Not bullied exactly.

But there's definately some childish nastiness occuring.

The new debate topic for this weeks discussion has only just been chosen.

All week i've been working with Tasha to choose something worthwhile and all the guys have been stalling us at every turn.

Last week Chris practically attacked me over my views on murder and violence.

I respected his opinions. I did more than that. I completely saw it from his view point and didn't discourage it by any means.

But he basically called me a hypocrite and proceeded to try and dissect everything i said.

To me, murder isn't okay under any circumstances - but i accept that sometimes it is inevitable.

But still i believe it should be avoided at all costs.

I know it happens in war - but i mostly don't believe in war either.

It depends on the consequences either way really.

But i certainly don't believe in capital punishment.

If someone has taken a life they deserve a life sentance in jail. And i mean a life time - not 25 years.

And not the way jails are now. I mean solitary confinement style.

But i don't think we have the right to kill them.

That's making us just as bad as them. And it's an easy way out.

I accept that in self defense someone may be murdered, and although it's not okay, it's inevitable.

Chris has the opposite view of me of course. Everyone should be killed - especially paedophiles.

And because i disagree that automatically means i don't have a heart.

It means that i couldn't possibly have anyone young in my life to have such mild attitudes.

It's so frustrating.

And it makes me sick that people can treat other people so disrespectfully.

Yes i believe paedophiles and rapists are revolting and they should be castrated and locked in padded cells.

But murdered? No. I just don't agree with it.

He asked me what i would do if someone attacked me with the full intent of killing me.

I said i would do whatever i could to get them away from me - but i would never intentionally aim to kill.

I want to live just as much as the next person.

I just don't think death is the answer.

I told him i valued my brother's life more than my own and that, even for him, i wouldn't intentionally murder.

But i would defend him with every breath i had left in me. I would injure and maim - even if that means accidently killing.

And i would face the consequences of my actions.

Morally i would feel broken about it.

He then called me a pacifist.

I'm not a pacifist. Not in the purest sense.

But it was said with a sneer.

And it just made me want to call myself a pacifist, if just to prove that there's nothing wrong with that attitude.

We're all allowed to have our own opinions. Forcing them on others...belittling their ideals is just not okay.

And then...after all of this...he started to tell me that i couldn't say that i wouldn't murder someone because i hadn't got a clue what i would do in the situation if it actually occured.

And i'm like...did you not just ask me a hypothetical question? Did you not think that perhaps my answer was hypothetical.

I realise that what i think i might do and what i actually do could be complete opposites. But i'm happy in my assumptions.

And although i put on a brave face and i thought i was okay with it. I felt so worn down and sad afterwards.

Now the topic for this week has been chosen. By the guys of course.

'Is the rejection of all violence a valid principle by which to live?'

Is it absurd of me to feel threatened? To feel like this is going to be half an hour of people ganging up on me to try and take me down a peg or two?

As much as i just want to scream at them. I even felt like crying when they told me. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

I'll research my ass off tomorrow and i'll present valid reasons and let them chew on them.

We're being graded on this and if they decide to bully me then i hope she sees it and puts them in their place.

At least there are a few decent people in my group that will probably side with me so i'm not entirely on my own.

But Chris and his best buddie Harry are going to be digging pins in me at every turn.

It's a good job i'm not bloody inflatable really.

I was planning on going to Hatfield tomorrow to see HP again as it's an inset day.

But i think my college work should take precedence.

HP can wait until the weekend. With any luck my cinema card might still be working and i won't even have to pay.

Just because i got a good grade, doesn't mean i can start slacking.

That's another thing i'm getting irritated about.

I get a good grade and everyone seems to get pissed off at me.

I'm not allowed to smile about it.

I'm not allowed to speak about it.

I should just pretend it never happened because some of them can't seem to manage above a pass.

*sighs* It makes me sound so big headed too.

But...god...wouldn't you just be so happy and proud if you did well?

I'm not happy because others failed.

I'm not as competitive as people think i am. I'm not joyous because i got one up on someone.

I'm not like that.

I'm happy because i'm proving to myself that i'm not filled with air.

I'm proving to myself that i can do this. I can be great if i just let myself be.

I don't have a ton of support coming from my parents. It's just me there for encouragement.

So i give myself plenty. Without rubbing it in with others.

And all they do is stare at me resentfully.

I'm human. Some of my grades are going to be shit.

Just let me celebrate the good ones.

So when i get the bad ones - i can look back on those good grades and the happiness i felt - and tell myself that it's okay. I can do this.

I can do this.

Whether they mutter geek at me everytime i do something good.

I can frickin' well do this.

The Perishers - My Heart

Fanfiction (I'm sad)

Sometimes i'd just like to cut all ties. Run away if you like. Live a free roaming life. I wish i had romany blood.