We drove back early and got in late last night so i've spent all day just relaxing...i unpacked and then slept a little while in my lovely comfy bed.

I did my mountain of washing, sorted through a ton of downloads and set some more up, checked out all the news i'd missed on websites while i was away, checked my accounts and did an Asda food order online.

Popped to the corner shop for some essentials...like grape soda and galaxy chocolate.

Had to do a bleedin' system restore earlier because my PC contracted some more viruses...if that's even possible.

Just been watching Grey's Anatomy reruns and reading fanfiction. As sad as i am....i've totally missed doing it.

The holiday was...well it didn't really feel like a holiday at all.

The drive down was sort of fun, possibly because we were all super excited to be going away...and even though it took 8 hours i felt okay. Granted i was probably sloshing with all the coffee and redbull from the early start.

We danced and sang and munched and played silly games with other cars.

Leap frog with Ma's car and fake picture taking with stranger's...one woman even held up her dog for a photo.

It was great being with everyone. I got on a lot better with Anika and Elisha than i ever have done.

My littlest cousin Adam seemed to be acting stranger than normal and has developed a habit of non stop questioning, which would be cute in a 5 year old, but his 12 year old self was so close to being beaten away with a stick at times it was funny.

My aunt was a bit of a back seat driver, telling me to slow down at times...ugh.

I didn't like driving around down there much, all the fricking hills were hell on my poor little engine, over loaded with people as it was.

The caravan was awful. No privacy. Hardly any room. Cold and drafty. You could seriously hear every sound from the next room.

We all agreed - barring my Aunt Mandy who is in love with that particular part of Cornwall - that we wouldn't be going back again - there or to another caravan park.

There was just nothing to do.

The weather was okay for a few days and then after that it was just a typical wet and windy english summer.

I feel like i spent the whole week wasting time.

I only managed to read one book - though it was pretty spectacular.

Philip Pullman's The Good Man Jesus And The Scoundrel Christ.

It gave me a lot to think about and i'm really glad i bought it.

Usually any book with religious connotations would have me quickly putting it down and hurriedly walking away, but i thought i'd give Pullman the benefit of the doubt - and i was right.

It gave an excellent alternative to the bible...it all made much more sense and was superbly written in Pullman's dry and witty way.

He made me laugh and he made me question my hatred of religion.

I still abhor the church in it's many corrupt forms - but i think that's what he's getting at.

The belief in a God and goodness itself doesn't have to be under the stricture of a united body of rules. It doesn't have to be like that at all...and maybe that's where we all went wrong.

I felt bad for Jesus...and i loved how he began to question the coming of God's holy land. His doubt touched me.

It all came down to faith and love.

Now i'm not saying i'm a Christian now. I'm still an Athiest. But Philip Pullman's story was something i could believe in...and it made me want to believe in God.

It made me wish i had that faith.

Now aside from the crappy accomodation and shoddy holiday spot...it was lovely for us all to be together again. I got my tattoo done yesterday too.

It's beautiful.

I think so anyway.

I plucked up the courage to ask a woman in an art gallery in Looe where she had got hers done and she pointed me in the right direction.

And she was totally right. The dude that did mine was awesome, hot too - not that it made a difference.

I got this beautiful celtic tree of life on my inner right wrist. I'd spent ages trying to find the perfect one online and printed it off ages ago.

I got the words 'Othello 1.1.64' written underneath, right on the cuff of my wrist.

The tree is to represent many things really - life, death, birth, the cycle of nature, endurance, belief, knowledge, strength...but mostly family. I wanted it to represent everything i hold dear.

The words i got tattooed refer to a quote from Shakespeare's Othello by Iago...he says 'But i will wear my heart upon my sleeve' and goes on to say 'For the Daws to peck at. I am not what i am'.

It just seemed....perfect. It had 'me' written all over it.

I love my new tattoo. Even the tattooist told me he thought it was nice...unusual.

It's good to be back home at any rate.

Think i'm going to make more of an effort to pop down to see Nika and the kids.

After all they are only an hour away and i really enjoy spending time with them. I just feel comfortable being myself around them. More so than i do with my Ma at any rate.

I'm hoping this isn't just a statement i make and i actually try to make more of an effort.

Lynn rang me today...and i don't know what it was but i just really didn't want to talk to her.

She was moaning at me for not being there when she dropped the puppy back with my brother, but i didn't see why i should be.

I don't live there anymore and the favour was for them not for me.

She started pushing at it too, wanting to know why i didn't want to be there to greet the puppy.

And i just though to myself...what the fuck?

It's not my dog, and i don't even like dogs really. They're nice and everything, just not for me.

I just got peeved about her attitude i think.

Sometimes i think we're on a totally different wave length.

It makes being friends hard.

I'm hoping it won't always be like this. But i've gone beyond trying to stay friends with people who don't make my life any easier.

I've only just come to realise that it's not so strange to be alone.

That although it's scary and it means there's a lot of things i'm too nervous to do on my own....it's normal.

It's okay to be on my own. It really is.

Some people go through their whole lives being alone.

People start over all the time. They move away from friends and family and build there own lives.

Maybe that's something i'll do one day...who knows.

But i have my family. As messed up as they are. Those of them that are in my heart are irreplaceable.

I'll always have them there.

I can build my own life anywhere i choose because my home is where my heart is. And my heart is on my sleeve.

It's okay to admit to being lonely. I am, afterall, only human.

Anyway...the drive home was slightly more boring.

I had all the kids in my car and we managed to get lost.

Some lorry cut me up on the motorway right as i meant to turn off so we ended up seperating from the other car and going off on a ton of A roads...and we still managed to beat them to London.

Thank god for Sat Nav.

Justin needed to pee every five seconds. In the end we made him use an empty coke bottle and would you believe the nutter nearly filled it...weird.

I'm glad i've done the long journey...so i know what it's like...but i don't think i'll be racing to do it again anytime soon.

Were thinking of renting a villa abroad for the family next year, maybe Spain...and the year after that we're going to spend 2 weeks in Cuba. How awesome would that be?!

Going to book early to get it cheaper for Anika. She won't be able to afford it otherwise.

I've decided not to go to Morocco.

I just feel really apprehensive about it all. Uncomfortable at the idea of being in that country on my own. And i guess fearful that it's a waste of time and i won't have anything to do...just like in Cornwall.

I'm going to check up on my accounts and see if i can afford a last minute deal.

Somewhere different for the week. Athens or Egpyt or Bulgaria or even Montenegro.

A place that will be beautiful and have a few tourist attractions for me to visit. I don't want to spend my whole time reading. I want to get out and soak up some culture and if i have my new camera by then i want to fill my memory card up with awesome pictures.

I want some peace and quiet. I want that thrill of being somewhere unknown.

But i want to feel secure.

I'm thinking that if i pick somewhere self catering then i don't have to worry about looking all lonely in the hotel resturaunt and i can eat out in the day.

I'd still like to see Morocco some day though.

And i still can't decide what to do about the Linkin Park tickets.

One part of me desperately wants to go and see them...but i don't want to go on my own...and i don't know who i can go with...*sighs* I'll just have to think about it some more.

I guess the only other eventful thing in my week was the let down of another male family member.

This time my Uncle James.

He sent my Grams some horrible messages on her birthday and i'd decided i'd had enough. I don't like staying quiet when i feel there's an injustice being committed.

I replied to the texts and all i got for my trouble was some vicious comments about me being a 'disrespectful obese bitch'.

How utterly fucking disappointing.

Another waste of space family member.

I told myself i wouldn't be upset by it. But i cried.

Why are they all so heartbreakingly useless?

And why oh why does it always come down to weight?

Is there nothing else people can find to comment on except my size?

Is the extent of their insulting vocabulary purely limited to visual pointers.

So i'm fat.

Doesn't make me a worse person.

Doesn't make me a better person.

Pointing it out is low. It makes you a worse person. It makes you a thoroughly stupid person.

It makes you not worth another one of my thoughts.

Is it awful that the only men i respect are younger than me and can hardly be called men yet?

No wonder i have problems. I invented daddy issues.

What hurts the most....is that i'm ashamed to be so fat.

I still let it hurt me. I'm still embarrassed by myself.

And i still haven't managed to start sorting myself out.

God i irritate the shit out of myself.

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