But when we�re chatting away and you say things like �You don�t have an accent to me; but your voice is adorable. I�ve always thought you sound so cute.� You make me love my voice too, when everyone else makes me hate it.

And when we�re teasing each other and I get quiet so you think you�ve upset me, and you tell me you don�t like it when you think I�m actually upset, that you don�t like upsetting me. I feel like holding you close and never letting go �cause you�d never be able to hurt me like other people can.

When you tell me I�m the only person you speak to this much, for this long, �cause everyone else irritates the shit out of you. And even I do sometimes, knowingly too, but you still want to talk to me. I keep talking, even if I�m tired out and I practically fall asleep with the phone glued to my ear.

When you sigh and say �I�ve missed you dude.� You make me want to drop everything and haul ass to your place.

Then when you say you love me, even in jest; it makes my heart skip a beat. It�s uncontrollable.

Sometimes it�s hard to keep the lines distinct. It�s hard to remember that we�re just friends. It�s hard to forget we�ve kissed�we�ve kissed a lot and then some.

But I don�t want to be thinking and feeling these things. I love you to pieces; but that is one big ugly mess I want to avoid if I can help it.

I refuse to believe we�re one of those stories that you tell the grandkids. We�re not this couple who�ve known each other for a lifetime and never figured out they�re perfect for each other. You�re you and I�m me, and together we�re still us. But we don�t make a �we�. That could be disastrous in epic proportions.

I feel so silly for ranting about it, you'd laugh your frickin' ass off, but some things just need to come off my chest, you know?

*sighs*

I�ve never really understood the phrase �I don�t have any money�. Until recently, that is. And I�m fully aware that this makes me sound�I don�t know, flashy or conceited or something? And life wasn�t like that growing up. Sure we had nice things and we went on nice holidays � but we were just typical lower middle class, you know?

A four bedroom and three bathroom detached house on a corner plot. Double garage with two Mercedes� or Audi�s parked outside (depending on what year you looked). Two all-inclusive holidays a year and lots of beautiful little gifts at birthdays. My Ma�s favourite stores were John Lewis, Debenhams and Laura Ashley and my Dad had every gadget known to man. But it wasn�t always like this.

We weren�t always that pretentious. We used to live in a three bed semi in North Wembley and my Ma worked for Ikea. Before that we lived in a two bed flat and she worked for Littlewoods. Before that we shared with my Grandma and Auntie and my Ma worked in a casino over-night and looked after me during the day. And before that�we lived in a pokey council flat in Swiss Cottage with my crack addict father. They call it moving up in the world I believe.

So despite somewhat humble beginnings, I�ve never really been taught the value of money. I wasn�t taught that it grew on trees per say; but I was never taught to be careful with it. So when I got my first job, and then my second, all I did was spend. I spent like I had a yard full of it. And I�ve continued to do so to this day.

I�ve never known what it feels like to have to be careful, and I can�t bring myself to feel mad at anyone but myself. Sure I�d like to blame my parents for never instilling the values within me, but I�m old enough to work these things out for myself now. And I can�t feel sorry for myself at all. I can feel desperate and angry, but I refuse to take pity on myself for my own failings.

When I look in my cupboard and I see ten �20 scarfs, twenty �15 necklaces and a ton of �10 Yankee candles�it sort of makes me laugh. I�m a far cry from well to do or fashionable, but I�m surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of materialistic nonsense. I don�t have enough money to buy food or pay for the bus; but I�ll always look quirky or have something to occupy my time, huh?

I know plenty of people would probably be panicking right now. I see the faces of friends when they ask me how I�m going to sort this out and I just smile and tell them to relax. Yeah, it�s pretty bad and no, I haven�t the foggiest idea what I�m going to do; but shit always works out in the end.

One thing I have on my side is that I�m a hoarder. I stocked my food cupboard with a ton of odd bits and pieces; it�s kind of been a challenge to figure out how to turn them into meals. But at least I�m using them up now and not pointlessly adding to them. I also have a plastic draw full of toiletries; I won�t run out of anything for months. I have plenty of new books to read thanks to my weakness for purchasing more than I can get through and I can download new music and movies for free.

I�ve discovered the house phone! Imagine that�free landline calls all the time. It�s coming in handy. And I can make my ass walk the 25 minutes to college for the next five weeks.

Things �ent so bad really. I�m making it work, and I�m looking at this as a learning curve. I might have a lot more money as a student, and then afterwards when I get a good job � but I�d like to learn to be sensible and make use of everything I already have. Then take everything I�ve learnt and use it to live a better life. It�s actually kinda fun having to get so inventive and creative.

I don�t think I�ll ever stop loving shopping, but I can learn to love cheaper shops and seek out sales. There�s nothing wrong with that. And I guess the biggest reason I�m okay with all of this, is that it�s temporary. It won�t always be like this. But it doesn�t have to go back to how it was before either.

Bonus points go to me for purchasing batter mix and lemon squeezy stuff a head of time. I had a whole plate full of �em. Sugary and sweet. Mmmmm. I do love Pancake Day.

I�ve been thinking about this summer actually and I�ve decided to take it easy. To have one of those summers I used to have, before everything got complicated and I had to grow up too fast.

I�m going to alternate between Ma�s and Gram�s for sleeping arrangements, and besides spending some quality time with the two of them; I�m going to lay back, relax and have fun. Good old fashioned fun.

I�m going to take cycle rides round the country parks and go swimming in the rivers. I�m going to make Lewis and Howie spend a ton of time with me � whether it�s playing tennis, going for walks, watching movies or going bowling.

I just wanna have a good time before all the hard work begins. I want to enjoy the sunshine, read books in the evenings and write in the mornings. If I somehow come across some money, I�ll visit everyone in London and spend days wandering around the museums and galleries. And if I have even more money, I�ll treat myself to a quick trip to Vienna and wander everywhere there.

But I want a stress free month. A beautiful month. A month filled with freedom and laughter.

I know Tivi�s not going to be especially pleased, but Thailand is too expensive for someone that can barely afford to eat. If she really wants to do something like that then it will have to wait until the summer afterwards. Not that I wouldn�t love to be in Thailand, it�s just not practical. Shit�I can fly to Vienna and back for �80 and spend like �50 on five night�s accommodation. If I eat cheaply and don�t spend too much money getting about, I only need about �250 tops! A return flight to Thailand is at least �500, whether our accommodation is free or not, I�ll already have spent double!

I�m just trying to be sensible, and at the same time, get back to loving life the way I used to. I�m having to find happy compromises everywhere it seems. But I�m okay with that.

I was at the JC this morning, but even that didn�t ruin my good mood. Its right next to a DVLA centre so you can watch the people coming and going from their driving tests. I watched one girl drive back in and I saw him counting her minors and she�d gotten seven and no majors, so I knew she�d passed. Then he confirmed it by asking for her driving license and getting the certificate out. I got all excited for her and I probably looked so stupid grinning like a fool out the window.

Then when I got to the LRC Jamie was tryna get me to check over and modify his work, despite the fact I haven�t done my own. So I told him I would if he bought me two eggs (I needed them for my pancakes)�so I checked his work and he bought me some eggs! Six actually, but they only come in sixes so that was kind of a given. I should do silly stuff like that more often. Tivi can buy my milk and Chris can buy my bread! Only joshing.

Psychology wasn�t too bad. I only have one more mandatory lesson and then I can bunk off if I feel like it, which I most certainly shall. It�s all nearly over. That assignment got set today � but it�s the last one and it doesn�t seem so hard.

I ended up spending two hours talking to Mike after class. He just asked me a simple question, and the next thing you know we�re lounging in reception on the comfy arm chairs and two hours have gone by. Jamie kept coming down and hovering which was making us pee ourselves with laughter. Mike thinks he�s my stalker, sometimes I think he�s right.

The uber nice lady in Admin who always calls out �Hello Rachael!� whenever she sees me, gave me this form to fill out to apply for free printing credit, seen as I have like 16p left. She rocks.

Bath Spa finally updated my UCAS this arvo and they�ve offered me a place too. So I accepted Winchester as my firm choice and Bath Spa as my back up. And I know this probably sounds pretty ludicrous, but I feel bad for Roehampton and Hull �cause I�ve rejected them. Yeah, I�m a little loopy at times, but I feel like they�ve taken a chance on me or something and I�ve let them down.

That�s the bad thing about having choices to make. It�s hard�really hard sometimes. There are four great unis that want me and I have to say yes to only one. It�s scary having to make those sorts of decisions, but it�s got to be done. It is nice to know I have the option to go elsewhere if I want to; in a sense it makes me choosing Winchester even more like them choosing me, than me choosing them. If that makes any sense at all.

Life is full of surprises. It�s nice to know so many people have that faith in my academic abilities, I know I don�t always. But I�m getting better. It�s nice to feel wanted. And who doesn�t like having options open to them?

I feel like reading The Host. Off I go.