I remember when I used to will the time away, anticipating an event like a holiday or Christmas. I remember that feeling, when all the days between now and then ceased to matter. I used to eat, sleep and breathe that feeling. Wishing for something special, letting all time blend into nothingness in the wait, the excitement, for this one small thing. And then the wash of disappointment would come. Another year older, another event down the pan � hyped up to something it isn�t and a waste of energy. A waste of life.

Now, I�m not saying I�ll cease to get excited anymore diary, you know me better than that. The idea of cocoa and cookies still excites the hell out of me. I have plenty of excitement�but I�m just not willing, nor capable, of expending it all on any one thing. It�s like putting all your eggs in one basket and hoping they won�t crack, then dropping them on the floor with a great crash and crying because only one survived.

Life up until now has felt like a huge trial�something to move through as fast as possible, with the highlights being, not the everyday happiness, but the tremendous joy of a special occasion. And while special occasions are fabulous, and an excuse to do something outrageous if you feel so inclined, they�re not all life�s about.

I look on Facebook and I see all my old friends�the girls I used to lie on the ground and stare at stars with � wondering what fate had in store for us, the guys I dealt all my secrets to and listened to with an open heart�.I see them counting down to Christmas already. I see them wishing the time away because that�s how their minds are operating�just like mine did�on fast forward.

Some of them are married, most of them have children, and hardly any of them got the opportunity to further their education or travel. And as much as I understand how your life has to change when you have children; what happened to fitting children around your life, not fitting your life around children? As a parent, is it not important that you continue to thrive as a person? Is your happiness no longer an issue?

We�re twenty four. We have plenty of time to settle down in our thirties�.but even then life doesn�t have to grind to a halt. Our conversations don�t need to be centred around day care and breast feeding. They can still be about ludicrous things like different coloured popcorn and the merits of porn.

And this is not a debasing of people who choose to have children young, not at all, it�s an argument for a parent to still be themselves. To still maintain a personality beyond that of �mum� or �dad�. I don�t think it�s selfish to want that for yourself, I actually think it would make you the best parent possible. And I understand not everyone wants to travel or further their education, hell I spent years arguing I didn�t, but sometimes it makes you wonder what you�ll really get out of life if all you do is procreate.

How many of them will really look back on their lives and say they did everything they wanted? That they enjoyed every day as much as they could, that they took every opportunity open to them?

I spent my childhood trying to conform for my mother, cowering in fear from a bully of a step-father and struggling to find my place within a family bordering on psychotic. Moving away from every comfort afforded me to an alien place. I spent my teens driving myself as far away from home as possible; discovering boys far too young and continuing my rebellious streak for as long as I could. Then I spent the first period of adulthood, saddled with commitments and a man I�m not entirely sure I was ever in love with. Depressed and alone.

I�m still alone in one sense of the word, but at the same time, I�ll never be alone again. Now, I�m not saying I don�t have regrets�the person who tells you they don�t is a liar, flat out. We all have things we wish we�d never done, or even things we wish we had done. What I�m saying, is that I�m happy with where my mistakes have led me.

If everything life has taught me so far has led to me being who I am, right in this moment, as happy as I am�then it was worth it. All the frustration and tears are making me who I am, and for those reasons I know I�ll get what I want out of this life.

I�m living for each day as it comes, I�m not wishing away the time, so suddenly those big events don�t even feel that important anymore. Things like family, seem even less important. Because caring too much is a crime. It�s a crime against yourself.

I�m no longer willing to ride on other peoples misery, and I�m going to selfishly say no. No I don�t want to see you if you�re going to make me unhappy. No I won�t be thinking of you when I make decisions about my life, not anymore. And no, when I think about it, I don�t really miss you. I miss who you were, and I miss who you�ll never be.

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