So I open up a document on word, and the very first thing I do is change the font to ĎGeorgiaíÖdoes that make me weird diary? My writing only ever looks like my writing, when itís in my favourite font. Used to be that ĎBook Antiquaí was my girlÖnot anymore.
For days now Iíve been meaning to write in here, only every time Iíve tried the words have gotten stuck in my throat. Have you ever just wondered whether you were really there? Whether life was real? Whether itís all some sort of fantastic game and when we die thatís the end of it. Like the battery power on a remoteÖ.only our batteries are one of a kind.
I feel a little bit hollowÖ.sometimes I feel a lot hollow. Iím struggling to maintain this cheery front when I just want to hide away. My bones are restless and my heart is confused. Iím in a permanent state of bodily lethargy and mental over-load. Nothing seems to be making sense.
I desperately want another fresh startÖwhy is that diary? Why am I always wanting to wash away my life and start again? Why does the idea of living in a little Greek village where no one knows my name feel so damn appealing?
I want all the things that matter in life to stop mattering. I want no demands and no responsibility. I want to wake up to the smell of grapefruit and the sound of my own laughter.
Things are always changing. Nothing stays the same. Isnít that just the oldest saying in the book? Why, when change bothers me so damn much, am I always in a hurry to make it?
Iím tired of this life of deadlines. Iím sick of feeling like I have to apologise for who I am. Iím also very tired of being this alien version of myself.
I want university to be over. Good lord, do I want it to be over. I love the learning, but this place is growing old for me. Or maybe Iím just growing old.
I want to finish this degree, just get it over with. And I want to write, I want to feel happy enough to write up a storm and make that my life. Why canít I just do that?
Why has everything got to be so damn complicated? Itís like one thing after another Ė to do lists and bills and socialisation. I just want it all to go away.
I want to be debt free and care free. I want to be skinny and happy. I want to be accomplished and talented. I want to have freedom and pleasure. I donít have any of these things right now and if I donít find a way to do it Iím scared Iíll hate what my life has become.
Please someone give me the strength to make some progress.