I don't like saying anything to anyone, 'cause really and truly it's my own fault i'm so over-weight, but I�ve really been starting to feel it lately. If that makes any sense? It's not that i didn't know before, it's just that i'm bothered by what i notice now, when before i probably ignored it...or tried my best to.

I think, because I�ve started wanting to wear lots of nice pretty clothes again, and I�ve been going mad on eBay selling my old clothes and buying new ones, that it's starting to feel more real. I've really started to loath my weight; more than i ever thought was possible.

I've started to notice how out of breath i feel from walking up small hills; how when clothes come through the post, sometimes they just look awful even when they fit me; how i want to do all these amazing things that my weight stops me from doing; how i'm not as confident around people as i used to be 'cause i'm wondering if they think i'm just some fat girl - just some face in the crowd; how i dislike looking in mirrors from certain angles; how there's a constant niggling worry in the back of my head when i pass people and hear them laugh, and wonder whether they're laughing at me.

It probably sounds like paranoia, and i guess a large part of it is, but there's a real issue behind it. I hate feeling like this, i really do, but at the same time i need to feel like this. If i'm going to make myself do something about it, i need to feel awful about how i look - i need to cry and feel sad, and then i need to get resolute. The last time i took it upon myself to start dieting, it was because i felt so saddened by how i felt and looked, and it's starting up again.

So, on the one hand, i'm really kind of down about it, but on the other, i'm really sort of happy that i feel down.

The absurd thing is, this was all sort of triggered by this chubby kid who lives down the road whispering something about me to another boy, and the boy he whispered it to is one of the kids who always says hello to me. So James (the kid the chubby one whispered to) told me he'd called me fat. And at the time, i just looked at the kid who'd whispered it and said i was too old to be worried about what he had to say. But, then i was actually pretty sad that he'd said that to me. Stupid, right?

Well, my brother obviously realised i was a bit upset, even without me saying anything, and when he found out he went looking for this kid and made him come to the front door and apologise to me. I was blushing like crazy, and the kid was scared shitless, but i told him it was really fine, and then attempted to scold my brother for going off without telling me to do this. But at the same time, i was so proud of my brother and thought he was so sweet in telling this boy that he wasn't to say anything nasty to anyone, especially me, as it hurts people's feelings. And then one of my brother's best friend�s Will came along and asked what happened after I�d gone inside, laughed and said "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" to the kid. This also made me laugh and think he was sweet for sticking up for me; even though i told him not to be mean when i found out.

And though i had this stupid warm feeling from them both standing up for me, and Lewis obviously wanting to protect me, i sort of thought - why should they have to? Why should my brother have to have this fat sister that people make comments about? Why should he have to defend me against something that's the truth? And i know i always say that personal appearance insults are for the mentally redundant, but they hurt for a reason don't they?!

I feel embarrassed for him, and that hurts *sighs*

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