I've got so many thoughts buzzing around in my head right now that this entry might not make much sense to anyone other than me.

The weather is beautiful again and i can smell someones bbq. Surprisingly that doesn't really make me want to have one, possibly because i had maccy d's on the way home from work, but bbq's - as scrumptious as they are - are one of those things that often smell better than they taste.

Like coffee. Roasted coffee beans smell so dreamy, but the taste is never quite as good.

Don't get me wrong, i love coffee and i definately love bbqs, but that's just how it is.

I let my brother drive my car for the first time ever yesterday. We took it up the big lonely hill road to the immigration asylum and i taught him how to drive - after several false starts - and although i would only let him go up to second gear for fear of a car crash, it was a blast. And afterwards i felt really happy that i was able to do that for him.

It's something small, but i think it means alot. I didn't have someone to help me learn to drive, which might have been why it took me so many years to become interested in doing so.

Our mum hasn't got the patience and is too afraid to let anyone without a license drive her car and we've both got pretty dead beat dads who it wouldn't even occur to.

I've promised to take him up there again later tonight to get some more practise in. With any luck he'l be a perfect driver by the time he's old enough to take his test.

The animals are getting pretty territorial at the moment and the territory seems to be me. Roxy has taken residence on my shoulder and keeps nudging my cheek with her nose. (damn itchy whiskers) and Storm is lazing across my feet. Silly animals.

I went for the job interview yesterday. Eight people turned up for the tests and only three passed. Me and two other women (who were actually pretty nice once they got talking). And i had my interview first and it was absolutely pants.

At one point i literally sat there, the cogs churning in my head but my mouth unable to form the words to answer their question.

How embarrassing and how shoddy for my self confidence.

I really start to wonder if i even have half a brain when that happens.

I mean - i can literally sit and chat happily away to someone i've never met before and feel perfectly comfortable doing so and i'm not exactly shy or lacking in self confidence. If anything i can be a bit reckless.

But stick me in a suit and make me answer questions about my ability to do a certain job and i become an eejit. All thats missing is the permanent dribble and cross eyed glare.

I test well - i know that. But what use are test results when i can't even pass one lousy interview?!

*sighs* Oh well. I guess it's a good thing my dream job is to be a published author.

No people telling me what to do and something that solely relies on my own imagination and skill with words. I don't have to talk about myself, i don't have to talk about anyone. Plus, it doesn't matter if it takes me years upon years to do it, i'll be happy if i manage to do it once before i die.

I popped by to see Lorna and Daniel afterwards. It was nice, i got to meet her cousin who's also a pretty nice person - i was happy plodding along with them and the dogs through Regents Park (oggling the shirtless hippy with the awesome dreads while i was at it) but then after a while i started to get a headache from the sun, and i was tired and just wanted to go home. When that happens i tend to get really quiet without meaning to and feel bad about it afterwards. But Lorna seemed to understand.

Next time i go down i might drive and take Lewis and Storm with me. Lew would love the huge rottweiler called Fred i walked with and Dan would love Storm, she's just the right size for him.

I feel really bad about my weight AGAIN but mostly i'm fed up with myself. I scream at myself to just sort it out. Just diet and exercise cause you know you'll feel so much better when the pounds start dropping off. You know you love shopping and you love your wacky dress sense and you'll enjoy being able to look beautiful in the clothes you adore.

My ex's girlfriend has been losing weight and it makes me so green. A customer described me as youngish and overweight in a letter - and i thought - youngish?! nice....overweight...yeah that's true. But it still hurt.

I don't want to be remembered for that and it hasn't always been this way.

Maybe that's why it's worse - i know that i have lovely curves when i'm slim - i know i get looked at and admired when i'm dressed up and smiling. But not like this - this way i'm not remembered nicely at all.

Oh fuck it. I'm just going to get up tomorrow and haul my fat ass out to the gym and not stop until the sweat is running rivers down my back. That ought to be a good enough start. Let's see if i manage it this time. Clothes are out ready and waiting.

I had a notion the other day that sometimes life can feel rather empty.

When you think about the enormity of it - how the years pass by so quickly. It's almost like, before you know it, you'll be old and dying and wondering what it was all for.

Why are we even here?

Some days everything has a purpose and i love living, i really do, it becomes all about the experiences and memories, but others, i find myself wondering if it would be easier to just end it now, save myself all the heart ache of leaving more people behind.

More things to miss. More time spent thinking it all over. Mulling the reasons behind our existance and loving...loving painfully.

What's the point if we just take it all to the grave anyway?

*sighs* well that's the sort of contemplation inspired by my bad days.

But enough about that.

I had two dreams last night. Technically this morning.

The first one was pretty disturbing. We had a puppy, a white wrinkled thing with too much skin that we kept in a pond, because it liked to live in the pond - it misbehaved so we kept it there all night. In the morning we went to check on it and it seemed pretty fine, just exceptionally quiet - moving around but hiding it's face - then somebody walked past and muttered 'the cat's been at it' so i decided to take a better look - only to find a gaping bloody hole where the puppys eyes should be, and when i looked at it again, the whole face had disappeared to show a bloody hole.

Nasty stuff.

My next dream was me frantically trying to think of nicer things. It ended up being abit of a love story.

It was about an old friend of mine, Paul. I don't really know why it was about him, because we haven't spoken properly in years, and we haven't really been friends in about seven of those years - which is a shame, but i guess that's life.

He'd been away somewhere and was coming home to tell me he would be going to live with an aunt and uncle in Daventry (of all places - i've never been there nor have i had a reason to), and i was obviously upset by this news, but he sweetly told me that i'd like it there, prompting me to understand i would be visiting, and often at that. When he first arrived i had run at him, typical movie stereotype reunion of me flinging myself into his arms and us rolling around on the floor laughing - and at the end of our sweet but funny conversation, in which we established he would be accompanying me on my travels next year, he then led me by the hand into this glass fronted house to stay the night.

It was bizarre to say the least. But a part of me, a really small part, wished it was true.

Maybe not so much him per say, but someone that i loved and trusted enough to want to always be around them. To know they would be faithful, as a friend or partner, whether i'm around or not. And to know i could stand being in such close proximity to them for a whole year of cheap hostels and cheap days out. Mostly, someone i wanted to run to and throw myself at when i'd been without them.

I guess that's how i used to feel about Paul. Maybe it's my subconscience telling me that i CAN feel that way again about other people.

I guess that sometimes i feel like i've forgotten how to.

<<ghosts []the mist>>