My head's buzzing with thoughts like a hornet's nest.

Firstly, i've found a solution to my unhappy residential situation.

I registered on this website for renting rooms and managed to find somewhere straight away. I went to see it the other day and it was better than i expected - the house isn't anything special really, but the owner has converted his garage into a studio flat where he resides and then his three bed house would be divided between myself and this woman renting the other rooms, Sheila.

She's really nice and i could see myself getting on really well with her. Her boyfriend was round when we veiwed the place and he was really friendly too, which is a relief cause i'm pretty sure she'l want him around.

The best thing about this place is that i pretty much share the run of the place with my other housemate, using the kitchen, lounge and bathroom whenever i feel like it, without worrying about intruding on the owner's privacy.

The bedroom's bigger than the one i have now, so no complaints there and i'm aching to sort through all my stuff and do an ebay selling spree anyway, so this move is the perfect excuse.

It's super close to Bedford Park and Robinsons gym (where i have an induction with Lewis on thursday - i've finally done it, swallowed my pride and decided that's where i've gotta go if i wanna get fit) so i can get some fresh air and space any time i need it, without having to go far.

Also a small walk to town or to my Grams...even work, if i felt like leaving my car behind every now and then.

Anyway...i have a meeting with the owner this saturday, to discuss specifics and then the place is free from the end of July - plenty of time to sort through my things.

I'm excited. A little nervous, but excited.

I'm worried i won't be able to park properly (i'm cruddy at parallel parking and it's all street parking) and i'm definately going to have to try cooking properly - but i think i'll do a trip to Ikea when i get paid, the week before i move in, and get myself a ton of stuff - some nice curtains and bedsets and some tupaware tubs - then i can bulk cook and store it in the fridge - i have one all to myself - how good is that?!

So, that's my big news. Not all of it though, not really.

I got my new bike through the cycle to work scheme and it's real pretty, a classic looking silver and white thing with a super comfy seat and the name Etienne scrawled across it.

I went all out and got some nice torch lights fitted, some purple flashing wheel valve lights and a bright pink chrome bottle holder and bottle. I'm such a girl - also got an extendable stand and some chunky silver pedals fitted - making it a bit more grungy. Oh and a lock that my brother keeps stealing.

He got a new bike aswell. Mostly cause i managed to convince my Ma to let him. Though when we went to pick them up from Halfords with my bike rack we couldn't fit them on it! Was a bit of a disaster - Lewis had to cycle home while we squeezed mine into my car with the back seats down and the passenger seat pushed all the way forward and bent over.

Made me a tad bit nervous driving like that, but what the hell. Now i need to think of another way to transport the bikes to the country park cause i'm not cycling on the road. Nu uh.

The weather lately has been so hot. So so hot. It's kinda crazy. For England any way.

Beautiful though - i love driving along listening to summery music with all my windows rolled down and my shades hiding my face - but not my smile.

I put my todo list on my front seat after work the other day, (i always have one of these - don't know what i'd do without it - my memory's so shite) and forgot about it, then when i accelerated suddenly i saw a flutter of paper and crazily swerved trying to save it. I did save it...lol. I also nearly killed myself for a piece of hand written paper....hmmm.

Talking of my car...it's broken! Well not quite broken, but the engine warning light lit up earlier today when i was collecting my Ma from the station and the car felt so sluggish i was really starting to worry.

We read the car manual and it suggests a fuel injection problem, which can cost about �500 to fix at a Citroen garage - i don't even have �50 to spare for fixing it! Eek...but then, when i sat down and thought about it some more, i realised that i'm still 12 days away from the expiry of my dealership's warranty. THANK GOD. So tomorrow i'm ringing them and getting them to sort it out. Phew. Crisis averted.

Scary how little i've thought about the possibility of my car needing fixing though. Maybe i should make a contingency plan, just in case.

Took Lewis to the Job Centre yesterday - nasty place. We didn't find much, just one sunday job in Boots. We applied online for a similar position today, just on saturday instead, so hopefully he'l get that.

Just going to browse Sainsbury's and Tesco's websites in a minute for more opportunities for him.

I find it amusing that my Ma is so reluctant to help him, and so unconcerned about him having a job when it was practically an ultimatum for me when i was 16.

Very fair.

I haven't spoken to Lynn much, i think maybe she's offended by a message i sent her the other day, asking if it was possible for her husband to maybe not come to the Prodigy concert....it just makes more sense to me is all.

Been watching the football on TV lately, and boy were we awful. Watching Spain and Portugal at the minute - i'm on Spain's side. But we'l see.

Watched some of the acts that were on in Glastonbury yesterday, and i've decided it's a must do for the future. I'll add it to my list of 'experiences to have before i die'. It can join bungee jumping and skinny dipping.

Oh yeah, i'm a wild child.

You know, i really have a silly sense of humour. And i wish i could keep a straight face - thing is, i know it's funny, so i'm laughing before i've done the deed, or even told the joke.

My mind's too vivid. Such a shame.

Getting some decent overtime in at the minute - totally a relief, don't want to have to worry about money anymore than i have to.

Odd day at work today - got stuck serving one person for nearly an hour, but he was really sweet and thanked me for my patience and determination. Boo yah.

And i kept getting enquiries - loads of reservations and refunds and even lost property searches. And i tracked down everything too...how weird.

So, the biggest news i guess, is the antics of my step father. My brother's dad.

He hasn't spoken to my brother in three months. I bump into him at the local shop (he lives across the roundabout from us, maybe a 2 minutes walk if you're dwardling) and next thing you know, he's turning up outside our house in his brand new Mercedes AMG thingy (we really don't know where he's got the money from...or perhaps we just don't want to know) beeping his horn and shouting at my brother.

This has happened three times so far, yesterday when he parked up outside blaring his horn, i was the only one home, so i ignored him for a few minutes - just out of stubborness - then proceeded to open the door giving him a questioning look.

He's cancelled my brother's phone contract and was spouting a load of rubbish about Lewis not using his phone anymore so it's been deactvated and he now needs it for the puk code. What an idiot.

Lewis though, has unfortunately lost the phone. His dad doesn't know this yet, but we're hoping he doesn't react like a maniac.

In the three years we've lived here, (me nearly two) his Dad has taken heed of our warnings to stay away. After the death threats, and me going ape shit at his behaviour, he backed off. But now he's back, with jebus posters covering the walls of his house and print outs of bible quotes in his car - telling my brother that his judgement day is coming and he has only one chance left to be a part of the family. Telling him that he has some kind of miracle blood from his father. Confusing him. Scaring him.

My Ma's worried he might decide he has nothing to live for and do something stupid before offing himself. She's worried he might try to hurt one of us, presumably her.

We have to lock the back gate now - we think he stole Lewis's old bike to teach him a lesson. We even have to lock all the front windows, just in case.

He could have a key. Lewis left his keys there all the time, he could have easily made a copy.

It makes me a bit nervous. Especially when i remember the things he was saying before, about biding his time, about getting me and Ma back for walking out of his life. About waiting for his perfect opportunity to make us pay.

It makes you wonder really, how do we know he won't do something stupid?

You read about it every day. People who just snap. Lose it, just for a minute. And then destroy everything in their path.

He's really not right at the moment. I can see it. Ma can see it. Even Lewis can see it. He doesn't want to have to see him, but he doesn't want to completely cut him off. It's a difficult situation at best.

I seriously question the women in this family. Do they have no taste whatsoever? I seriously question what kind of people i'm going to attract in the future.

My Grandfather was a gangster lowlife who tried to poison my Grams and stole a fricking plane, my Dad's a crackhead whore who spends more time in prison than out and my Stepdad's a violent religious nut.

My mum's as maternal as a lioness and my Grams is as naive as a newborn child. And sometimes as irritating.

Is it really any wonder i have issues? Really?!

Who the hell would want to be involved with me? With a history like that, and believe me that's like a few grains of sand from my outrageous memory bank, who could seriously want to know me?!

God, everyone in my life is so messed up. Even my youngest Auntie and Uncle. She slit her wrists a few years ago and really still hasn't recovered and he's severely bipolar to the point of trying to get on planes with no ticket and my Ma having to drive hundreds of miles to rescue him.

We're such a fucking mess.

They say that everyone has a story inside them. I could fill a library with what's in my head. I seriously could.

So, besides all my bullshit.

Money situation isn't too bad - getting better. Dieting starts on thursday, along with gym time. New home in a month or so - and a reorganised life. And hopefully college in september. Though i am decidedly lonely on the friend front....ah what the hell. I'll make some new friends somehow...you can always make new friends.

Oh and Lorna and me are still getting on great. She's been really supportive lately and i appreciate it so much :-)

I read this story on fanfiction (yes i spend a lot of time reading fanfiction because i am infact rather sad) about a brother and sister and how twisted the relationship can become when there is a neglecting parent. And i don't mean twisted in a incestious way, that's just plain wrong, i mean confusing - because when you have a sibling that is more of a parent to you, it's hard to know where to draw the lines in arguments and conversations, and when you feel like a parent to a sibling, it's hard to turn off the protectiveness and the easy hurt during the sibling sniping.

It's amazing how messed up we become from the smallest of things really. But this story made a lot of sense to me.

At least we know how to detach without ever not being there for each other. At least we know we have one person we can always always count on. Always. Even when i want to bash his brains in - i'd do it lovingly.