It's been a while hey? Well, a while by my standards anyhow.

I started this thing a year ago today - I�m glad I�m still writing in it - it was touch and go for a little bit in the beginning, but I�m here all the time now. Pretty much.

I'm all antsy today though, admittedly.

I got paid my HB and JSA this morning (thank goodness really)...neither of which is going on rent; so i indulged in a big fresh food shop.

When i got back home and unpacked it all, my mind was so busy, that before i knew it I�d turned into some crazy Suzy homemaker.

I'd done all the washing up, wiped the entire kitchen down with anti-bacterial wipes, emptied all the bins and put them out, swept the floor, sorted through the recycling, put all the dish cloths in the washing machine with my clothes and got clean ones out.

Then i was hungry as well as distracted; so i made a plate of French toast, grabbed a glass of milk and skulked off to my room.

At least i can laugh at my behaviour sometimes...a distracted over-analysing Rachael, means a busy Rachael.

Which is exactly what i need to be this weekend - busy.

Aside from catching up on some much needed sleep, if possible that is, i have so many little jobs that i just want to get out of the way.

I don't need any more distractions right now. I really don't.

My food shop was fun at any rate. I know most people generally run into the store, whiz round and grab what they need and are out the door in twenty minutes or less.

I've never been like that. I can spend hours in there, going down every single aisle, mulling over every single choice. Ma hates shopping. This is definitely something me and Grams have mutually bonded over.

My ex used to tell me that i could make any sort of shopping fun (for myself that is, it's never as much fun for other people). And he was right - for once.

I don't mind what I�m shopping for - shopping is shopping; and i love it all the same. Though book and food shopping is the funnest.

I decided to go as healthy as possible. Starting tomorrow, I�m going to be an angel in the kitchen. I say tomorrow 'cause you know that coffee cake I�ve got in the cupboard is getting munched tonight.

I'm comfort eating. Which is a really bad thing, only i don't have the heart to stop myself tonight. I need something to cheer me up slightly, before i bully myself into being a health freak.

The biggest reason I�m not happy right now? Tivi.

We fell out...obviously. It sounds so trite when i say we 'fell out'...like it was some sort of little upset that will resolve itself the next time we speak.

It's not going to.

I don't trust her anymore, and more than anything else, there needs to be trust for friendship to exist.

It started off harmless really.

She'd been skipping a lot of college and letting down all the people she should be doing group work with.

I remembered how nasty she was with me over the whole Psychology assignment thing. When i was struggling to get myself into the right mind frame to do my work, she was telling me off and making me feel even worse.

No matter what i said, she failed to understand that i wasn't doing it on purpose. I was at my worst restless stage in a long time and i couldn't find the words to explain that.

So i figured it couldn't hurt to say something to her next time we spoke. She clearly thought it was okay to lecture me over my actions (which affected no one but me), so i figured a few words of warning in her direction wouldn't go amiss.

She happened to ring me when i was sitting in the LRC with all the different groups...she'd skipped college again that day.

So i brought it up, and it went sour real quick. She asked me why i was saying anything, demanding to know who had said what to me and why i was taking a shitty attitude about it all.

I refused to name names and i explained that i thought she should know that she was neglecting people. It was a friendly warning, much the same as she decided the Psychology debacle was a friend helping out a friend.

Then she had to go and lie. She had to go and twist personal knowledge she knew about my past and mix it up with something she's seen me do and interpreted in the wrong way.

Tivi: "Well you said you were going to kill yourself over Psychology."
Me:...."What did you just say?"
Tivi: "You said you were going to kill yourself."
Me: More stunned silence. "I have NEVER said that to you. NEVER."
Tivi: "Yes you did."
Me: "I'm telling you now, those words have never left my lips."
Tivi: Sarcastic tone "Yeah, okay, i must have imagined it."
Me: "I can't even speak to you right now."
Dial tone.

And then, what does she do? She rings Chris, who is sitting right next to me and heard the whole thing.

And she starts ranting about me. And suddenly it clicked. I understood why Chris mentioned suicide to me the other day, why he quickly back tracked and pretended he'd done nothing odd.

I was so angry when i hung up. So angry.

I thought back to the times when i was forced to see a counsellor for my 'anger issues', and i remembered exactly how it felt.

I had a lot to be angry about as a teenager, and i feel like, as an adult, i have even more things to be angry about.

I know exactly where she got that from. Exactly how her puny brain managed to come to that conclusion. And it makes me feel sick.

I trusted her.

I told her how hard i found it sometimes, how i had days where i didn't want to get up, days where i couldn't look in the mirror, days where i refused to place my mind in reality where it belongs.

I told her how I�ve always been like this. For as long as i can remember. How death doesn't seem like the end to me, just another kind of beginning.

How, when i was a stupid teenager, i used to hurt myself because it made me feel better. How I�d cut myself with razor blades and I�d forever have the scars to remind myself not to do it.

And this is what she does with that information?

This is what a friend does?!?!

So what if i wikapediaed suicide when i was fucking bored before Christmas. Get over it.

Is that illegal now?

If i googled fascist, does that make me one? If i googled mass murderers, does that mean I�m planning to become one?

I have a morbid fascination sometimes. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I really don't.

Death is a part of life, it's not its opposite.

Being curious about how many people managed to kill themselves whilst drowning in a bath tub, doesn't mean I�m about to fill her up and sink myself, now does it.

*sighs*

It's just so fucking frustrating. How narrow minded and spiteful people can be.

Is she really that dense? Are people in general really that naive?

I want to not care. I want to acknowledge that some people just don�t have the capacity to understand anyone remotely different to them. I want to shrug it off and laugh at how blinded they really are.

How they�re living a half-life because they fail to see the beauty in everything. Because they fail to see the possibilities that I see.

But I�m so angry I can�t make myself do it.

And I�m starting to question myself. My instincts and my intuitions. Yet again.

How can I be so wrong about people? I mean, really?!?!

This isn�t the first time I�ve trusted someone and had that trust thrown back in my face. The ways these people find to betray me aren�t even creative. Maybe I could respect them if they were, but they�re not.

It�s like the only way people seem to be able to hit out at me is to turn something they know about me around and lie. They always lie.

And sometimes I get so paranoid I start to doubt myself. I start to doubt what I�ve done and said. But I know who I am. I know exactly what I�ve said and done and I know they�re lying. I just can�t understand why.

Jeez. The list is atrociously long. In the past two years�.

My dad, step dad and uncle have all used swear words and disgustingly nasty names to get at me, because I chose to tell the truth.

My sister, Lisa, John, Sam and now Tivi have all made up lies and accused me of things I didn�t do, because they don�t like the things I have to say.

Lynn and Richard just stopped talking to me. Fuck if I know what I did to deserve that.

Every single one of them was close to me � family and best friends. I loved every single one of them. I tried, I really really tried. But somehow, they all found convenient ways to betray me. They all managed to touch really sensitive facets of my personality in the fall out or lack of one, parts I wish they hadn�t. Parts I couldn�t forgive them for.

And I�m scared that it�s something I�m doing again.

Why is it so hard for people to hear the truth? Why do they lash out and hurt me, and then expect me to forgive, just like that?

I�m not built that way. I have enough abandonment and trust issues to last several lifetimes, and instead of them dying down over the years, people are feeding them. They�ve gotten impossibly large and I don�t know how to control them anymore.

I�m no fucking lion tamer. Yet I�ve got a lion inside of me and it�s roaring to get even. To hurt them like they�ve hurt me.

What in the hell am I supposed to do?

*sighs again*

I thought that I�d gotten away from all of this. I thought that by leaving those family members and those ex friends behind, that I was starting out afresh. But nasty people � they�re everywhere. They�re always going to try and trip you up and that�s something I�ve got to learn to live with.

But is it too much to ask, that they only come at me once in a blue moon? How do I manage to attract so very many of them?

God, I was born into one seriously fucked up family.

A Grandfather who steals planes, poisons people and runs with gangsters like the Cray�s. A Grandmother who is irrational and neglectful and a serial wife and baby maker. A father who steals anything, beats women and is addicted to crack. A mother, who up until recently, forgot she even had children. A plethora or uncles and aunts � murderers, assaulters, drug dealers, drug addicts, gangsters, mentally unstable and prostitutes. And that�s not even the feckin� half of it.

Friends are like your second family. So why does my second family have to be as fucked up as the first? Is that karma coming at me for something I�ve done in a past life? Hardly well feckin� balanced now is it. What did I do? Rape and plunder my way across a continent or something?

Jeez. I seriously doubt the world sometimes. Everything and everyone.

But, aside from this, everything is going well.

*laughs*

Ma has been the best mother I�ve ever had, these past few weeks. Few months really.

She wrote me in on her card and present to my cousin Adam, because I haven�t got the money to buy him the usual gift card.

She leant me money and doesn�t mind when she gets it back.

She�s offered to drive us to Winchester for the University open day on the 26th. Regardless of the fact I haven�t got in yet, if at all.

And she�s being supportive.

So for those reasons, I�m partially ecstatic. I can cope on my own, I know that, but sometimes it�s nice to know there�s someone looking out for you, rather than you looking out for everyone else, including yourself.

And she�s being my Mom. We all need one of those every now and then, it�s never too late to change.

I�ve been a bit of a hermit around the house � more so than usual the past few weeks, and I�ve started to feel bad.

I knocked on Zowie�s door earlier in an effort to not lock myself away. It was only to ask about the humungous gas bill we got through the other day, and how we�re going to pay it off (�30 extra each, every month apparently), but that�s better than staying silent.

Simon�s got some chicks round, they seem nice enough. I keep throwing catty remarks his way in an effort to see if he understands them, I�d better stop though �cause he might start thinking I don�t like him, and I don�t need the house atmosphere to be funny. It�s nice how it is.

Chris is absent, and he�d borrowed my airer, which I needed after the washing I did earlier, so I had to fold all his boxers and take them to his room instead. That boy has some really funny underwear. He won�t mind though � most easy going one of the lot.

Plus I bought a load of toilet paper and washing up liquid for the house � and I did the cleaning. I�m a good housemate, I�ll give myself that much. If a slightly anti-social one.

I�m completely up to date on all college work. My Psychology went okay in the end, I don�t know if its distinction level, I�ve given up trying to work that stuff out, but it should be a Merit. I�m happy with whatever really.

I�ve got my Marxism poster and presentation ready to go; I can�t find it in me to be too nervous, especially as I�m doing it in a group and some people stand up there and shake and don�t move their eyes from the piece of paper at all. I�m not much better, but it�s nice to know there�s worse than me all the same. Plus it�s only for five minutes or so. He�s an ass so he�ll probably grade the majority of us at just Pass. No way is anyone getting a Distinction off that fucker and I�m not even going to try.

The Hitler presentation is raring to go. There wasn�t enough time to do it today so we�ll be doing it next week, but again it�s a group presentation, and Tasha will help me out if I start to mumble. She�s good like that.

The Hitler assignment officially got set today. I need to go and find some more books in the library really, intentionalist and structuralist historian opinions are proving a bitch to find. I know I�ve gotta put some effort in with this one if I want another Distinction. She may love me, but she�s going to grade fair.

Psychology will get set soon enough, but that won�t be too hard � it�s almost a repeat of our first assignment, only their views and research on child development. And we�ve got the questions for the Othello assignment in English. We had to choose between three, which I thought was so much better, �cause this way we�ll all be doing something a bit different and I can�t be asked to help as many people.

Though I have decided I�m not helping anyone anymore. Well, I�ll probably end up eating my own words, but I�ve got to start putting my own work as the first and foremost priority.

Maths is going just as smoothly as it was in the beginning. It was another mind fuck lesson to start with. All equations and standard form and just fuck my life all over again. But I did it. I got it done in record time and even Mark got his handed back, but I got the shiz right the first time around. And then proceeded to explain it to Chris and Tasha, who in turn explained in to Neets and Harry. Mwahaha.

Psychology we�ve just been watching videos on deprived children�and monkeys. A bit weird, but interesting all the same. Sociology was cancelled � probably because it was inspection week and he�s the shittiest teacher around.

In English, Chris pulled me round to his side of the table so we could share my book and use the index to find useful quotes. We also spent far too much time passing notes to each other, which he decided to keep, claiming it took us two hours so it was worth keeping. Silly boy.

I also read Mike�s English assignment that lesson, and I really liked it. I wrote him a note telling him so too. Sometimes it�s painful to read other peoples work � it just lacks any passion or intellect. Like they�ve read spark notes and dumbed it down as best they could. But it was a pleasure to read something original.

I feel bad for doubting Mike�s grade in the beginning. He got a Distinction you see, and I think I let my competitive side get the better of me, when I started thinking he copied me. That, and the fact he asked for my completed assignment again, in editing form, when I sent it so it was �read only��and the fact he hasn�t got a Distinction before and this seemed to be the hardest one for everyone else.

But I was wrong. He did it and it was entirely his own work. I actually felt so shitty for doubting him, and for reading it because I couldn�t stop doubting him. It would serve me right if he didn�t wanna speak to me again. But Mike and I get on well. Two of a kind in some respects.

He knows about the whole Tivi shit and shared the same view as me. Saying the stuff before I could even articulate how I felt about it. Guy�s smart, what can I say.

Last week (at least I think it was last week) I told him about the degree I wanted to do at Winchester, and now he wants to do it too. It�s funny really, �cause as soon as I explained what it was all about, he had the same reaction as me. It just felt like the perfect course for me, and he said the same.

He�s going to try and apply through UCAS Extra I think, and I hope he gets in. But more importantly, at least in my eyes, I hope that I get in. Wouldn�t it be funny if we both ended up at Winchester, sharing half of our degree?

Nothing has showed up on my UCAS yet. Which feels odd. Even if I have the letter from Hull, I�m slightly panicky.

I just want Winchester. Please god, give me Winchester. I don�t want to go all the way there and find the open day was a waste of time �cause they don�t want me. But my fingers are still crossed�glued together too.

I got an email from London Met, who � despite the fact I�m not applying for them anymore � are demanding I send them some writing pieces so they can assess whether or not they want me. I kind of told them where to shove it. But at the same time, it got me thinking. What if Winchester, or one of the others, wants some writing off me?

I�m so dense I haven�t even thought about the nature of the degree I�m applying to do. So I�ve looked at what London Met was asking for, and I�m going to make sure I have that work handy, just in case.

They wanted a short story, no more than 500 words. A play of no more than 6 A4 pages, a poem of no shorter than 1 A4 side and no longer than 6, and an A4 side of paper explaining why I like to write, what I�ve written and what I want to write in the future.

So, the reasons I need to get all the shitty chores and long awaited bits out of the way, is so that I can focus of getting that writing ready.

Then, after I�ve done this, I can force myself to read all six books I happen to have started and not finished. Idiot.

Hmm. �Cause I�m a fan of Ayn Rand on Facebook, I get all those silly little updates; but it�s a good job I do really, otherwise I wouldn�t have seen the one about the Ayn Rand institute. I followed the link and found out about an internship they do every summer. Last year they took in about ten or so, and this year they plan on twenty. I figured it was worth a shot in applying, even if it is a one in a million sort of chance. So I�m going to apply for it next year, when I�m actually at Uni, �cause I doubt being a college student counts. It would be uber amazing to win.

I started looking around on the site, and found these essay competitions they have each year on every one of her books. And I�ve decided to enter the Atlas Shrugged one this year, and maybe every year if I feel so inclined. You get to pick your question out of a few on there too, and the one about Francisco D�Anconia was practically screaming at me to answer it. It could be fun, I don�t really expect to win, but if I did that would be pretty frickin� amazing. I have until September 17th and it�s only really as long as my assignments are, so I won�t find it too challenging.

I was sorely tempted to spend money I don�t have, travelling down to London tomorrow for Adam�s birthday. But I really can�t do it. I know I need at least �20 for my fares, and then there�s food and whatever I decide to do down there, which in London is rarely nothing, or cheap.

When I get back from Bedford, I definitely need to plan a way to go down there. And it would have to be over three days or something. Enough time to spend a day with Nika and the kids, another one with Lorna and Dan, and then the last one visiting the Tate and Shakespeare�s Globe.

And maybe the British Museum again, if I feel like it. I did the Natural History and Science not that long ago so they can sit for a while.

Speaking of Bedford, I feel like I�ve promised to meet up with too many people all at once. It was just supposed to be five or six days chilling with Ma and Lew, and going to the Christening before coming home. But no, I�ve not seen anyone for so long, I think I�m going to be forced to camp out in a coffee shop for a day and give people time slots for catch up chats or something.

I�m going to buy my train tickets online today, �cause otherwise it just isn�t going to happen. Once I�m there I don�t need a heck of a lot of money. Ma will have plenty of food, and I doubt we�ll be going anywhere expensive�other than all that coffee *chuckles*. The Christening outfit is sorted, and I�ll only need a bit of money for a couple of drinks after or what not. The gift I�ll get from my next lot of money � not like I can afford to give them much. Something is better than nothing however.

Plus I�m excited to see Jane. I really should take her up on her offer to stay in Coventry with her one weekend. I mean, jeesh, you can probably get cheap train tickets online and it�s not like I do fuck all with myself now is it. That can be my next mission, after London that is. I�ve never been to Coventry before. I had a dream about Daventry once; that was weird, Paul was in that one.

I thought that Paul wasn�t going to keep up my little game of �get to know each other again�. But he was sick, so I was paranoid for no reason. We still poke and accompany the pokes with words. I miss that boy something rotten, only he�s not that boy anymore is he? *smiles*

So, sleep is becoming a problem again. I feel like I�m always tired and always horny. Not that anyone else really needed to know that, but there we are.

I�m looking forward to my lie in tomorrow, more than anything else in the world right now.

My phone�s been cut off again. Big surprise there *rolls eyes*. I do owe them like �100 or so. I�ll blag my way out of it tomorrow no doubt. People keep texting and I�m getting feckin� tired of having to get online to email or Facebook them back.

Becky�s just told me we�re going to the cinema on Weds. I love the cinema. Such a big kid sometimes. Oooh, what to see, what to see?! She won�t watch Black Swan with me�too girl on girl apparently. I don�t care. If I can watch Brokeback Mountain with my brother then I can sure as hell watch something all lesbi-gay.

I remember when we were watching it and my ex came home and wouldn�t come in the room until it was over. Why do some men have such overly idiotic reactions to guy on guy stuff? Do you see women taking that attitude (bar my crazy cousin that is)? I�m comfortable enough in my sexuality to watch whatever. Hell, half the time I think it�s hot, and I�m as straight as you come.

Ah, this is it for now. Nothing else I can think of that I need to spew over, and I probably shouldn�t be wasting my, and other peoples, time by updating every frickin� day. Got too much to do with myself and not enough motivation to do it.

Oh and i stole this. Sorry, you know i can't resist a quiz.