I don�t know what it is about being home, but I can�t seem to take any of life�s woes seriously.

This is one of the first times it�s actually felt like �home��even if I don�t have my own room and I sleep on the mahussive sofa. Everything is how it�s always been. Nothing much has changed and it�s comforting.

There�s still eight bottles of conditioner in the bathroom that I knock over when I�m reaching for my shower gel. There�s still pomegranate washing up liquid that keeps my hands soft when I wash up after dinner. There�s still multiple pairs of trainers hogging the floor space in the hallway. There are still random food products, like cinnamon sticks and organic earl grey tea bags, in the cupboard. There�s still a ton of scratches carved into the glass patio doors from Storm. There are still kids that cycle past the kitchen and wave at me when I�m staring into space. There�s still the park and the swings that I used to visit at night.

How can I be sad or stressed when I get to spend all day with my brother? Sprawled on the sofa sharing orange slices; talking about all our crazy family members and finding ways to wind them up; watching random programmes and challenging each other to �guess the song� competitions; lying on the floor with the patio doors wide open and the sun streaming in; laughing so much it hurts.

If ever there was a kindred spirit for me, it�s in him.

How can I possibly be depressed about things when my Ma cooks me roast chicken dinners and makes me cup after cup of red label tea; when Lew nudges my shoulder until I wake up so he�s not alone and bored; when it�s so quiet out here in the village with the neighbours and the fields that every moment is a peaceful one?

It�s definitely comforting. I feel safe here. I just wish I felt like that everywhere.

My rent still needs paying and my phone is still cut off, and even though I have these momentary pangs of panic when I think about the fact it�s highly unlikely I�m going to be able to pay it on time, I feel so relaxed. Too relaxed.

I found a community support grant online that I can apply for, it should cover my rent because of the whole arrears and advance crap, only it takes four weeks for the application to get processed. So I sort of need a temporary loan of �410. Which doesn�t sound too bad; until you factor in that no one I know has �410 lying around. We�re all either shopaholics, frugal or poor. No rich sods or sensible savers.

I�m going to pop into the Citizen�s Advice Bureau in town tomorrow and see if they can think of anything that will help. Worst case, I�ll have to get Zowie to cancel the direct debit and make an arrangement with the rental agents to pay ten days late. Which, I guess, could be a hell of a lot worse.

I applied for another five jobs this morning; me and Lew did searches together last night and I found a few more that just screamed �anyone can do this�. I actually rang one of them up too � you couldn�t email them you see � and she said to come in on Monday at 11am to see her �cause she needs someone ASAP. It wasn�t formal or anything, probably �cause the job is just a Kitchen Assistant in a residential home (which means making tea for old people and washing up etc.) but what the hell. Minimum wage isn�t that bad (�5.93 an hour) and I need the money. If I could get this job, which is weekends only �cause I can�t do the other three shifts yet � and miraculously manage to land the 5-10am Mon - Fri shift at WHSmiths I�d be sorted. Or any other Monday to Friday job really.

I don�t care if I have to work two jobs, I just need to get myself into a position where everything is up to date and I can put a little money by for the summer. I actually spent a large portion of today running through all my creditors files, university regulations and any entitlements I�m owed and then writing up a plan for expenses from now until September and then for the three years of Uni. Sometimes I worry about my obsessive planning � but at least I�m prepared.

I found out that I don�t need a deposit for my accommodation at Winchester (which is a total bonus) and I also found this Helena Kennedy Award that I can also apply for on top of the Academic Achievement Award and the Winchester Bursary. See what I mean about being prepared?

Accommodation isn�t open for applicants until March 16th, so if Bath Spa hurries themselves then I can be one of the first to get mine off and hopefully get the halls I want; and student loans won�t be open until April 4th either.

I decided I�m going to join the Film Society and Magazine Society � this with the aid of my brother who said I�m not allowed to join the Book Club, but that I have to join something. Silly boy.

I got a conditional offer from Roehampton, saying I have to pass my course at Distinction level overall and get 23 Distinction points � I think they made a mistake and meant 33 but whatever. I really am just waiting on Bath Spa, who I want to use as my back up if for some reason I don�t want Winchester. If not, then Roehampton can be my back up � but I really don�t want to go back to living in London.

Yeah I grew up there, and yeah I loved it, but no. Just no. I would like peaceful, quiet and very safe Uni year�s thanks.

Hmmm. Oh, I rang up about my phone and they said they can�t reinstate it until I pay the �100 I owe, but on the plus side, they sort of suspend your contract so you don�t accrue anymore debt and don�t add it on at the end or anything. So once I�ve paid them I�ll go back to normal � but until then I can only receive stuff and not send it. Sucks, but at least I can use the house phone to ring Grams, Nika and Lew in the evenings.

I emailed or wrote down the addresses of all my creditors intending to write to them explaining that they would need to ring me so I could make some sort or arrangement with them; but the general plan is to pay them back in small amounts over the next three years until it�s all gone and I�m home free.

I got another letter from St Albans council stating that I owe them �35 for a parking fine and I swear to god I wasn�t parked in a restricted parking zone. They hate me. They�ll have to wait like everyone else.

I don�t have anything smart to wear to this thing on Monday. And I�m not saying this in a girly �I don�t know what to wear!� way � I really don�t own any smart clothes. The only trousers I have that aren�t jeans are khaki slim fit thingys that I tuck into my cowboy boots, and all my tops are either strange colours or have strange abstract patterns or just plain casual looking. Nothing screams smart to me when I look in my wardrobe. My bro says I should just put my black skinny jeans on with a pair or satin pumps and one of my granddad shirts � �cause at least I�m semi-formal in an extremely casual way. Maybe the purple pumps and the blue shirt. Jeez�I didn�t think this through did I?

I don�t know what I was expecting to wear to an interview. I guess I thought I�d think about it when it actually happened; much like everything in life. But hey, like I said, she didn�t sound all formal, she sort of sounded desperate, so I�ll just show up and be real nice and then if I don�t get the job I know I�m an idiot who needs to go buy some plain black trousers and a shirt to at least make an effort to look the part.

Me and Lew were discussing how jobs like this one (kitchen assistant) and his (working in Primark) are really sucky jobs; but when you have something else to be living for (like your studies) and you�re only doing it for easy money, it sort of ceases to matter what you�re doing � so long as you�re making money. Which got me thinking, I might start applying for some of the cleaning jobs that seem to be everywhere. I couldn�t give two shits if people think it�s a job for the dregs, if it pays me then I�ll do it. I have a future to think about.

The whole dinner with Grams thing went exceedingly well. First thing Ma and her said to each other was �I missed you� and me and Lew just grinned at each other in the back seat. Sorted. I invited Grams on the open day this Saturday. I know it�s probably a bit odd to have your Grandmother come to view a Uni, but I couldn�t care less. They�re my three most important family members and they want to know where I�m going to be for the next three years and what I�ll be doing. *grins* Lew may not be able to come �cause he�ll have to pull a sicky with work, but I�m still hopeful and he�s bummed about it.

When I came up on Tuesday, �cause I�d managed to make myself so poor I couldn�t afford a train ticket, Ma got off on her way back from Gatwick and bought my ticket. Thank god for parents huh. I cracked up when Ma said �You�re like a proper student now, needing your parents to buy your train tickets�. I always used to laugh at the students who couldn�t afford their train tickets, and now I�m one of them. Serves me right for being so narrow minded really.

We had a nice old chat on the train � like about how her boyfriend is taking her to Barbados in May. So jealous. I told her me and Lew would expect excellent presents considering she�s not paying for a thing. I could grow to like this dude. Especially when he�s suggesting renting a villa in the south of France for an annual family holiday for ALL of us. Yep. This makes me sound so callous, but he is actually a really nice guy, he makes Ma happy and so far he hasn�t shown any criminal tendencies, so yeah, I�m cool with him being around. I hope his daughters aren�t bitches though � that�s all I need. Two ugly step sisters. Oh I did not just pull a Cinderella reference � see how dippy I am today.

I even paid attention when she started talking about her work and the building of these crazy ass immigration holding places for families that the new coalition government has ordered, in some spazzy effort to remove children from detention centres. She�s in charge, which isn�t surprising (people are always all amazed when I say Ma is a senior civil servant who goes to the House of Lords and shiz like that � guess the attitude, piercings, tattoos and general lack of respect for authority by myself sort of puts people off) and she�s hoping to get a permanent job out of it. She�s sick of being an area manager and I don�t really blame her. It�s sort of her baby, you know.

Anyway�when we got into Bedford station, who should be walking down the platform but Mark?! Why has the first person I run into gotta be an ex-boyfriend. It�s like cosmic punishment or something. He was perfectly pleasant, which may or may not have had something to do with the presence of my mother. She�s sort of scary, which can come in handy.

And I know I had every intention of letting people know I was around and meeting up with them, but I just can�t be bothered. I mean, yeah I like these people, but this is just how it�s going to be. When I have some spare time away from my studies, I wanna see my famo. People grow apart, and I�m not as bothered about that as I used to be. I�ll always make new friends, the ones that count will always be around in whatever capacity they can be, and the crux of the matter is that I don�t really need anyone. I do lonely and miserable well enough on my own. *laughs*

This probably makes me a piss poor friend, but I�m always there if someone needs me. Always.

I was talking with Lew about how nervous I was about moving all the way out to Winchester, and he sort of had a pretty valid point, one that I think I realised a long time ago but kept ignoring. Isn�t that just what I did with St Albans? Moved somewhere I knew nobody, to live with people I didn�t know and study with people I didn�t too? So, this whole Winchester thing is starting to look like a mini adventure. I�m excited again � I�ll just have to wait and see how long it lasts. But I am definitely looking forward to the open day on Saturday. I�ll get to see the campus, the halls, and the town and hear talks on both my subjects. Exciting! I�m such a girl.

Oh. My cat�s been given to the neighbours! I was like�what the fuck?? They said she never comes in anymore and I was all �she misses me�, and what do you know, I went outside and called her name and she came running! She still loves me, even if my cruel family have given her away. Poor Roxy.

I found my missing florescent plants�my brother has made some sort of rockery thing out of them in the garden. There goes that mystery.

I�m going to go eat some warm scones with butter before he finishes them all and continue to debate over whether the majority of my music is depressing or not (i'm going with beautiful). Yay for comfort food and silly sibling squabbles.