This past week has been a difficult week. Mostly because i've been stressing my brains out for so many different reasons and questioning everything i'd led myself to believe over the past few months.

But i think the final outcome is a fairly positive one, though i still feel abit unsure of some things right now.

On saturday, after three days of viewing cheap second hand cars to no avail, my Ma took me and Le out to look at some local dealerships, probably sensing my distress at the situation which was becoming increasingly futile, and it's there that we found one :-) And it's perfect.

It's a Citroen C3, sky blue and a 52 plate, for a car thats nearly 8 years old you really wouldn't guess it either. It's been so well taken care of by the previous two owners, which were of course women, that people keep asking me if it's brand new. Bizarre.

It was quite abit more than i originally agreed to borrow from my Ma but after my pleadings and some negotiation as to the terms of paying it back, she bought it for me!

It's so nice to have my own car. And so strange too - to just pick up and take off whenever i feel like it. And a beautiful one with all mod cons at that. It runs great and i'm definately getting used to it. I've named it Effie and i'm determined to look after her as much as possible.

I'm so grateful my mum agreed to lend me the money. It's so nice to have a first car that's not a pile of junk - a car people compliment me on! I've been out and about in it every day so far - driving to work and back, the cinema several times, through drive throughs and to the garage a couple of times also. Just gaining confidence as i go really.

I did manage to clip the wing mirror on the passenger side this afternoon though, it has a little scuff on it, i don't mind too much but i must remind myself to be more careful and not risk tiny gaps!

Everyone loves it - but not as much as me - my Effie is going to become a great friend of mine :-)

Oh and the other bonus is that she's registered in my name, as is my insurance and even though it's quite abit to pay per month, i'm fully comp and i've got breakdown cover and everything so i don't have to stress over it all.

So that's my good news, after all that hard work and passing everything the first time around, i have my branch of freedom that i've been searching for and it feels very liberating indeed.

But i still feel a little bit down.

Mostly because of my money situation. I checked everything over properly today and it looks like i'll be working major overtime for the next six months just to make sure i can pay for my holidays and give some money back to Ma for the car.

I've got it all planned out, but to clear all my remaining debt and pay for furniture for my apartment i'm going to have to take out a fairly considerable loan. And i really wish i didn't have to.

But i guess that really i need to start looking at the positive side to it all - i can afford the monthly loan payments with a little wriggle room either side and it'll mean i'm starting off with a fresh slate aside from that one payment outgoing. It's less to keep a track of and when i manage to get myself a better job i can just pay it off.

It means i can set myself up with some lovely things straight away and not have to wait around, scrimping and saving to afford the things i like. I can have my beautiful apartment from the off - i'll just have to make sure i do a little overtime if i want some extra money to save or spend.

I just need to learn to not spend so much money altogether really. It's a shopaholics nightmare.

But if i'm starting off with a nice apartment, nice furnishings, nice personal stuff and a nice car then i don't really have anything to worry about.

I'll pretty much have everything i need and want.

Except i am worrying.

I'm worried that i wont be able to find a better job. I'm worried all my plans are for nothing and i'll be stuck with this job forever. I'm worried that if i'm too optimistic about getting a train drivers job that it just wont happen.

I'd like to have faith in myself. I passed all the tests. I know what questions they're going to ask in the interview. If i rehearse them before hand and practise well then i see no reason why i shouldn't get the job.

But what if...

That's all that keeps running through my head right now. What if.

I guess when it comes down to it there's no way of telling what the future holds.

I just need to buckle down and do whatever overtime there is. Pay off whatever i can in the mean time and still find the time and money to enjoy and treat myself occasionally.

Then when the time comes for getting an apartment, try to get a good loan - pay off whatever debt's left over and decorate and furnish the place to my hearts content. Buy anything that's still remaining on my wanted list (doesn't everyone have one of those?) and then settle into a routine with the one monthly payment to keep me on track.

Work hard and enjoy myself, just with more of a budget that i've been previously used to. And hope. Hope for the job that i deserve to let me clear the loan and pay for the travelling i long to do.

Hope. Not dream.

I'm back on good terms with my Grams again. For a long time i couldn't stand to spend too much time with her. It sounds awful but she was really trying my patience the entire time and i don't know whether to blame her or myself for that. But either way, it all feels okay now.

I'm going to start doing the lottery online. I picked some special numbers and this is where i dream of winning and going crazy with my wishful fortune!

I went to visit Lo and D yesterday. It was nice, abit strange at times cause i wasn't too sure what to say and that can make me a little shy. But as usual Lo was lovely and D made me feel so special.

He kept clambering over me and holding my hand and demanding my attention. Even spoon fed me his angel delight which was hilarious, and he kept wanting me to pin my badge to his tshirt and grinned like mad when i did. Though his fascination with my lip ring has not abated and he thought it was a terribly funny game to try and yank it from my mouth every few minutes and laugh when i panicked!

It felt nice to be so trusted by him this time. But that's what it takes i guess - time and trust.

I've promised to take Lo and D to Woburn Safari Park in the summer. I'm abit nervous about driving the car around so many animals to be perfectly honest - but Lo is a driver too and she said not to worry as she'd help me if i got too panicky at any point. It'll be a great experience for D so i'm willing to try it :-D

My 'I run with Vampires' sticker came through the post yesterday and me and Le stuck it on my back windscreen this morning. It looks awesome - even if it is a bit wonky...

People keep looking at my 'Cute but Psycho' sign and saying how apt it is. I don't know whether to be pleased they think i'm cute or annoyed they think i'm psycho...ah well. It's too true i guess.

I haven't seen much of J but that's always a good thing - time to recover for his next attack. Me and Ly seem good again, we're planning on taking our cars to get them detailed while we shop. Girl bonding!

Li is good too, she was telling me about her plans with her husband to buy a new house soon. I'm happy for her. I just wish we could find more time to hang out!

R is in Newyork. I didn't realise he'd left already. So he's with her...but i don't feel jealous anymore. He text me to get my address for a postcard - i wonder if i'll get it this time though. Either way i feel okay about it. Maybe it's because im descentsatised from being away from him for so long - or because i've not met M or seen them together. But i feel okay about it all.

He's not for me. He's too much. Not too good - just too much. And not enough where there should be too much.

Good luck to them.

I tried negotiating with my ex on paying back the overdraft but it looks like i'm on my own. Fuck him then. I'll sort it out myself and be the better person for it. He can have the crappy house with his butch ex lesbo fiancee. I'm done having anything to do with them.

Me and Ma are getting on great which is good news - especially considering i owe her money!

Just watched Pretty Women - really had we wishing i could find a handsome rich guy to take me away from this life. Not that this life is all bad....but i wonder sometimes.

I ate abit healthier today...and at some point soon i'm going to have to just force myself out to use the gym...as i repeatedly say.

My weight is one of the biggest things making me unhappy. I battle with it every day. And yet dieting seems so hard.

I know that things would be so much simpler if i could just lose the weight. I know this. Ugh.

I think i may ask the doctor for advice and go from there.

When i find my mojo there'll be no stopping me. So where the hell are you mojo???

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