I�ve never understood why my mother thought it would be okay for her children to leave home young. Why she practically insisted upon it, and looked at you with disappointment if you couldn�t quite find your feet on your own. Why she seemed relieved that I was living with a boyfriend at 16, why she made me beg to come back home at 17, when it didn�t work out and why she left me no choice but to buy my own house when I was 19�something that turned into one of my biggest regrets.

She�s doing the same thing with Lewis. He�s 17 and he�s living all on his own, with her in another town altogether. I think its wrong � and Lewis and I have always said that when we have kids, even though we�ll teach them to be independent, they will always have a home with us when they need it.

But the other day I think I figured it out. I think I finally got a little bit of insight into why she behaves the way she does�.I think I might actually understand a little bit. And that scares me.

Sarah O has been irritating me over the house for some time now. She panics over the most trivial things and her constant moaning about it feels like harassment. I always just tell her to calm down and stop worrying, knowing that it definitely won�t happen, but that she might get the message that she�s fucking me off big time. I don�t like additional stress from people, and that�s usually what makes me write them off as friends, but for her I�m seriously trying. It�s harder because the way she was brought up was vastly different to me � she is still very much influenced by her parents, and she talks to her mother every day.

For me, the idea of doing that is ridiculous. When she asks me if I�ve asked my mum if she�s filled out the forms yet, she doesn�t realise that by ringing my mum to ask that, I�m setting myself up for another lecture, or at worst, a peeved off Mama who�ll delay it even further. She�ll do it when she does it, that�s always been my philosophy with Ma. But Sarah doesn�t understand that.

A big part of me thinks it�s sad that she hasn�t gained her own feet yet, that she hasn�t got a lot of independence. If I�m honest, I also think it�s a bit pathetic. But I also recognise why I feel like that.

Luke kind of reminded me that she�s just 19�but then I told him what I was like at 19, and after I�d said it I realised why my Mum behaved as she did. At 15 she was out working and living with her sister�her mother had stopped being a mother. So if you were forced to be independent from such a young age, like she was and I was, you come to look down on people that can�t quite do it.

Mum did what she did because she�s a product of her upbringing, because Grandma stopped being her mother early on and she was forced to be independent. She expected the same from us. Now I�m behaving the same way towards someone else.

I�m remembering that at 19 I was as independent as you get, and that my brother at 17 is currently more independent than her, and I�m judging as only I can.

And I�m scared that when I do have kids, this feeling won�t go away. That I�ll be repeating history and pushing my child to be independent from far too young an age. But I also think there�s another way.

I think I can push my child to be independent and still be a good mother. That I can get them to make their own decisions and take charge of their life, without forcing them from their home. And I can be a support system without wishing them gone.

I guess diary, what I�m saying is that I understand why my mum did what she did, and I also understand that my history with my mum is far more complex than her independence issues. None of it means I�m going to be like her.

Sarah is taking her first steps toward independence, and I should be helping her not getting irritated at every joint. And I think it would probably help if I explained to her why I get so snippy, so she doesn�t get offended.

I also realise that Lewis is a bit of a dry run for me. I�ve always been a cross between big sister/pseudo mother/best friend for him. And in a sense, I�ve been a bit of an unknowing hypocrite. I mock how she refers to her mum for everything, and speaks to her nearly every day�.but me and Lewis speak nearly every day too, and I�m always helping him with things. I don�t look down on my brother, so how can I look down on Sarah?

I think, what I�m trying to say, is that I�m learning. I�m learning why I react the way I do to certain things, and it makes everything just that little bit easier.

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