But happy tired at least. Plus i took 3 ibuprofen to chase away the imminent headache.

Yesterday Tivi text me asking if i would help her revise for Maths, so she ended up coming over at lunch time.

She took me shopping in Morissons so i could do a food shop. Told me to get heavy items and take advantage of her car and then proceeded to laugh at me for buying two big sacks of potatoes.

They're a staple to every meal. What did she expect?!

I made sure to choose the yummiest for me, yet unappealing for others, cordial juice i could find.

White grape and elderberry. Perfect.

Then we went back to mine and i quizzed her whilst making banana and white choc chip muffins.

They came out rather wonky looking, some of them actually tear drop shaped, all because i asked her i i'd need a muffin tray aswell as cases and she assured me i wouldn't.

Last time i listen to someone else on these matters. Gotta make sure i buy myself a bleedin' tray now.

She wants me to bake her new fella some goodies so she can send them to Iraq.

I was like, jeez, pressure much.

But i said that of course i would, so long as she warned him i was a still very much learning chef.

I'm thinking dark chocolate and peppermint cookie next.

Anyways. Shay was too sick to come over, which got me a litle irritated, and then i told myself i was being absurd.

Poor girl can't help being sick.

Jamie still came over bless him.

He was a bit awkward at first...i must be more laid back than i realise cause i always try to put people at ease - both in my home and theirs.

He stood around, seemingly unsure of himself, declining every drink and snack and keeping his coat on.

I giggled over it a bit.

But he soon warmed up (metaphorically speaking) after the kitchen was invaded by Chris and Charlotte and then Zowie and Tom, in turn.

We ended up watching The Book of Eli - pretty good film, i've seen it before but he really wanted to watch it so i didn't mind.

By the time we'd finished that; scoffed the paprika and tomato chicken with mash i'd made; and chatted about pretty much everything we could think of, it was super late.

So he stayed over and we had a proper giggle fit over him being seen in just his boxers.

And don't think i didn't notice him snapping a picture of me reading in my pj's.

Boy is so not sly enough.

I told him i felt like i was back at school.

I don't mind sharing my bed with people, it's big enough.

Though i did nudge him a few times when his snoring got especially loud.

And i got a few jabs in my side before we fell asleep for my conversation topics.

I only enquired as to whether he had slept with his ex girlfriend, the one he keeps getting back together and then breaking up with.

And he said he had. And that they got together when he was 19.

And then i sort of exclaimed 'But i thought you were a born again virgin!'

Which brought about the first of many jabs.

For the record...he told me he doesn't believe in sex before marriage since becoming a christian at 17.

So you can sort of understand my confusion.

And of course, never one to just let things be, i proceeding to debate the issue, comparing it to committing a murder at onc point.

I just pointed out that you either believe in something or you don't, but saying you believe in it and then acting in contradiction to this belief, especially on more than one occasion, means you don't believe in it to the extent you're saying you do.

Sometimes i think it would be best if i learned to keep my mouth shut.

I asked him what he thought the most irritating thing about me was.

He was quite sweet really, saying nothing i do irritates him; but he did say that my perfectionism makes him laugh.

Especially watching me stand there evenly spacing out tealight candles that will have burnt out and be chucked in the bin in an hours time.

And apparently the most endearing thing about me is the way i am when i talk about books.

He says i light up like i've been given a chest of gold and he can tell they fascinate me and that i love them so much.

That made me smile.

But i guess that essentially it's true.

I do get super happy about books.

Giving me a book i want is probably a sure fire way to make me like you.

It's like you're talking my language.

Well....Jamie went home early this morning, and then the crazy ass shower noises started up, but i eventually got to sleep.

Waking up at 11.45 and running to the shower to get ready for my Maths exam.

Which i aced by the way. 100%. First one out of there and i even helped Tivi quietly half way through.

Then i quickly modified and printed out my Comms resubmission and handed that in.

And photocopied my CV five times - handing one into the gym on my way home.

I had a little look online at benefits and what not, but i didn't really understand what i'm entitled to, so i emailed st albans council and am waiting to hear back from them.

My work has evidently decided to pursue this disciplinary hearing and sent me another letter asking for my attendance.

I'm going to write back tomorrow and tell them where to stick it.

But i had a thought for the summer travelling thing.

I'm pretty confident that, no matter what, i should be able to survive nicely and pay a little bit off whatever's left owing to various companies, over the next seven months.

But i highly doubt, realisticly speaking, that i'm going to be able to save anything.

Come summer time i should have dwindled my creditcards and overdraft down to pretty much nothing and christmas, my new camera and the Greece holiday will be out of the way.

The only big concern left will be my store card...but even that will have halfed and will be gone by next christmas.

So i'll be pretty much home free, so to speak.

The three years after will be a breeze in comparison really, with student loans and grants and part time work.

I'll have more than enough to live on and plenty to save up for two months of summer travelling.

But this year? Not so much. I owe money and i don't get any student loans so it's all on what i can earn.

Which right now is precisely nothing.

But if i was able to find a summer working job abroad for a few months, how great would that be?

It's more realistic than thinking i'll find money to save up. That's for sure.

And the deposit money i get back from this place, plus anything i get benefits wise for those three months of summer...and whatever amount i earn, will be more than enough to make sure i have some excellent times this summer.

So that's what i'm going to try and do. Find something to do somewhere for a few months this summer.

And i don't really mind where it is or what it's doing.

Aslong as it's abroad and i'm able to do the work then why the fuck not.

I'll get to see new places and make new friends and it'l be one more experience under my belt.

Of course...if the job happened to be in the USA or somewhere like New Zealand that would be absolutely feckin' super.

But we'l see what i can find.

I don't feel this urgent need to panic about finding work and doing the travelling i so desperately want to do.

It's going to work out.

I'm going to finish this course with a Distinction and get accepted to at least one of the Universities i want to attend.

I'm going to keep these amazing friends and make many more besides.

I'm going to join this gym and get my stupid ass into shape once again.

And there'll be plenty of opportunities coming my way to do the things i've always wanted to and go to places i've always craved seeing.

Optimism is the key!! :-D

Hmmm. Well, when i got home i finally decided to package up everything that needs posting from ebay and if i remember to take them with me tomorrow, then that'll be one job out of the way.

I also require about 24 stamps for some christmas cards.

I haven't gone through anymore of my folders, but i intend to go through Sociology and English tomorrow...sort of setting a pace for myself.

Then on Wednesday i can go through Comms, ICT and History.

Jamie's picking me up on saturday to take me to Hatfield library so i can grab some books for Sociology and History. Bless him.

I don't know when bowling's going to happen...hopefully this weekend though. I need to go bowling!

This weekend is also christmas shopping time. I'm getting it all out of the way so i can stop thinking about it.

I asked Lewis what he wanted and the only thing he could come up with was black skinny jeans from Next.

Is that really all a 16 year old boy wants these days?

I don't know.

But i'm determined to get people thing's that they want, rather than waste my money.

I didn't think it was possible, but i feel even more at home here.

In this odd house full of students.

I don't even know how to explain it, or why it is, but every day just feels so...natural.

Me, Zowie and Simon were sitting on the sofas watching TV this arvo and all of a sudden we could hear choir music getting louder and louder.

It was pretty comical the way we all looked at each other for a few seconds and then dived for the windows, only to see a few fading lights of a christmas truck in the distant fog.

Zowie kept going quiet and glancing outside in the hopes that it would come back past.

I don't know whether i've just found an exceptional group of people to live with, though they are in no way perfect housemates.

Or whether, everything that's happened in the past three months, has just totally changed my perspective on everything.

I'm inclined to think the latter. Though my housemates do rock.

Because it's not just at home that i'm happy. I'm happy everywhere.

Even my Ma, who usually remains pretty oblivious to my feelings, told me that i'm the happiest she's ever seen me.

It's just that everything seems to make so much more sense, and i feel like i can do anything. Be anything i want to be.

I feel like i've found my purpose, my reason for living, and that's what i'm doing.

Living out my purpose.

Like all the things i used to whisper about doing one day, they're right around the corner.

And all the people i used to hope i had in my life, are suddenly there, and if they're not there, i know they will be someday.

I'm just...happy.

And I'm not scared that it's going to go away.

Because something tells me that this feeling is here to stay.

Oh...and i almost forgot.

I spoke to Richard for the first time in approximately three months...maybe more.

And it was just astonishing how little he knew about my life as it is now and how unconcerned i was by this fact.

I was all like 'I'm a full time college student now; I've resigned from my job of seven years; I've moved to a new city and i'm living with a bunch of students; I'm applying to University for next year; I've a bunch of great friends now and i'm joining the gym this week; I can cook and bake and even sew a little now; I'm taking a photography class next month; I dyed my hair bright green; I'm planning on working abroad this summer'.

And on and on with the strangeness that is my life.

But dya know what had changed about him?

Absolutely nothing.

But the way i once felt about him...it didn't even echo when we spoke.

I just felt indifferent.

Perfectly, happily indifferent.