The internet's not working at home, and seen as I don't feel like having my classmates read my diary over my shoulder in the LRC, this is the first time I've thought to use my pwetty new blackberry to write up my thoughts.

I went sick on monday, earlier than planned, but the eight days leave I had left for this year that were supposed to be distributed over the next few weeks, weren't. I'm seriously starting to wonder if the company isn't out to stop me furthering my education.

So, tomorrow I'm going to try and get a doctors appointment and poar my heart out, whilst trying not to sniffle and cough due to this disgusting cold I have right now. Hoarse voice and all.

I thought it made me sound more grown up, Howie says it makes me sound cuter if anything, and Jamie's started calling me hun. As in honey. Oh the bains of being girly (ish).

I'm on the train right now, headed to flitwick, but I'll only be doing this on wednesdays and fridays because I obviously didn't think through my plan properly and quickly discovered on monday that its all too easy for me to be seen. Especially when my supervisor's sister has just started working at st albans station.

It sucks. But it is what it is. On monday, tuesday and thursday I'll have to drive to st albans and park in the shopping centre, costs me a bit in petrol and parking, but I suppose it's all good practise.

I did consider possibly moving to st albans, but I've just paid for a gym membership around the corner, and my room is looking comfortably like my own. Plus I'd miss Grams and Lew.

The former of which is coming to st albans with me in the morning to do some shopping while I have class, and the latter is getting picked up by me later on, because lord knows he can't shop on his own.

I guess today I'm just feeling nervous. Nervous about the state of my bank balance as always - but I know I could probably borrow money from my Ma to tide me over while I sort out my final ebay sales. Nervous about my assignment for college - but I guess that if I put in the right amount of hardwork it should be okay, besides it's highly unlikely I'd be accepted into the best unis and therefore just need a good level of pass for the others.

I'm also nervous about the doctors. Needing a time out for mental health reasons is sort of seen as a weakness. I know I view it as a weakness. So I keep telling myself that it's not why I'm going to be off work. But then if that's not my reasoning, then doing it because I want time off is selfish, and morally wrong.

Am I weak or selfish? I'd say it's a healthy, or unhealthy, mix of both.

Or possibly, I've just realised how much I need to sort out in my life and getting out of that job, into education and finally dealing with past issues is the only acceptable route. Who knows.

I feel like going to Paris again. I was thinking about families and society while we were in sociology and I just suddenly thought, I'd love to be sitting in the square outside Notre Dame right now.

I was silly yesterday. I splurged on some shopping and I really shouldn't have done. I don't think I'll ever know how to be responsible with money so I should probably stop worrying about it, it does always work out okay, and I am looking at ways to make some money on the side cause sick pay is nothing to rave about. Like being an avon lady and adult learning grant money.

But anyway, I bought some beautiful grey denim converse, a big blue felt bag with rainbow polka dots (big enough for handbag and college stuff), a cute pink swallow keyring for it (it came with pom poms that promptly went to Nicola), some more books of course, a pretty silver flowery memory stick and various other bits from paperchase!

Oops gotta run, train's arrived! Ciao for now!

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