I�ve been so distracted lately, like everything slips my mental grasp at whim. I have so many things I�d like to get off my chest though, and there�s no better place than here with you diary.

Friendship has been on my mind a lot. The way it shapes a part of our lives and the kind of friends we attract. I�m beginning to believe I attract the wrong kind of people. I know I can be magnetic � people call it confidence, bubbliness or friendliness � whatever it is, it�s always helped me find people to befriend. But it�s also a curse.

I attract the kind of people who don�t understand true loyalty, as well as those that do. I attract a flock of people sometimes, and that�s beautiful. But my problem is that I find it hard to discern between the two types. I form these bonds, some deeper than others, and once I�ve done that I find it seriously hard to walk away from a person.

I give chance after chance, led by my misguiding sense of honour, and it slowly destroys a part of me � that part that trusts people implicitly.

I look at all the broken friendships I have left behind me, and I want to blame myself. I want to say it�s got to be something I�m doing � and in a way it is, but it�s not necessarily a bad thing. I�m expecting, and my expectations are what cripple a lot of my friendships. And yes, maybe sometimes those expectations are too high, but sometimes they�re not, and the fact they reveal the insidious nature of some of my friendships makes it a blessing not a curse.

I�m okay with having high hopes and aspirations, and I�m okay with the fact I expect certain things from the people around me. I�m also learning to be okay with walking away from a relationship and realising it�s no good for me.

I may have a trail of broken relationships, but I have a foundation of solid ones that won�t be shaken.

So, on that note, there are some people in my life I just need to distance myself from and effectively, eventually remove.

The first one is Paul. I think I�ve harboured this guilt from when we were children, remembering the beautiful, trusting friendship we once shared and hating myself for the fact it ended, and not satisfactorily either. But the more and more I speak to him now, realising that we are two people completely out of tune, the more I wish I�d never bothered resurrecting these ghosts in the first place. We�ve grown up, we�re different people, and we�re so out of sync we�d make a circle into a square.

When I speak to him now I get so frustrated, wishing he�d stop droning on about such unimportant and uninspiring things. Wishing he�d wake up and smell the coffee and watch the new day dawning. Wishing he�d take his foot out of his ass and stop being this pessimistic, energy-leaching, parasitic, negative life force that thinks his word makes the most sense when it�s just so wrong, and rigid and unforgiving.

He seems like such a negative and hateful person to me now, and a part of me wonders if he was always like that � whether maybe I enjoyed this person as my friend because I used to be like that. But I know it�s not true, if there�s one thing I�ve always been it�s an optimist, maybe to the extent of blind faith. But I know now I can�t be surrounded by someone like that.

I�m a strong person but I�m only at my strongest when I�m given my freedom. Surrounding myself with negative people has always constructed this iron grid of a cage around me, and even though it�s entirely imagined, the suffocation is not. I�m basically writing him off from now on, it�s highly tempting to just take him off my Facebook actually � in fact, I�m thinking of having a real purge, that should make me feel better.

I also need to remove my father�s family from my life. Every single one of them. It�s not going to be easy. Hell, it might actually hurt a little. But they feel like these little hooks trying to find a hold in my skin, and if I relax too much they just might find one. They�ve never contributed anything to the person that I am. They�ve never offered me peace of mind or a shoulder to cry on. They�ve never so much as extended a real hand of friendship, never mind familial love�but there I go, letting them in any way out of some sense of loyalty to the Williams name.

But I rejected that name. I chose a new name and a new future, and it�s about time I lived up to it. The only connection I�ll keep is Daniel. That�s it. And a part of me doesn�t even want to do that. Is that awful? That this five year old little boy is something I want to sweep under the rug? I won�t do it, not right now, maybe not ever. I like Lorna, and he�s a sweet kid, but I don�t feel like I fit with them.

Next on my purging list is Sarah O. As in, my house mate and creative writing class mate, Sarah. I look at our friendship now and I can�t even understand why I ever tried to be nice to her. I honestly feel like I must have been possessed. The girl is a bitch, plain and simple. She steals, lies and boasts her way into these shoes that she can�t possibly fill. She�s not a person at all, just a shell of conniving nastiness putting on a pretty face. And the worst part is that I feel sorry for her � this is what gets me in trouble, I feel sorry for people and I feel like I owe them something when truly I owe nothing.

I�m not extending the hand in friendship to her ever again. As far as I�m concerned, once we go our separate ways at the end of this year she�ll be out of my life for good. In the mean time I�ll put up with her presence. I won�t be nasty (I actually find it exhausting being horrible to people) and I won�t be her friend either. I know she�s likely to be in two out of my four classes, but I�ll find some other people to sit with and hope she gets the message. As for living together, I rarely see her anyway and she�s got the message about using my stuff.

Next is Jamie. His friendship has long irritated me and it�s got to the point where I feel an absolute fake as a friend. I can�t stand speaking to him � I feel like I�m forcing each word out through a bank of sand. He�s so idiotic and sanctimonious, it gives me the creeps. And he�s just so�wish washy and without substance. There�s no other way of explaining it. Plus, no matter how many times I ask him to respect the fact I�m an atheist I still get these absurd Jesus-died-for-you texts and emails that make me wanna take a crucifix and shove it up his ass. No, I�ve long since reached my limits with that boy and I�ll begin to sever those ties too.

The last person on this list, and strangely enough the most difficult to contemplate, is Luke. It�s really hard to think about not being friends with Luke, like really hard. But I�ve recently come to the conclusion that he�s using me. He thinks it�s okay to cut me out of every aspect of his life, but leap into mine when the urge takes. He thinks he knows enough about me to pass judgement and have me listen, when all I want to do is cry that he�s got it so wrong. I still love him, and that�s what makes this harder.

He�s not my true friend anymore, and he�s still able to hurt me. But I�m distancing myself. I�m relying less and less on the bond we shared and moving on. Next year I won�t be living with him. The revelation was a blow to my trust, the last blow effectively. He�s been doing one thing after another to demolish the faith and trust I had in him and it�s nearly all gone. We�ll stay friends, maybe, but he won�t ever be in my inner circle of trust again. And that�s on him.

He�s chosen to abandon me and live with Rob next year, which is understandable, but also unforgivable when combined with his other crimes (like we�re in court or some such, silly me). I�ve managed to find a perfectly grown up and cordial friendship with Claire and Rob, and I like them both very much and enjoy spending time with them, but it doesn�t go beyond that. This is where Luke is headed.

I have to keep my spark alive, and think of the beauty and solidarity behind Ayn Rand�s words. I can�t allow people to feed off this innate sense of trust, loyalty and acceptance I�ve always carried. It�s high time I allowed that part of me to change the same way the rest of me has.

I�m more peaceful, more accepting, less argumentative and more understanding. But I�m also more careful and less forgiving, and recognising that certain people just don�t have, nor deserve a place in my life is all a part of it.

I�m only going to stick to a friendship if it�s worth it, and I�m no longer going to think about someone unless they deserve my time. Erasing the past isn�t something that comes naturally to me, but it�s time to try.

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