Change is a curious thing. Sometimes it happens over-night, sometimes it happens over time and you can follow its progress; and sometimes it�s so gradual that you don�t see it coming until it slams into you full force. That�s how I�ve been feeling lately � like all these changes have just crept up on me and I�ve been blind to them until now. But that�s a good thing; at least I think it is. I�ve never really been one to embrace change in my life, unless I understand everything about it � I don�t necessarily understand any of this, nor do I like surprises; but I do accept it, and so to me it�s good.

The dynamic between me and Ma hasn�t changed, but the way I view it has. I think I�ve spent so much time focusing on the things we don�t get from her, that I�ve forgotten to appreciate the things she�s given us. So, my childhood wasn�t ideal�but whose was? She loves me and Lewis, and she�s only human. Every parent makes mistakes, every parent will do something or be something that riles you up � but they�ll all do the best that they can. Sometimes it�s not enough � sometimes a parent�s best is nothing at all. But Ma�s best isn�t nothing � It�s something I�ve come to appreciate.

We�ve always been able to lean on her in certain ways, and those ways are becoming clearer with age. I know Ma loves us both, and I�ve come to see that this is more than enough. It�s more than some people get from their parents. So I figure it�s about time I stopped feeling like she was a bad mother, like I�m missing out on something � she wasn�t and if I am, I don�t care anymore. She was and is our Ma, and that�s good enough for me.

The same kind of thinking applies to my Dad too. I understand that he�s a sociopath and this isn�t something that can just go away. He�ll spend the majority of his life in prison, and any contact I have with him is bound to be confusing. Wishing and hoping for him to suddenly realise he has these amazing kids and embrace the paternal role, isn�t something I�m prepared to do anymore. He is who he is, and I can�t change that. He�s my father � but that doesn�t mean it has to affect me anymore.

This misguided sense of guilt I sometimes get about writing to him in prison doesn�t feel the same anymore. I recognise it for what it is � a yearning for a loving father. But he�s not capable of being a Dad � he really isn�t. So I�m going to focus on the positive � no more feeling sorry for myself. He�s given me a huge family, an interesting family to say the least � even if it is a family I have no desire to include in my life unless circumstances make it convenient � but a family none the less. And most of all, he�s given me three brothers and two sisters. I may not be on familiar terms with four of them � I�ve reconciled myself with the fact that this probably won�t ever happen and I don�t feel guilty for it anymore. I don�t feel like I�m missing anything. But I do have a new little brother, and I�m growing to love him and his Ma very much.

I have a lot to be grateful for really. I accept the fact that the people in my life are who they are, and they hopefully accept that I am who I am.

And saying that, I�ve also decided that I�m not going to hold back on my opinions just because someone is a member of my family. If you want to behave like a twat, then I�m going to tell you you�re a twat. If you decide to hate me afterwards, then you weren�t the person I thought you were to begin with. No more letting family manipulate me or take advantage � I�ve moved past that rubbish. I have enough beautiful people in my life, and it�s time to prune away the diseased ones once and for all. Think of it like a rose bush!

This leads me onto my Grams. I sent her an email venting everything I felt towards her (I won�t get into details, but it was very thorough and very sarcastic), and I don�t expect to hear from her for a while. But I�m honestly not bothered. I�m actually relieved � and I don�t care whether this makes me sound heartless or harsh � it says a lot about our relationship to me. I needed to say what I did, I needed her to know how she made me feel � and I don�t mind if people do the same back to me. Criticism doesn�t affect me negatively � I�ll take it and turn it around. I also included a few choice words for my aunt as well � letting her know that her selfish attitude and lying wasn�t going to fly with me anymore.

As predicted, I received an email back with the standard issue denial of everything I said, and a blatant attempt to make me feel guilty. Instead of just ignoring it, I decided it required a response even harsher than before. I�m pretty sure I made my stance clear the second time around, and I won�t be hearing from her again � that is unless she has a personality transplant at some point in the future. I did, however, put a little note at the bottom for my aunt, once we became aware that Grams was forwarding all emails to her. She replied to me yesterday, with a bunch of manipulative lies and a nasty underlying message for my Mum.

I pretty much went crazy and wrote out this 2000+ word email letting her know exactly what I thought of her � she kind of made it easy for me, as she came across as completely jealous of Ma, completely hypocritical about the situation at Christmas and the August holiday and she idiotically crossed the line.

She decided that my dislike for her doesn�t stem from her being who she is and me never getting on with her over the years, but from the fact she helped my Mum run away to Israel when I was a baby. She then proceeded to tell me about my Dad throwing a chair at my Mum when she was pregnant with me, him selling her furniture for coke and sleeping with women when she was in the hospital with me.

Needless to say, it has absolutely nothing to do with the argument at hand and was a way of digging at my Mum from afar, seen as she forwarded the email to her as well. Ma has always expressly asked people not to talk to me about what my Dad did in the past and pulling all of this hurtful and irrelevant information into the present is entirely fucking stupid.

Anyhow, I don�t honestly think she�ll be speaking to me again and it doesn�t feel remotely like a loss. I dug at every possible thing about her I could and effectively put her in her place far better than I ever have done before. It is my nature to be particularly nasty when angered, and after reading her email I was furious. The injustice behind the things she said, the warped logic and the uncalled for nature of everything she said set me off and I went crazy bitch on her ass. But�seriously�I would see her two times a year at best. Once at Christmas (which won�t be happening again for sure � looks like it will be us three and the step family each year) and Summer for a week (which also won�t be happening again � it would have been the last time this year before the big fall-out happened, as everyone is starting to do their own thing). I�ve never called her in my life and I�ve never been to visit her. We have never been close. I really don�t feel as though I�m missing anything.

Perhaps with Grams I�m missing some company I might have enjoyed over the years, but this intense guilt trip and consequent forgiveness I�ve always had going on has got to stop somewhere. I�m stopping it with them. Anyone who isn�t worth having in my life won�t get to know me or be a part of it anymore. I�m not a horrible person (usually) so I�ll always feel a little bad about negative things, but I�d rather feel that guilt than get hurt or put up with rubbish that wastes away lives. If I see the people I�ve cut out of my life, I�m not going to ignore them or be mean; I�ll be civil, and that�s as much as they deserve.

And I feel happy that I�m able to be honest with everyone now � it feels like a long time in coming. I�m no longer afraid of what anyone thinks of me, or how much things will change if we all just stop pretending � as long as I stay true to myself, then I don�t feel like I have anything to fear. I�m not pretending anymore � not for anyone.

��������������������������.

So, onto less meaningful and serious happenings.

I went to visit Lorna and Daniel in London for the weekend and it was really nice. He�s an exhausting 3 year old and I spent the majority of my time hiding from �monsters� and eating pretend food, but it was more comfortable than it�s ever been before.

I think it just takes time really, for me to fully relax around people. And I really did this time. Me and Lorna stayed up real late talking and watching horror movies both nights, and Daniel is a little chatter box who either calls me �Harry� or �Sister��apparently �Rachael� is too much for him. Don�t even ask me where the Harry came from.

He is adorable though, if slightly hyperactive. Lorna was as lovely as usual, wanting to run me baths and even asking to give me a foot massage! I had a lovely weekend, but by the end of it I was ready to go home. I�m used to little brothers, �cept the one I�m used to is now 17 and his toddler years are a haze of mushed makeup and hissy fit memories.

We went to this awesome Tinsel Town restaurant in Hampstead that did the scrummiest Cajun chicken and blue cheese burger with seasoned fries ever � AND I had a peanut butter milkshake to wash it down!

You�d think with all the rubbish I eat I�d be gaining even more weight, but I think because I�ve always done it my weight has somehow stabilised. Funnily enough, I�ve actually gone down a size somehow. I think it�s because I just haven�t felt as hungry the past month or so, and I forget to eat sometimes. Then when I go to eat now, I can�t handle eating anywhere near as much as I used to. Like my stomach suddenly shrank a bit or something�.a bit weird but helpful.

I�m not planning on starting my healthy kick until I start Uni. I figure, it�s a new lease of life for me and I want to do it right from the beginning. That means being as social as I can stand, working really hard, taking every opportunity that comes my way and being as healthy as possible.

I�m also not working this summer. I thought Ma might be annoyed, but so far I�ve been contributing well in the house and giving her nothing to moan about. I figure I only owe money to Elisha, and as long as I somehow sign on for a week and get my last housing payment then that covers her.

I�ve been through the garage and my room like a crazy whirlwind (picture the Tasmanian devil) and decided to seriously give everything a major overhaul. No more buying things and keeping them because I like the idea of them, but never actually use them (like tarot cards and runes) and no more buying books that I�m only partially interested in reading. I�ve managed to amass an enormous pile of things to sell on eBay and I can see myself making quite a bit of money.

Which is a good thing really; considering I�ve been playing catch up with my obsessive shopping habit that�s been on hold. Only this time I�ve been thinking through every purchase properly, rather than making impulsive buys. I�ve managed to practically create an entire new wardrobe that�s the colour of the frickin� rainbow (I�ve been getting rid of any frumpy dark clothes, shoes and accessories or anything else I rarely wear) and I actually love it. I love wearing all these pretty skirts and tops and I think I have a pair of pumps in every available colour known to man� *grins* It�s nice, you know? To feel happy and pretty all the time (well, maybe not all the time, I look a fright in the mornings with my big bouffant of curls and red cheeks).

Ah, I�ll write everything else down soon. I�ve decided I want to watch the new Emma and it�s four hours long so I�d better get started now before I�m too tired.

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