I�m twenty-six. I still don�t know what it means to be twenty-six. But I am twenty-six. Six and twenty. 26. The wrong side of 25�supposedly.

I�d be lying if I said my age hasn�t been on my mind a lot lately. And not in the dramatic I�m-so-old-and-my-life-is-passing-me-by kind of way�but in the slightly less dramatic my-life-isn�t getting-any-longer-what-do-I-want-out-of-it kind of way.

And in a way, I think I�ve decided what I want. For real this time. I want the usual trappings of course � love and a bunch of kids. I want a job I find rewarding � something to do with publishing or editing. And I want to be a novelist � more than anything I want to publish and be successful. And�I want a home. That secure place that smells of hope and family and dreams.

But first�.I have to work hard to get to those places.

So I want my degree to be a 1st. I�ve worked out the technicalities and so long as I achieve 68% and above on module grades all this year and next, and get 60 credits at a first next year, then I�m pretty much golden.

The huge 100%-of-my-module-grade essay and two creative pieces I�m waiting on are making me anxious. I�ve worked so much harder this year. I was down hearted when my first grade came back and it was a 63�the lowest I�ve ever got by one mark. But I think that boosted my efforts. The next grades I got back were 64, 68 and 74. I was completely ecstatic about the 74- like, squeal-and-run-around-the-house-ecstatic. And I�m hoping, against all hope, that the three I�m getting back in a week�s time will also be firsts. Then I will have got the equivalent of 62.5% firsts and 37.5% 2:1 for the first time ever!!

So yeah, getting the best degree possible is now a big part of my aims. There�s no point selling myself short and aiming for a 2:1; as good as that might be, I can do better.

The next thing I want to work on is getting this book properly thought out and written. I theorise I can have it ready for publication by the time I leave uni in 18 months. I can�t even have a bath or watch a TV programme without taking away some little nugget to add to my list of things to incorporate or ideas for the bank. I love this idea like I�ve loved nothing else.

When people say that their ideas, their written word becomes their baby, I used to scoff and think, �Yeah, whatever.� But it�s true, this is my baby. It causes me no end of grief sometimes. There are days I doubt I can do it justice, days I doubt my skills and my thought process. But I never once stop loving the idea; I never once doubt its originality and beauty.

This novel is my baby and I love it like I gave birth to it, which strictly speaking I did, with my mind. It�s like Athena, and I�m Zeus!! Okay, not quite, but you catch my drift.

I guess, in a life that�s full of insecurities, it�s my one security. And I intend to see it through to the end.

Thirdly, I want to use this summer to free me from debt and secure my backup plan for if my novel doesn�t pan out how I�d like.

This means working full time for four months � April through July. It means annihilating the debts I�ve accumulated once and for all. I�ve been paying some off bit by bit, but it�s time I step up and give myself a chance to stop worrying about them. It will actually probably be nice to work and make new friends, and keep my days busier than they usually are in the holidays.

And then, with my fingers fully crossed and my palms firmly touching wood, I want an internship with a publishing company for the rest of the summer. Penguin have a new internship they started up last year and I�m applying for it � it�s in the Children�s editing department and it sounds perfect. I know my chances are pretty slim, and I�ll apply for some others too as backups for my backup, but it would be such an amazing opportunity for me to show my competency and secure that line of work for a livelihood.

So, those are the ideas behind my future in education/careers/writing. But what about the rest? What about love, and kids and a home?

First things first is getting fit and healthy again. I don�t care how egotistical this sounds, but I�m too damn pretty to let myself go, because that�s precisely what I�ve done. I loved having long legs and a little dippy waist. I loved my defined collar bones and the dimples at the bottom of my back. And I know I won�t be happy again until I see those things in myself once more. So, without setting myself time limits and stressing the hell out, I�m determined to see this through.

I can�t really predict that sort of stuff. I can just get myself to the stage where I feel happiest, in mind and body. I know there�s still some travelling I want to do, in fact there are five big places I desperately want to go to (South Africa, Norway, New Zealand, West Coast USA and Vietnam). Visiting those, along with working out where exactly I want to live, and getting myself on the road again (god, I miss driving) will be my aims once University is over.

The rest will happen when it happens. For now, I�m satisfied with what I need to do and what I can accomplish If I want it badly enough. And I do, I want all these things so badly it hurts.

<<ghosts []the mist>>