I have this urge to write, but nothing is coming out how I mean it to. Or perhaps a more accurate description would be that it�s coming out in the way it should and it�s startling me with its accuracy.

I feel a sort of new-found freedom, and a reluctance to do anything I dislike. It�s making it hard to do the things that need doing. Everything is a little unsettling, and at the same time I�m welcoming this change.

I�m tired of trying to appease people, or having to do the things I don�t want to do out of some misguided sense of propriety or societal expectations. There�s always a choice; I fully embrace that, and I�m making one now. Rule following and niceties just aren�t me � I do and say odd things, because it�s in my nature; I�m beyond caring if this makes people uncomfortable now. I just don�t think like that.

Sometimes I�m going to have to do things I dislike, in order to get somewhere or something that I will like. But I�ll do them in my own way. To do the things that make me happy, I�ll sometimes have to be sad. But I�ll embrace that sadness and turn it into something beautiful. It�s to be expected after all.

I just feel like following my heart and listening to my soul. And I really couldn�t care less if this makes me sound like I�ve joined a cult or found a new religion. I just want to live my life happily. The norm � I don�t even know what that is! I only know what I love and who I am. That�s more than enough.

So, onto the nonsense that�s cluttering up my brain and needs to come out.

I�m handing in my one week�s notice at work tomorrow. A part of me felt a pang of guilt for doing this, but I�m ignoring that. If I listened to every pang of guilt I felt I�d never do anything for myself.

So, later on, I�ll be hand writing this letter in the nicest way possible; and after Thursday there won�t be any more 4am wake ups. Thank goodness. I�m just so relieved to not stress myself out over it anymore. I�ve nearly been in tears over having to get up so early. I don�t know whether to attribute any of it to the pills or hormones or what, but I�ve honestly felt like crying too much.

It sounds a bit absurd I know; but I�m just not the kind of person that copes well when being forced into a routine, especially one as horrible as that. I think having a new boss who is pretty unrelenting on stuff swayed me even more; I hate someone watching me like a hawk. I know I work hard, and I know I�m great with customers (jeez, I�m the friendliest one there and I�m OCD so the store has never looked better) � but if you watch me doing it you make me want to get sarcastic and slack. It�s just the way I am. I don�t belong on a leash.

Tivi said she�s amazed I lasted this long. Apparently I�m swampy, so it would be even harder for me than most. I did enquire as to how I was �swampy� but this means I�m a swamp monster and I love wallowing in my bed until the afternoon and staying up uber late. I don�t know how she made the connection, but fuck it � I am swampy!

I�m a fucking swamp monster that is just so happy she only has to get up at 4am for three more days. That�s for sure.

Tivi and I have been revising together for our exams. We started analysing W. H. Auden�s poetry on Friday and it took us hours. I�m not even exaggerating. This is a testament to how little we learn in our lessons. His poems are pretty long and complicated anyway, but we both walked away with a thorough understanding of the ones we�ve chosen to compare and contrast in our exam. Sometimes it�s a little hard working with someone else, because we all have our own perspectives about what things are supposed to mean. And not to be bad to Tiv, but English isn�t her strong suit, and she�d be the first to tell you that herself. So I felt like it was just me interpreting everything and contributing the best connections � but I�m uber happy with what we came out with. I should do well on this at least.

Then she came over on Saturday and we started on Gatsby, using my assignment as reference �cause I got the best mark. I�m pretty confident over this part of the exam too � so at least I should get a good grade for 2/3rd�s of it. The other part is Othello, and considering I still haven�t brought myself to write the assignment, it�s a little hard to revise for an exam on it *sighs*

I�ve got everything spread next to me right now, and nothing is coming to me. I just can�t bring myself to care about it � which is exasperating in the least. I�m just going to have to force myself to start it and do my best. At least I won�t have to do much revision if it�s fresh in my mind. But I�ve got to do it; the exam is tomorrow for crying out loud.

I also need to revise for the History exam on Wednesday and write out my Psychology assignment � both of these things are seriously going to have to wait until tomorrow afternoon when the English exam is over. Even if they�re just as important � prioritise!

Tivi dropped me in town when she went home on Saturday so I took myself off to Waterstones and foolishly bought more books. But, I can�t bring myself to be angry because I�ve finally started reading new books again! This is such a huge relief. For weeks now I�ve been reading old books over and over, and everytime I�ve tried to start reading one of the 77 (yes, I actually counted them) new books I�ve been buying over the months, it just hasn�t happened. Like my brain can�t focus on new concepts, too stressed out about everything to find space for more. And it�s been agonising; no lies. I adore reading � it�s the one thing that�s a constant for me. I�ve always been surrounded by books; whether it was James and the Giant Peach, Pippi Longstocking or First Rider�s Call (which so recently occupied my time after I sought it out in the beloved Fantasy section in Waterstones).

I put all my books in order of how I want to read them and I have a new found determination to work my way through all 77 of them. My mind is open to all the new ideas and novelties they hold � I�ll embrace them like I would an old friend.

Speaking of books; I ordered the diary of Vaslav Nijinsky off eBay yesterday. We came across him when studying one of Auden�s poems and when I googled him and read some of what he�d written it just struck a chord. I don�t give two shits if he�s a schizophrenic, he has an interesting mind and I want to read about it. Tivi says she doubts this will help my mental state; so I told her I�m mildly depressed not fucking bipolar or something. Jeez.

I guess I should be more worried about money right now, but I�ve formulated a little plan! Mwahaha. I do love my plans. Anyhow, I�m hoping that not working in May (would have been about �650 tops) and still owing �250 on the rent will be made up for in a combined effort from JSA (�200), CSG (�470 fingers crossed), CG (�100) and a CL (�150). Then after May�well after the 6th June, which is when I get back from Greece, I�m going to look for a full time job in Bedford to last me tul the end of July. I can travel up for the three weeks I still like in St Albans.

I�m fairly optimistic on this score because I know Bedford so much better than St Albans, and Ma will help me drive around all the retail parks in search of something. She�s also told me to just come home at the end of June when my rental contract runs out. After suggesting I go to my Grams for July, she seems to have relented and just told me I could stay at hers, rent free I presume, so long as I help out with the cleaning. She was even joking about with me telling me I couldn�t just clean only the stuff I used, which was an argument I used a lot growing up.

So at least I know I have a definite place to stay once this place is up. According to my brother she�s home for a maximum of four nights a week anyway so I doubt we�ll find much to clash over. Lew and I become a well-oiled machine where my Ma is concerned and will be blitzing the cleaning the day before we know she�s due back. Ha.

Lew says he�s missed me and it will be really nice to have me home again. That was all the persuasion I needed really.

Plus, I asked Ma if she�d mind if I did some planting seen as I�ve been nabbing the seeds from the free Daily Mail offer and she said sure; as long as I buy those silver bucket style pots she doesn�t mind what I do. Awesome.

I�m dreading going through all my stuff at the end of June, having to decide what goes into storage, what goes to Uni and what goes into Ma�s for the summer *big sighs*

I�m going to use May to get my research project completely blitzed. After taking a 30 min Sociology paper and compiling my portfolio, this is the last thing left to do and I want it over with as soon as possible.

The biggest reason I�m in a rather jolly mood � how English was that, jolly, anyhow�as I was saying, I�m jolly �cause I�m going home on Thursday!! I�ve decided it�s completely worth the train fare if I can spend money on books and I�m leaving right after work at 10am. Then I think I�ll stay tul Tuesday morning (3rd), as I need to come back for my JS appointment at 9.30am, but I�m inclined to buy a day return and then hop back on the train to Bedford afterwards. Actually, I think I�ll get some passport photos done and get myself a 16-25 railcard so my fares are cheaper�Mwahaha. I�m going to try and get a Doctor�s appointment for that day too � for the pills and also for a letter for Robinson�s gym in Bedford, and see about having my meeting with Amy about the Research Project then.

She�ll be pissed that I�m going to miss tutorial on the Weds but it�s actually a load of rubbish and nothing I can�t do at home. And no frickin� way am I going to Maths on the Monday just to hand in my work, he�s having a giraffe. I�ll finish it this Weds and hand it in early and he can like it or lump it.

So I�ll go back the same day and stay tul�whenever I guess. Ma goes to Barbados on the 2nd and doesn�t come back for ten days�so maybe I�ll stay with Lew until the 11th or something. I don�t suppose it really matters now. At least I�ll have an available phone and be getting my mail direct to me, rather than waiting for Ma to gather it up and post it. I can sort out my creditors while I�m there, join the gym with the doctor�s letter and visit people. Like Grams, Howie, Tasha, Ashleigh, Vik & Pete�and Jane! I�m meeting her for lunch and shopping this Saturday, which I�m super looking forward to. It�s been too long.

It feels good to be doing stuff like this; I�ve needed it. Next on my list is a visit to London that is way overdue. Maybe after Greece�or before Greece even. Yeah, before. And I�ll schedule in time to visit the Tate and the British Museum. Oooh, and maybe the Zoo too, lord knows I love London Zoo and Lorna lives round the corner from it. Perfect.

Yep, I�m feeling positively right now. Despite the work I haven�t done and the prospect of battling it out a little for money. It�ll work out, and come August I�ll be more relaxed and less stressed than I�ve been in a long time.

Hmmm. What else have I got to say?!

I taught myself to French plait my hair the other day. Whenever I ask Ma this she�s about as unhelpful as it gets and ends up gripping my curls and doing it for me. She never really has had the patience to teach anyone anything. But I can do it! It�s a little messy, but then I have uber messy curls so *shrugs*

Tivi and I went a roaming in the woods near Hemel the other day. Her dog was acting funny and kept following behind me, like right behind me so I could feel doggy breath on the back of my bare legs. Ew. But he was pretty cute � a bear more than a dog really. She says it�s a dominance thing; usually he does it to her �cause he knows she�s in charge, but for some reason, maybe because I�m nearly a foot taller than her, he decided I was the shiz. She�s never seen him do it to someone else before�.but dogs kind of like me. Despite the fact I�m a cat person.

It�s the same with kids, they like me and I�m not really into other peoples kids. Family, yeah sure, I�m like the hug monster then. I�m the idiot that runs around in the dark on the wet grass wearing nought but pyjamas, playing hide and seek or the one that helps bury someone and build them a tombstone. Bah.

Right, shit, I seriously need to start thinking Othello. How pants.

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