It's amazing how large a variety of thoughts, run through my mind in any given moment. Amazing. Or not so much. Thought processes are curious things. I think so, anyway.
Like just now. My thoughts ranged from deciding what to sell on ebay this afternoon, to finding a purpose for my twilight journals so i can avoid selling them, to asking for a leather bound journal i found on etsy for Christmas, to wondering if i'm required to purchase my Ma's boyfriend a Christmas present, to wishing i had a father figure i really wanted to buy something for. I do enjoy spoiling people i love, it would just be nice to have a daddy that wanted to spoil me too.
Sounds trite, but i don't think it's something you ever stop wanting. At least, i don't think i ever will. Contemplative to Nostalgic. A transition i make all too easily these days.

Work has become a tad bit frustrating. I've got to take the high road if i want to keep my job and all the things i really want to say to certain people have got to take a back burner. This is seriously a first for me. I've always been able to express myself, which as you can imagine, has landed me in my fair share of trouble. But that's just the way i'm built. I'm shy but strong willed and outspoken. If you've upset me or i have an opinion on you that i'd like to share, chances are you already know about it.
This, keeping quiet when i'd like nothing more than to rant and rave, is killing me. Not quite literally, but it is making me feel more repressed than usual, and that's saying something. It's stressing me out, and really and truely that's the last thing i need to happen right now.

Stress leads to over eating and over sleeping. Two things that i succumb to pretty easily. Two things that could effectively ruin my life, really they've damaged it beyond repair already. Two things that i'm beginning to reacquaint myself with, in the past week or so at least - and it's got to stop.

I've got to be stronger than this. I've got to set aside everything else i might be feeling and just focus on being happy.
Eating healthily and exercising regularly to improve my lifestyle. Studying to improve my prospects. Everything else will fall into place - it already is and will continue to do so, aslong as i work hard.
But this, this i have to control.

Lewis and i made the hard decision to not attend the Prodigy concert this month. Lynn cancelled first, stating that she'd been trying to get John to cooperate, but he wasn't having any of it (Not that surprising really, i'd been telling her the same thing for god knows how long, but i guess she was fooled by her husbands actual age, rather than remembing his mental age like i did). Standing around in a concert surrounded by thousands of people listening to some awesome bands play, was too hard to do if i was present. How fucking childish.

There's no point pretending i wasn't hurt. It hurt like a mother fucker.

Mostly because it just seems to be one blow heaped onto another when it comes to that friendship. My luck must really suck.

But anyways, we thought that really it was the kind of experience you want to share as a group, and i'd be too worried about getting us home and how we were going to pay for drinks and things while in the arena - this way Lew gets �50 back to buy the dog's kennel and i get my �50 back, and with any luck make �100 by selling them as a group, giving me the money for my deposit - one less thing to worry about after the disaster that was last weekend - definately going to see a drop in my months pay because of that, and at the worst possible time too.

Thinking of redoing my ipod playlists this week - need some powerful music to keep me going in the upcoming months. Kind of looking forward to it, even though i know it'l take me hours.

I bought a couple of summer dresses the other day - one's a light denim flowy thing that ties up in spaghetti straps on my shoulders and has big poppered pockets at my waist and a stretchy bandeau around my bust - the other is a white paisley spaghetti strap flowy skirted thing. I don't really know what came over me, i hate my legs and usually do my very best to encase them in fabric, any fabric so long as they're covered up. I'll go so far as to wear shorts that cut off just below the knee but that's as risky as i get. These are just about knee length, and i think i'm going to get some leggings that come to just under my knee so i feel a little less exposed (even though i promised myself i wouldn't succumb to the leggings craze). I just felt like owning something a tad bit more feminine for the Cornwall family holiday.

I'm actually seriously looking forward to this holiday. I'm excited about shutting the world out with my ipod for the five hour drive down there and back. I'm excited about spending seven days surrounded by my family. I'm excited about not having the responsibilty of work or bills or even my car. I'm excited about not having a schedule or any plans whatsoever. I'm excited about the simple and pure enjoyment i'll get from wandering around a cornish village on foot. I'm excited about the books i'll read to fill in the time. I'm excited about the state my mind will be in during this time...and afterwards hopefully.

I'm excited because i'll get to heal a little part of myself. Rebuild what was broken.

Family holidays are so theraputic.

Hopefully i can bring my attitude home with me and find beauty in the little things again. Got to change your life somehow and mine is only just beginning.

I had my initial assessment at Oaklands College the other day - it was all done online in this big room full of other applicants - firstly an english test and secondly a maths one. I did the english first and came back with a level 3 (the highest level you could obtain, and damn right too) and then i moved onto the maths one. Their internet went down for around 20 minutes in the middle of this and it started doing some funny log in palava when i tried to get my results, which came back as level 1 - which is way too poor in my eyes and seriously not what i expected - i'm no einstein but i've got a good head for numbers and i'm seriously wondering if it's not because of a glitch in their system (yes i know people always say things like this when something doesn't go their way, but really i don't think i'm a level 1 - level 2 maybe - but not level 1).

Anyway, those results were good enough for what i want to do so i'll be going back next month, after the family holiday, for an interview and tour etc. All things considered i can't see my getting in being a problem at all.

I'm going to make sure i've got myself fully organised before i start this course - i don't want to have to expend any time on anything other than normal chores when i've got work from college to attend to. I'm going to make a sucess out of this so i need to be at the top of my game - and my todo list needs obliterating!

I'll have moved in three weeks time and that should help the situation - it should help everything really.

I actually had a pretty interesting conversation with my Ma regarding Uni. She hasn't been all that interested as of late, but she surprised me by enquiring into what course i hoped to take, what i wanted to do in my spare time and also what i hoped to become when the course finishes. She seemed to think i had everything planned out well - but when haven't i?!
She told me to keep my address registered as hers and just get my mail redirected every time i move, rather than ruin my credit score some more by adding all the different homes i'll eventually be in - she also advised me not to put her income down on my student loan application, considering i haven't been dependant on her for money since i was 16, and when i used the search engine to see if that would help, it's allowed me �1000 less on the maintenance loan but i get an additional �3000 in grants. So i guess motherly advice does have it's advantages - one less thing to worry about and more money to survive on.

I went to see Eclipse at the cinema again afew nights ago after work, i couldn't resist. Afterwards, at like midnight, when i finally got home, Lewis came running outside asking me to take him food shopping *sighs*. The things i do for that boy. I'm seriously poor at the minute though, as soon as my paypal money goes in my account i'm filling my petrol tank up, just incase.

I always get myself into these situations, but then again i always get myself out of them too. I can't wait for all my money to be as organised as my mind is - or maybe not.

I'm still feeling paranoid about my parallel parking abilities - i think i just need to go and practise to stop myself from worrying. I've got to do something or else i'm in danger or choosing another place to live, just because of the parking.

Accessorize have a sale on. Boy do i love their sales. I don't have any money...like i said, but under the special circumstances my Grams allowed me to use her creditcard (she so loves me) and i've got some uber cute things. Good job too really, considering my jewelrey stock was depleting drasticly, what with the carboot and ebay. I've decided to only keep things i really love - and only buy things i'm completely sure of. I'm always sure about Accessorize items. The Panda socks were the best.

I haven't dyed my hair in a while, but i feel completely uninspired to do so. Just as well i give my curls a reprieve really, don't need my hair falling out on top of everything else.

I emailed my cousin asking her about her Uni experiences and i'm really glad i did. She's a year older than me and she started Uni last september, so essentially i'll only be a year older than she was when she did it, but from what she's said i probably won't find it anything like i'm expecting and i won't be the only one over 18 either. It's a comfort at least.

She's taking a BA in Fashion - which totally suits her, she's a wee bit eccentric you see. I miss her. I'm going to have to make more of an effort to see her, especially when i'm living in London cause she wont be very far away and we always did get on great as kids. Plus she's one of those people that are just fun to be around cause their so nice and trustworthy to boot.

I've been thinking that when i'm living in London (i know this is like a year away and not an absolute certainty,though i like to think it is) i'll try and reach out to my sister again. Maybe at the respective ages of 20 and 24 we can find some common ground and build on that, lord knows we've tried before, but i can't do this on my own. She needs to give as much as me. It would be nice to find a friend in her.

I'm definately going to work on reglueing every important relationship that came undone over time, even if it's just as distant friends/relatives. As long as they're in my life again that's all that counts.

Sometimes i worry that all my dreams are too big to accomplish in this lifetime, but when i'm thinking rationally i recognise that even the impossible is sometimes achievable and my life ambitions are far from impossible.

It just takes time. Time, hardwork, faith and love. Surprisingly.

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