So this is my mantra, my 'Reasons why i'll be happier in 12 months', this is what keeps me going when it feels like everything's gone to shit and i guess that it's just up to me to provide the strength and validity behind my statements. Each and every one of them.

1 - I'll have moved out of my family home again, this time for good. I'll have gained my independance back, eased the strain on the relationship between my mother and me by giving us distance and i'll feel much more like myself once i've got my own space back.

2 - My rigourous gym routine and healthy eating plan will have made me fit, healthy and finally slim again. That means more confidence and less worrying about how i look or if i'll fit in, not to mention the fact that i'll be able to splurge and buy all the beautiful clothes i've spent years wistfully admiring now.

3 - I will have completed my college course successfully. Therefore gaining confidence in my academic abilities along with a qualification, hopefully having made some new friends and i'll have made the possibility of University a reality.

4 - I'll have straightened teeth. It's only something small, but at least i won't ever worry about which side of my face a picture's being taken of, incase you can see my funny buck tooth more. And i can smile freely, no stress.

5 - My full back tattoo will have been completed. This satisfies my artistic tendancies and put's paid to my longing to express myself completely.

6 - I will have quit my job. No more miserable early wake up calls, abusive customers and dirty office politics with crappy colleagues. I'll have escaped that life once and for all.

7 - All my debt will have been cleared. No more worrying about paying bills on time, no more stressing out over money.

8 - I'll be travelling around the world for three months. I don't know exactly where i'll be, but i'm sure to be having fun, making friends and experiencing just what life's all about.

9 - I'll have been accepted into one of the Universities i've chosen (with any luck it'l be Kings) and i'll be all set to make my future dreams come true. I'll be on my way to getting a BA in English Literature and Language, looking forward to evening classes in foreign languages, taking art classes and Tai Chi lessons and joining the Womens Institute Society. I'll be growing infintisimally as a person and making the most of my life as it stands. Reconnecting with my family, making friends for life and trying out a variety of jobs and activities to keep me afloat, but not getting bored. Never that.

10 - I'll be adrift yet anchored. No home or car or debt. Just the things i'm passionate about keeping me grounded. I'll be reestablishing my own unique persona amoungst strangers and i'll have nothing but an unknown but gloriously happy future to look forward to.

So i guess i better start making the most of my depressive mood swings right now, because by the sounds of things i want to be the newest member of the Brady bunch and i won't be taking no for an answer.
But seriously now, all things considered, i really hope i get to that stage. I'll always be a bit pessimistic and there's bound to be plenty of things that go wrong for me. But if i can get these things right....then i can cope with anything else life throws at me and i'll have done myself proud. That i will.

Sometimes i think i sound a bit air headed, or perhaps....naive. I don't really know. But i do know my own mind, and i know that even though some of the things i talk about aren't as romantic as i make them sound, and some of them seem a little bit far fetched or unobtainable...they're really important to me and i talk about them in the way that i view them. And everything that's important to my happiness is something i'll strive to fulfill.

What's the point in living if you don't try to become the best that you can be. If you don't try to become the person that makes you happiest.

<<ghosts []the mist>>