Lately that's been the case any how.

I've been doing some serious thinking...serious thinking inspired by dreams and feelings...not something i usually do.

And i guess i have the people that have been making my life difficult lately, to thank for my latest decision. At least in part.

I've decided to go to University.

I've always thought i really didn't want to go...and i guess i didn't ever really consider it, not properly.

I was dead set on leaving school as soon as i hit 16 and nothing could persuade me otherwise.

But i spent a sleepless night playing the 'what if' game, and i surprised myself.

I realised that the idea of attending university actually...kind of...thrilled me.

I was excited. And i still am.

At first i thought that it wouldn't be possible because of my age and financial commitments...and of course i was awash with fears about my capabilities.

But in the end i just said fuck it.

I've not got anything to lose. I have a lot to learn and if that's not a good enough reason to study then i don't know what is.

Besides, i so obviously need to do something with my life and i think i may have FINALLY figured out what that is.

I mean...i have some pretty serious doubts as to my capabilities to even complete my college access course, nevermind a degree, nor do the job i've decided i want to do.

But i'm trying to set those fears aside and make some progress.

So...the plan is thus:

* Start an Access to HE Diploma course in September this year, two evenings a week in a London college (hopefully) that should finish by June.
- In the mean time i pay off everything by working whatever hours i can and by April 2011 i should be done. Debt free.

* In june next year when my course finishes (hopefully it will be mid June but that all depends on my course finish date and Uni acceptance stuff) i'll quit my job, sell my car and take my leave pay and then go travelling for afew months. Probably do India, China, Vietnam, New Zealand, Fiji and Newyork before heading home.

* In the end of September next year i'll be all set to start an English Literature and Language degree course at the Uni of my choice (one of three London Uni's i've picked out)and i can also add a TEFL course to this so that in my summer between terms i can go abroad to teach english - make money whilst seeing another country and getting teaching practise in too.
- I'll get a part time job (doing god knows what) until i can do some tutoring and i'm fully entitled to the student loans etc so i haven't really got to worry about money.

* Fingers crossed that in my second year i can do a year abroad in a Uni in the US - how amazing would that be?! and then when i've finished my three years of studying and three summers of teaching i'm going to take all the money i've saved up and go travelling for as long as possible and see everywhere i haven't yet seen but am desperate to.

* Then the plan is to find a job teaching english abroad - maybe for all the year or just some of it...and that's about as far as i've got with my plans.

But it's a start, right?

I'm terrified that i'm not going to be smart enough, that i'm going to be so shy in seminars that i stop going to them, that i bomb everything and get stuck working in some store, unable to do anything.

But i've got to work on my self confidence. Cause that's where this all stems from.

Feeling inadequate. Feeling inferior. Feeling pathetic.

Life is for living and it's about time i started...in a different way to my usual nonsense anyway.

As scared as i am, and as excited as i feel...i'm also sort of relieved.

I have a purpose...that purpose might change and may become unobtainable, but for now...i know what i'm going to do with my life.

For the first time ever, i have a glimpse of what my life might be like, and i love it.

If i can get there, if i can do this, then i'll be so happy. I'll be happy in June when i'll finally feel like my current life is at an end. But i'll be stupendously happy if i get through all this.

And so proud.

Anything else that happens will just be a bonus. Marriage? Kids? When the time is right - i'm not being pressured by all these people that believe you've got to have kids young if you're going to have them at all.

It'll all happen when i'm good and ready. I have faith in that at least.