I nearly bought a car today...only, just after we'd agreed our terms, the guy crashed the car into the side of a trailer.

It's all so exasperating. Buying a car shouldn't be this hard.

I really don't like relying on J for help. I can tell he's fed up with it already and he has this awful ability of making me want to shoot him with ever other words he utters. Turns me into a right bitch.

But....he's married to Ly. Ly is my bestest friend. Therefore if i shoot him, she'll surely shoot me.

I sometimes wonder how she copes with it all. He has a tendancy to take nothing seriously, exaggerate anything and everything and needle people on purpose 24/7. And not in a charming way either. I guess i like him well enough really, we're just very different, and i lack the patience to deal with him all the time. One of those people that's alright in small doses, only those doses are quite high at the minute because i'm desperate for a car!

Ly is getting abit annoyed by our bickering, i can tell. But unfortunately, she married him and he is who he is, so she should be used to it by now.

I haven't spoken to R in ages now. I wasn't too bothered at first, or perhaps i made myself unconcerned in an effort to overcome my feelings for him. Now i just miss my friend.

I don't expect to speak to him all the time, but we used to speak on msn every night for hours on end, and all i've had is two texts and a brief passing hug in nearly three weeks. It's a bit of a drastic change. I don't like it.

I miss being able to tell him everything. I miss having someone i trusted enough to hear all my wacky thoughts as i thought them, no filter.

He's going away to Newyork next week, spending nearly six weeks with the woman he met on a cruise, who he insists he's in love with.

I'm not as jealous as i was before hand. Especially considering he met this woman a couple of days after we had sex for the first time at New Years, leaving me wondering where our relationship stood and anticipating his return, only for him to come home all googly eyed for M....clearly he'd forgotten me the instant he saw her and slept with her. He certainly doesn't beat about the bush.

Only i can't understand how he's felt it was okay to sleep with me on several occasions in the past few months...

But i still miss my friend. And the thought of not being able to speak to him for the next six weeks is torture.

Well maybe not torture, but it hurts. It hurts that he's distant, it hurts that he doesn't seem to care and it hurt's that he obviously cares enough to spend six weeks with her but he can't spare me one conversation.

I haven't spoken to Li much lately either. I was a little worried, though she has always been a quiet one, in contacting respects anyway.

She's okay, at least i think she is. No more marriage on the rocks disasters for the time being. Fingers crossed. We are going to have to hang out more often though...none of that drifting apart crap is going to happen to me anymore.

I've found two little Ford Ka's to go look at tomorrow after work and i'm just hoping they've not sold by the time i get around to seeing them, as so often seems to have been the case lately.

I am acting irrationally but i've been craving that little bit of freedom so long been denied to me. I need a car. Now.

In an attempt to cheer myself up yesterday i decided to watch City of Angels...what a monumentous mistake. An angel that falls from heaven to be with his love and then only gets to spend one night with her before she dies? Shit. I couldn't stop blubbering.

And to make matters worse i decided to skip to the end of my new book, Noughts & Crosses....skipping to the end is always a stupid mistake but a habit i can't seem to rid myself of...only to find that the couple i'm reading about end up seperated...she gets pregnant and he gets hanged. It's horrific. I couldn't even read it properly without my heart thumping.

Why do i do this to myself?! I'm far too sensitive for my own good sometimes.

Le is away from home for the second night in a row and i miss having him around. It's funny really, mostly cause i wonder what i'll be like when i have my own apartment.

I think my brother is my truest friend. He's the only one who knows exactly what i'm like. Exactly. I feel sorry for siblings that lack our friendship. I really do. We still have our vicious moments but they never last.

I've half helped bring him up and i always think of him, that's how i know i'm not totally selfish, even if i'm just popping into the bakery or buying toiletries - he always gets something too. I feel so protective of him though - i'm scared of how i'll behave with my own children.

I couldn't handle it if something happened to him. No lies. I really wouldn't know how to still exist.

I'm watching Persuasion now and eating my fill of beef monster munch. Yum.

Earlier on, after i'd gotten my pent up tears out of the way during the washing up, i sat myself outside in the garden under the brilliant sunshine, popped in my headphones and watched the clouds move to a reggae soundtrack whilst sipping my chilled sweet cider. It was a beautiful moment.

I feel slightly calmer. Though i don't want to say i'm fully recovered from my current emotional freak down because i can tell i'll be ever so slightly pissy if i don't find a car tomorrow.

I even cancelled on Lo and D to make sure i got it done and i loath cancelling on people. I must make it up to them and visit after work one evening next week. I haven't seen my littlest brother in ages.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...

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