I�m so frustrated with myself. These past two weeks have been horrible. And not horrible in the sense that I feel sad; just horrible �cause I hate when I�m like this.

It�s the mornings that do it. I wake up, and no matter what time it is, I just don�t want to get up. Majority of the time I�m not even tired enough to go back to sleep; I just lay there, drifting in and out of my thoughts. Barely aware of anything, except for the fact I�m wallowing. Only I�m not even wallowing properly; it�s crazy.

I hate it when my brain goes there. When it crawls into this little space and says �let�s stay here, it�s nice and warm and safe here, nothing can bother us here. We don�t have to do anything we don�t want to�. I make myself wanna scream.

It�s like procrastination in the extreme and I�m sick of it. Yeah I love my sleep, I don�t know many people that don�t; but this? No. I don�t want to be like this. And yeah, I could hold on for a little while �cause I know it�ll turn around. But it was like this three months ago and it�s back again. If I don�t do something about it now, then I�m looking at another repetition with the potential to damage something important.

I pulled through last time. I still got my A�s and what not. It won�t always work like that.

It�s like I�m numbing myself, only I don�t understand why I�m doing it. And at the same time, I�ll willingly admit that I feel lonely or I feel sad when I speak to people I�m close to. What the fuck am I playing at? Nothing seems to be helping and I�m fed up with it. I just don�t have the energy or the will power to make myself do anything right now.

I should be doing my work and I�m not. I should be attending college and I�m not. I should be reading books and I�m not. It�s so god damn strange.

I�m at a loss to understand how my mind can be okay at certain times of the day, and not at others. How I can be strong enough to do some things, and at others I shy away and pretend they don�t exist. It�s making me feel weak and fallible, and I really hate that. I hate feeling this�human. I really do.

I understand I have a plethora of weaknesses, of problems without solutions and problems of my own making. But I don�t like to feel weak. I�ve always felt strong, determined and independent. I�ve always felt like I could cope on my own; like I don�t need anybody around to be me. Sort of invincible in my own little way.

And now I feel like I need people. I�.Rachael fucking Richardson need people in my life to be happy. I need to know that I�m loved and it�s driving me absolutely shitting crazy to admit it. I don�t want to be rescued; I don�t want to be some fucking damsel in distress. I really don�t.

I�ve always hated it when people around me assume I�m breakable. I put a stop to it as soon as possible. That�s why I rarely cry around people; it�s why I don�t tell them when I�m close to exploding with stress; it�s why I react with harsh words when I�ve been hurt and it�s especially why I avoid answering personal questions, or when I do, I�m so fucking blas� about it you�d think I didn�t know how to feel. I don�t want them to think they can hurt me, and I don�t want their pity when I�ve been hurt. I know I look like an angry fucking kitten at times, but even kittens have claws and mine are as sharp as hell.

*sighs*

I�m so tired of this. Tired of warring with my own fucking mind. It�s just so god damn exhausting. Up and down. Up and down. Round and round. It�s swings and roundabouts inside my frickin� head and it�s making me nauseas.

People are too fucking sweet for their own good too. Grams rang me and I didn�t even have to say how I felt; as soon as I told her I was skipping classes and I didn�t feel like getting up some mornings she told me she was coming to visit me on Saturday. She�s bringing me sugar and teabags �cause I admitted I�d ran out when she inquired and apparently you�ve always got to be able to make a cuppa; and she figures I must be pretty fucking lonely out here on my own so we�re spending the day together.

Then Jayne rang me after I sent her an email that sounded a bit odder than usual, and we stayed on the phone for over two hours; just talking about anything else to distract me from whatever�s on my mind. Then she tells me she�s going to try and get the day off work next week and travel down from Coventry to see me and treat me to lunch. That I can�t argue with this �cause it�s a done deal.

So I feel evil. I feel evil for letting how I feel become so obvious that people feel the need to come and see me. I don�t want people to worry about me and I hate putting people out. This is exactly why I don�t tell people things. I don�t want to be seen as weak, I seriously don�t. It�s agony. I secretly think they revel in it too, knowing for certain that I�m not indestructible and sometimes I need help too.

Jeez. This is just plain horrible. I'm one messed up individual sometimes.

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