Having had something and lost it through no fault but your own.

Or never having had that thing in the first place.

Sometimes i make myself sick.

Some days i hate the person i've become.

Or i hate the person i did become.

I don't know if that's me now, but i don't think it's like before.

I don't really understand it, i just know it's not okay.

I'm not living like i used to live...and god do i need to feel those rushes again.

It's been too long.

If i had known then what i know now there is a lot of things i would have done differently.

What was important to me then doesn't matter now.

The things i took for granted are more important than ever.

I need to change it.

I can't make up for the things i've done.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I can hope for forgiveness...but i won't expect it.

I wish you would understand, though it saddens me that you probably never will.

My memories do a good job of crushing me and the things i can't remember fill my heart with dread.

I'd like to wipe my slate clean.

I'd like to walk away from everything.

But i know i can't, everything i've done and everything that's been done to me, that's who i am now.

I need fixing...like anything unstable i need to find my stablisers.

I miss you. And i miss you. And i wish i didn't miss any of you but i do.

I don't think i deserve what i had.

I'm not sure i deserved it before, but i sure as heck don't deserve it now.

But words aren't enough to express how much i want it.

Boy do i want it.

I want to be whole again. Or as whole as i can be.

I want to feel again.

I don't want to be on the edge of tears for what feels like a life time.

I want to love and live and die.

Smiling the whole time.

I want to feel worth something. I want to be worth something.

And i want to be worth it for you.

I've always been different.

I used to think it was a quirk. Now i think i'm damaged.

I need to feel quirky again. I need to feel like me.

Why was i special to you? Any of you? Why did you love me? Why did you want me around?

Where did i go wrong?

I've got to find a way through. For myself. For my sanity.

I cant be humpty dumpty forever.

I'm thinking about taking up smoking...