Ma�s birthday surprise went really well. The cupcake was polished off super quickly, and my enchiladas went down a treat *grins* She also loved her Chinese lantern � which we had a right laugh setting off, considering it was so windy it dove into next-door�s garden and did a mad swirly dance, before flying away high over the woods. We watched it for ages, and Ma was delighted to make a wish.

I think she really appreciated the effort, and I�m just so happy we made it. It always makes me feel happy when I�ve made someone I love happy too.

Grandma and I managed to coexist in the same house peaceably. We didn�t directly talk to each other, except if one made a general comment and we knew the answer. I brought her a cup of tea when I made Ma�s, and she told me the dinner was really nice. I think this has proved we can get along when needs be, and seeing her in person after all of this conflict proved to me that I�ve definitely done the right thing.

Especially after a few well laid comments she made about how the celebration was really hers, considering she gave birth to Mum�and her negative comments about the presents Roy bought Mum (she was thoroughly spoiled, as per usual, and Grams was obviously jealous).

Anyhow, it�s over with and I feel a little less anxious inside.

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I can�t believe I only have another four and a half weeks left of summer. I really need to make an extra effort to complete some of the tasks I�ve set myself. I think I�m one part lazy, and one part overly organised. Typical.

I had a right giggle the other day when I went through my wardrobe and realised I�d pretty much replaced all of my clothes with new ones � oh well. It suits my new mood, that�s for sure.

I took Lewis to Luton yesterday (which, by the way, is still a shit hole) to do his driving theory test � which he totally aced! I was so happy for him *squeals*

Afterwards, I noticed a walk in blood donation clinic and went to give my pint. I signed up for bone marrow donation too, so they had to take an extra four test tubes. I think they about emptied me out *rolls eyes* The nurse got a fright when she took the needle out and my arm decided to spurt blood everywhere � she said I was her first fountain patient.

It�s highly retarded how they struggle to tap one of my veins properly, and then once it�s tapped it just doesn�t wanna let up. The inside of my arm is all bruised purple � but that�s nothing new with my silly sensitive skin. I realised the other day that I�d been walking around with a hoof size bruise on the back of my leg, and I seriously couldn�t tell you how it came about.

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I�m starting to feel slightly nervous about going to university � I guess the closer it gets to that time, the more real it feels. And then I start to have these little fluttery panic attacks, and I think�what if I�m really not smart enough for the classes I�ve chosen? What if I don�t meet anyone I really like?

I don�t want to make friends with people just for the sake of it, and I don�t want to fail so badly at something I want so much. I want this to work out � more than I�ve ever wanted anything to work.

I�ve spent seven years working in meaningless jobs and over six years in relationships with people who just weren�t right for me. I�ve owned a house, owned a car and thought about marriage and kids. I�ve been friends with people just for the sake of having friends. I�ve tried being normal, and it was suffocating.

I know what I want now, and I�ve spent the past year making plans and doing everything I could to make sure I got to where I am now. I don�t want to suddenly find I was wrong, or for something to go so badly *sighs*

Maybe my fears are unfounded, or silly; but I�m only human, right?

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Bleurgh. I just made the mistake of watching Blood Diamond and I spent most of it crying. I don�t understand how I�ve turned into such a sensitive sap?! I mean�I�ve always been pretty susceptible to emotional scenes, but the way I�ve been behaving lately is ridiculous. I can�t even talk about sad things without my throat getting all hoarse and my chest tightening. If I didn�t know any better I�d swear I was going crazy.

It just makes me feel like such a�.girl! Like I�m weak and silly for getting so torn up about fictional things, even if a lot of them are based on reality. And the stupidest thing is, although I�m behaving like the idiots you see in horrible situations that scream and panic, and totally get themselves killed; I�m not like that at all.

Any time I�ve been put in a bad situation where someone has been hurt, or could get hurt, I�m always proud of myself afterwards. I act rationally then; I think quickly and stay calm � so why the hell aren�t I doing it now?

Is it a latent reaction to stress? Am I channelling all my pent up emotions into tears over things that shouldn�t matter? I seriously don�t know, but I�m really starting to feel pathetic about it all.

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