I feel bone tired today, and there really isn't any excuse, considering i slept tul half 11.

Not stopping the frequent yawns though.

Everyone must have gone away for the weekend, so i'm back in spooksville...keeping a light switched on on every floor.

Least it'l be quiet enough for me to think properly.

I'm still trying to get used to how nice Ma is being towards me.

I guess it really is just the three of us now.

I'm looking forward to Halkidiki in May. It's the first time - aside from living together for a year - that we'l have spent any quality time with just the three of us.

I love that feeling you get when you wake up and you know you're nowhere near home and you haven't got to worry about anything for a while.

I get so impatient to explore, and so excited to experience; i'm running to the shower and pulling clothes with me, before i've even fully woken up.

Speaking of...two things i really need to sort out this weekend, are my gym membership and my babysitting adverts.

I'll be miserable if i feel fat, and i won't even be going if i don't get some extra money together.

I've been thinking about the silence that's stretching between all of us, wondering if the guilt i feel is because i always feel guilty, or because i am actually wrong.

But, is it so wrong to dislike someone, even if they are your family?

Is it wrong to believe in different things and stand up for what you believe?

Is it wrong to distance yourself?

Is it wrong...to walk away?

I don't think it is. But then, i'm not always right.

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt either. It does. And i feel lonely.

I remember the times Grams was there for me when Ma wasn't.

I remember wishing i had someone i could talk to growing up and her being the only one there, the only one who'd listen.

But now i'm older, i know what she's like, and i know why she does the things she does.

And she disgusts me. Her behaviour disgusts me.

I just don't know how i feel about it all anymore. It's ruined the bond i thought i had with her.

Slowly but surely a poison has seeped into our ties and i don't know if they'l survive.

But then, i forgave Ma didn't i?

Or did i *frowns*

I'm getting fed up of having to forgive people.

Is it really supposed to be like this?

I don't ask for forgiveness for the things that i do. Why should i keep having to hand out mine?

Everyone does something to weaken me, they all feed off me and give nothing back but empty promises.

Lewis doesn't. Lewis always makes me stronger.

I wish leaving the country didn't mean leaving him.

It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

And the boy wants to be a police officer...that really stops me worrying now doesn't it.

I swear to god. If anyone feckin' did something to him...i'd hunt them down with a pickaxe and laugh while i chopped them to pieces. Little bit by little bit.

Prison ent' so bad if it's serving time for something that will stop you splintering.

I'm sure i'd be able to find some relative inside to keep me company anyway.

*howls with laughter*

Life is so messy.

I thought about writing to Dad again.

Prison must be lonely, and i don't think he hears from my other siblings.

Except my prick of an older brother.

*sighs* I don't know why i do this to myself. I don't know why, after all these years, i'm still seeking approval from him.

It's so confusing. And i wish there was someone, anyone, who understood the way i felt about all of them, that could tell me what to do.

Am i being stupid? Do people read this and want to smack me round the face and tell me to stop it?

I want to smack myself round the face and tell myself to stop it.

Stop caring about people that do this to you.

You walked away, you don't have to care anymore.

Do you?

*big sighs*

I'm so moody i had Dr Pepper and a chocolate bar for breakfast. Ugh.

I got curious last night and found a website that explained the Sagittarian personality.

Is it weird that i thought it could sound like me?

Always restless, quick tempered, always laughing and smiling, optimistic, imaginative, craves freedom, easily bored, truthful, honourable, always saying what's on your mind even if it gets you in trouble, over-analysing, blunt, over-confident, intellectual, philosophical, careless, ambitious, generous, idealistic etc etc

Sagittarians know how to be outspoken and exactly what expressions will hurt their adversaries most.

Shit. That's exactly what i do when i heat up real quick at someone.

Another side of the religiosity which is a danger in Sagittarians is superstition.

This made me pee myself with laughter. I always jump over the third drain and i hate seeing magpies.

But maybe i just see myself in it because i want to?

I don't really know anymore.

The archer symbol is pretty cool anyway.

I found this picture of me and Becky and i cracked up. That's so like us.

It's really grainy. But whatever.

Omg. Scrap being a Sagittarian. I just used this website to enter all of my details in and it told me the position on all the planets when i was born....and this stuck out at me like a sore thumb.

-7 Square Moon - Uranus

She has a feverish, non-constructive restlessness. She is too susceptible. Her life is full of change. She is irritable and stubborn at times due to an inner restlessness that is hard to satisfy. She has difficulty concentrating on a job. Nervous strain. Her friendships are like her professional and love life - sometimes unstable. There is a strong need for closeness, but when people get too close, she gets cagey, as she values personal freedom just as much.

I'm just gunna copy and paste the whole thing in another entry so i can read it again sometime...so you might not wanna bother reading the next entry.

Ha. I just thought of something that made me smile.

I saw a glint of yellow on Chris's wrist in English, so i grabbed at his sleeve...and he was wearing that silly yellow star elastic band i gave him before christmas.

He just smiled and said 'I always wear it.'. I just thought that was so sweet.

I heart people sometimes.