The past few entries i've written up have been while i was at work, which i don't suppose i should really be doing, but it's boring and so here i am doing the exact same thing again.

I've been left on my own, again. June (the new lady who's all together too loud and overly helpful to the point i want to bonk her on the head and tell her to let me do it myself, who also chains smokes like crazy so every five seconds she's outside having another one) and Sam (psycho bitch supervisor who's trying to be super nice to me right now and looks like it's giving her a migraine) are busy cleaning the office. By cleaning i mean making a big mess and attempting to look busy sorting through it. In other words they're slacking off. Right now i'm too tired to care, it's not busy on the window, as evidenced by my writing this, and it's quieter with them out back. More peaceful.

I'm starting to feel more and more like i don't belong here, don't fit in like i supposedly used to. It's disconcerting but kind of a relief at the same time.

Last night i took my brother and his friend Wesley to see the fireworks at the river festival. They were good, but not that good. Fireworks are always worth watching though, i'm such a big kid.
There were so many different stools selling things and the place was so crowded, but i loved it. I always feel great when i'm at events like that, a huge variety of smells and sounds assaulting your senses, people in swarms laughing and generally having a good time, screams of joy coming from the fairgound rides and angry police officers telling misbehaving youths off. I grabbed a yummy sausage pizza baguette from a french hot food stall after conversing with the friendly chef and then watched from a bridge as the boats decorated in bright lights did their rounds up and down the river.

I've made it my mission to be as nice to people as possible, you know, to kind of give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. I told a lady i loved her dress yesterday (it really was pretty, light blue and black polka dot fluffy thing) and she was delighted, saying strangers never did that to her anymore, and i kind of thought to myself, is that what we've come to? People don't even compliment each other anymore. It's just being polite and friendly really, but it makes people happy.

I remember the times people have complimented me on my curls and how it makes me smile inside, how it makes my day that little bit better. I'm going to do it more often because of that.

I started talking to this girl on the bridge last night, just to see if she knew which direction the fireworks were going to be, and she was super nice back. I love those kind of interactions, where you can laugh and joke with a total stranger and then go your seperate ways. It kind of gives you hope that humanity isn't a total lost cause.

I had some really funny dreams last night and it made me realise that maybe i'm sort of lonely. I don't know really...i guess it's all this reading of romantic stories and reminscing over lost friendships.

But even though i feel the pang, i'm not actually ready for a serious relationship and i'm definately not desperate for anything else along those lines either, i honestly don't think i could handle something that's not supposed to be serious, not the way my brain works, everything has its consequences and i dread those ones. Especially after Richard,

But i do miss having really close friends. I miss that so much. And i know i have quite a few friends, and i have Lynn, but after everything that's happened lately, it's just not the same.

No matter where i've been in my life i've always had some pretty special friends. When i was little and lived in London there was Kelly, Jayna, Shamia, Grace and Melanie from school and nursery...there was Jodie who i met through my child minder and Lucy & David from next door...amongst countless others from the neighbourhood and classes, but they stick out the most.

When we moved to Bedford there was the two Nadias and Sarah, along with people i met out in the park. Then when i moved to upper school two years later there was Jo, Tasha, Lily and Hayley - we formed our own little clique. I branched out and became bestfriends with Katie and Ashleigh too...and then there was Paul, and Scott also....god i used to integrate myself into every group. I used to love people, love making friends, and i was mischeivous in a pretty cute way so i guess people sort of liked me too.

I didn't have any classes with the girls from my clique (so to speak) so i'd make friends in all my different classes, and then i'd be close to people who lived near me too, people i'd meet through other friends. I really knew a heck of a lot of people.

All my friendships were pretty strong at different stages, they were all unique in their own way.

I miss the kids from my childhood in London, but i guess we were so young and i moved pretty far, it was inevitable that we'd loosen the ties. Most of them are on my facebook, and we've caught up a little bit, but more than half of our lives has gone by without seeing each other so i guess it's a little strange. I'll just remember them fondly.

People i made friends with in middle school don't seem as important to me anymore, possibly because i didn't know them for very long. I have them on my facebook too and it's interesting to sometimes see what they're up to but i don't really miss them.

Me and Hayley were never very close but she's on my facebook. Tasha and me still message each other, talking about meeting up but it never happens - she was always a really sweet person but never did alot of socialising outside of school. She emailed me yesterday saying she's pregnant. She got married a year ago to this ass who's about 20 years older than her and who she'd proved was cheating on her the year before. Can't say i think she made the wisest decision but what the hell. Me and Lily used to fight like cat and dog, mostly because i thought she didn't have two brain cells to rub together. I still loved her in my own way - she's another facebook only friend. She's not married but she's living with this guy who's also about 20 years older than her, who cheated on his wife for her, and they have two little girls together now.

Katie and me were really good friends for quite a long time and the same goes for me and Ashleigh. I didn't have the same upbringing as the both of them and i think they probably found me a little wild to begin with, the ironic thing now is that they both went a little wild after our friendships cooled down, maybe i had more of an influence than i originally thought? I have a lot of fond memories involving them two though. I still message the both of them like i do Tasha. Ashleigh is pregnant, not married but living with the guy in their own home. I'm happy for her, though a few months before she found out she was pregnant she was asking me for advice because she wasn't in love with the guy anymore...so i don't really know about that. Katie seems to have turned into a bit of a bitch, from what i've heard. A bit full of herself. But i dunno. She went to Uni and got a BA in Sociology and she now works for the prison service so i guess she's done the best for herself. I bump into her every now and then and we have a right old natter, and of course she's on the old facebook friend list.

Me and Scott had a funny sort of understanding. You ever just see someone elses pain, recognise it as being not unlike your own and bond over it? Well that's what happened with us. I can remember exactly what happened when we became friends and for those reasons i'll always be fond of my capricorn friend. We hug and laugh when we see each other cause we get it, we'l always be friends somehow.

But i think the people i miss the most, the people who it sometimes hurts to think about, are Jo and Paul.

Paul and my friendship i already talked out in another entry so it goes without saying. But me and Jo, she was honestly probably the closest i've ever come to a sister.

We didn't have all that much in common really, but there was a level of understanding and affection. She was my friend instantly. We never got sick of each other, we could tell each other anything and we would have done pretty much anything for each other too.

The summer we met i think i spent nearly every day at her house, lounging on her bed, raiding her fridge, sunbathing in the garden or perched on her window sill watching the world go by. Noone really cared where i was so i basically became her lodger...it makes me laugh thinking about it now. I was hardly ever at home and i was only 14.

I email Jo but that's the extent of our contact. She got married and moved up north to Lincolnshire. I'm pretty sure she'l be announcing she's pregnant next.

I really wish we'd done more to keep up our friendship. I honestly do. All i can do now is hope. Hope that somewhere out there is another Jo and Paul.

Sometimes i think that nearly everyone i know is getting married and having babies and it makes me scared. I worry it wont happen for me, that i let the chance pass me by. But it will...and i'm not actually jealous, just paranoid.

I doubt half of them as are happy as they make out they are, in fact i know most of them aren't. I don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage, or one that feels more like friendship than anything romantic. I don't want to be having babies when i'm in a shitty job so i'm limiting any possibility of improving myself. And i don't want to have been to university only to return a bitch with a degree that doesn't seem to specialise in much of anything. I don't envy any of them. But do i wish they were still a part of my life? Hell yes.

I think that in the friend department, this is definately the loneliest time of my life. Hopefully not for much longer though.

Anyway, i've been looking some more into the universities i want to go to and i find myself getting confused all over again. I think on some level i just don't feel good enough yet.

I want the proper university experience and part of that lies in where you live - so i definately want to reside in the residents halls, and a part of me thinks it would be great to live in a twin, cause what better way is there to make some powerful friends than to basically live with them? But not all Unis offer that option, and i also think it would be nice to have my own space. I can't make up my mind.

And i guess that there in lies the problem. Kings was my dead set choice - they do the year abroad option for English and they're in central London so it's sort of perfect. But UCL is better....and they offer a lot of twins, they just don't let you do the year abroad option. I just can't make up my mind. My third choice is Royal Holloway, it's got everything that Kings and UCL offer, but it's no where near as good and it's not in the center of London like they are. But it's an alternative if i don't get what i want the most.

I just can't make up my mind. I need to. But i can't. Maybe the college can offer me some advice if i explain my predicament to them.

I guess that i have to weight the pros and cons. I'll do that now...lol.

UCL

Pros:

It's closer to Camden and the area of London i was born in, consequently the area i know best.
My reasons for going there would be stronger considering i was born in the hospital associated with this Uni.
They have the second best English department in the country.
They offer TEFL courses as part of their academia.
I'd be nearer to Lorna and Daniel.
I can twin with someone in the residential halls which would hopefully gain me a good friend and is also cheaper.
They're bound to offer a lot in the way of societies and clubs to join.
Their school merchandise is cute.
Everyone knows UCL is great - i'd be far more likely to get a job with a degree from there.

Cons:

They only offer about 75 places to English applicants therefore my chances are pretty slim to begin with.
I'm not entirely sure i'm smart enough.
They don't offer the year abroad study option for English students.

KCL

Pros:

It's campus is dead in the center of London so the job and shopping opportunities would be abundent.
They offer the year abroad study option for English students.
I've got a better chance of getting into the University because their standards aren't so high.
I already know what societies and courses i would want to get involved in if i went there.
They're one of the top 25 universities in the world.

Cons:

The education won't be as good as at UCL.
I'll have to go elsewhere for my TEFL course.
I won't be able to have a roommate and the resident halls are a bit further out in London.

I guess that really, after looking at those lists, if my tutor at college tells me i have a chance to study at UCL, that i am possibly smart enough and may make it there, the question i have to ask myself is this...is studying abroad that important to me that i would take second best just to be able to do it?

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