew could find a new road bike � which reminds me, I must research the guarantee on his old one that he�s demolished in less than six months!

So we went back home after this and Ma cooked a proper yummy healthy dinner for us, and we watched Sucker Punch � which they didn�t like much on account of it being rather abstract and a little hard to follow, but I absolutely adored it. It is now one of my favourite movies of all time � I was enthralled!

Mike�s going to watch it so we can have lots of silly discussions about what we think this and that meant. Fun.

So I didn�t leave until late, which was a stupid idea. I walked super super fast on the way back and had my adrenaline going like crazy. What a stupid mistake.

I rolled into bed and I couldn�t stop shaking. I�ve noticed my hands sometimes seem to shake at the moment, and I�m a lot more fidgety (prone to shaking my leg like crazy under the table)...but this was something else. I ended up having the worst night�s sleep I�ve ever had. If you can even call it sleep.

When my alarm went off at 4am I thought it was some kind of cosmic joke, but no, I did indeed need to get up and get going. Far too early in a job to be going sick. I managed to walk myself there and sort through the papers, but it seemed to drain what little energy I had left.

I spent the rest of the morning with lead arms and heavy legs, praying the clock would speed forward five hours and let me go home. It did, eventually, and I felt so weak I thought I might collapse. I paid for a taxi home, that�s how shit I felt.

I literally dropped all my crap on the floor in my room, swallowed a ton of paracetamol and ibuprofen and shoved myself under my duvet. Only I was shivering like crazy with freezing feet and hands, but a flushed and hot face. It was absurd. I eventually got to sleep and when I woke up I felt marginally better � not half dead as I suspected I was before. But after a few hours of reading my book, I started to shiver like crazy again. Mental.

I slept the afternoon away, and then the night � and got back up for work at 4am the next day feeling a bit more like me. Only my throat was all funny and I ended up sucking a whole packet of fricking lemon and honey lozenges. I don�t feel so bad now � very thirsty and a little run down. Nothing a good, long, uninterrupted sleep won�t cure.

Friday tomorrow, thank god.

I sent off my book reviews yesterday and the editor emailed me back within five minutes saying �These are brilliant! Exactly what I was hoping for! Thanks so much Rachael!� . I did a little happy dance when I read that. So the kind of thing I needed to hear.

Wayne popped in to say hello to me today. I�m surprised it took him this long. �A little birdie told me there was some new eye candy working in here.� God, he�s such a perv sometimes. If he comes around staring at me or doing anything weird I�m going to be so pissed off. Which means I�m going to smile and be nice and quietly fume away, as per fricking usual.

Right. Shit. I�m going to have to go to the JC and finish writing this later. *sighs*

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